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tell matt, someone has been talking shit
likelegends

He shot out the back door like a bullet
 1
Turned the corner, calm and collected
 2
No menacing stance, just a business man
 3
You would have never known if it weren’t for the gun in his hand
 4
He hadn’t even noticed but it’s raining like hell, hence; ever so nonchalant
 5
Opens his umbrella, it’s full of holes; like the bodies he left back at the restaurant
 6
 
 
“Sir; there’s a fine line
 7
Between murder
 8
And bad tempers,
 9
Motives and backwards glances!
 10
You know, under most circumstances
 11
This would be considered insane”
 12
 
 
“Alright I’ll talk, but only if you promise to listen…
 13
Friday night, was jam packed, so I had to wait
 14
She called, sounded out of breath, said she’s running late
 15
So I ordered drinks, then heard shouting from the front
 16
A jealous husband, “I know he’s in here!” with a loaded gun
 17
I hid under the table, heard screaming then bang, bang, bang
 18
More screaming, the police came, he dropped it and ran
 19
I came out from under the table; saw the gun lying on the floor
 20
Picked it up, ignored the bodies, ran right the fuck out the door!”
 21
 
 
Dear audience, I regret to inform you that Miss Fortune never showed up for our date. She was found strangled in her apartment, Her husband is the prime suspect, he is also in custody for an act of man slaughter in a local restaurant on last Friday night. 46 dead, 1 survivor
 22
When they asked him what he thought of the incident
 23
I replied, “What do you say to a bullet?”
 24

2 Oct 05

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Comments:

HMm, very graceful and bold. Though I would seperate the last two lines from line 22. And in line 21 "ran right the fuck out the door!" sounds a bit ackward, its the 'fuck'. Maybe rephrase it?
 — Me_eM

I think the lines in some cases are too long, break them up a little. Just capitalise the start of each sentence maybe, or at least be consistent. Read it to yourself and try to balance it more
 — WilliamGruff

i love this. its a good story. favorite.
 — bear

Excellent with authentic reportage voyage. Well sustained throughout
 — larrylark

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