poetry critical

online poetry workshop

what I meant when I said nothing

he asked what I was thinking.
I couldn't think of anything to say right then,
so I snapped my fingers and nodded my head,
and my response,
brought a sense of distaste to his eyebrows.
so I thought.
I wanted to tell him that I was thinking of making popcorn, that I wanted to go to the park with him, hold hands, and throw popcorn for the birds.
divulge that I wanted to buy him a kite, so he could run on the grass to get it to fly and I'd sit under a tree to smile and watch the muscles in his legs.
I thought of saying that I liked the way he twitched before he fell asleep. I like the way his sideburns feel on my neck when we hug.
but his eyebrows shot me down,
and everything I might have said slid down my throat,
for me to ruminate,
with all of the other true things I could have said.
and I felt childish.

14 Jun 03

Rated 8 (8.1) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (101): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(8 more poems by this author)

(80 users consider this poem a favorite)

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this is amazing.
 — xout

i love this...it makes me want to cry, i know the exact feeling...awesome job.
 — SkyWatcher

ack! i love "everything i might have said slid down my throat!" what wonderful imagry! goodness!

i really like this, and at first i wasn't sure about the end...but after rereading this a few times i've decided it's wonderful.
 — luella

the word "maker" turned me off (i hate modern conveniences in timeless poetry) and i'd just as soon say popcorn alone, or whatever it is that you hold over the stove to pop it.

shouldn't line 11, if you have to deviate from linebreaks in the previous lines, come back to using breaks to show the difference between your thoughts/daydreams and what's really going on? they wouldn't have to be short lines, persay, just something to show the difference that you started?

but other than that, i could kiss the idea of this one.
 — jade

L11 is neon golden.
 — username

revised it up...good call about the breaks jade, I hadn't even noticed. I wasn't particularly attached to, "popcorn maker," so I switched that up to. Thanks for the feedback everyone!
 — restless

Jade's right, the idea is golden, magnifite! *applauds*
 — SeraphSoul

This is really great. Felt uncomfortable reading it. Little too close. And that's a great thing.
 — declan

username said "neon golden," not me. but he was right.
 — jade

Love It!
 — Feagins

i love it all, except for the last line
i always feel the need to tie up my poems with lines like that too, and i read them later and something doesnt ring quite right. you could tie over the sliding down your throat reference rather than throwing in that line.

maybe some reference like a medicine you dont want to taste
or something like that, i dont know.
good job
 — starryme

koooooooooooool poem i love it i jus cant find the words to say but then when i get off the fone i have a whole book 2 tell him

 — unknown

wow this is great. it's sweet and i can really relate.
 — bttrswtd

it's a great piece... like the words and the discriptions... but the WHOLE concept is kinda weird... but it is very discriptive and visual

~nicole (age: 14)
 — Nicole

just what i was feeling today.
all in all, a lovely piece.
 — qui

the WHOLE concept is quite lovely. i can see starryme's point (even though i don't mind it much, it's a little over done on the feeling of the format but the actual words fit well), and my only addendum to that is (and i think she said this but i want to reiterate), don't just drop line 15. it needs to be ended and 14 is not an ending alone.
 — jade

the small little things that make love called what is is are very present here...and the line about "everything i might have said slid down my throat" is very relatable and true to life. this poem was so real that it hurt to read it, even the second time
 — ADub0224

so great.

not sure if I dig the kite among the other great images, but you certainly stole my heart.
 — unknown

Every time I read this, I like it more. You should have kicked him hard and let him have a few things of his own to say!
 — Isabelle5

this is a wonderful poem. really revealing and not even too overdone. nice.
 — lachadli

WAIT, someone copied my poem and put it on another website, changed around some of the words...and what am I supposed to do about it?


Scroll down. the site isn't in english, but my poem is.
 — unknown

Write to the webmaster of that site. This poem is dated so they will know that this one was written first and that the other was stolen. This is one of the many problems about posting online. Happens all too often.
 — unknown

That someone would think so little of his or her own talent to steal from someone else is a concept that is beyond me. It is the creation of something meaningful from nothing that is what writing is all about. Putting something out that someone else wrote and getting accolades for it...sick, sick, sick!! rob
 — unknown

Great,Amazing,Wonderful, What more can i say? This is real talent. Fantastic job
 — unknown

I really like this poem i think you did a really awsome job.
 — unknown

I love lines 8, 9, and 10. I love how it's something that you wanted to say, but left unsaid.

The rest of the poem bothers me. It doesn't flow as well as those three llines. I would cut out line 5. I think we can assume the response was unexpected. I would then take out the comma in line four.

'shot me down' is a cliche, try to aviod it. Instead, say something about how you felt about the eyebrows. I like line 12, but not 13, I don't think it's necessary. I'm not sure about fifteen. I'm thinking I would like it better if it ended with line 14.
 — abby

hmm... a lot going on here. maybe it could be TWO poems, or you could elaborate more on some of this. not a bad stab.
 — aforbing

i love the feeling i get from this. 11-15.
i like the seperation of line 15, too. something there is nice.
 — shakeit

Great title.  What on earth are you doing with this guy? He's obviously out of your tiny league!

I like your easy style and your way with words. Just feel that this poem would have worked better (and rang more bells) if the two of you weren't already lovers.  
 — unknown

i wanted to say that you did an amazing job it tells the truth because thats how it usualy goes when you in love good job....astonishing
 — unknown

Been there...at least themad eyebrows part.
 — unknown

mmmmmmmmmmmmm loved it - dont change a thing
 — unknown

what happens when you think too much. this is wonderful, even more so every time i read it.
 — unknown

Ahhh. You write my mind. Beautiful.
 — Cella

Yes...I definetly know the feeling. I love this! The ending is great. Nice writing.
 — azalea

 — unknown

wow. this reminds me so much of a night i went through. i love how when a poem is written well enough, no matter who you wrote it about, or to, anyone can always put themselves in it as well. this brings back memories and many thoughts. awesome
 — endlessdream

That was great. I also like:
   but his eyebrows shot me down,  
   and everything I might have said slid down my throat
 — Hquartz

I think that this poem explanes what most girls feel like when they break-up with thier boyfriends.
 — unknown

 — whybothre

this is soooo freakin good
 — unknown

i love this, i can just read it over and over.
 — flame

i love it. soo much.
 — stainedsteal

oh my goodness! this is like one of my favorites!
 — ihateyou

no words its great simply great
 — lostkid

It's always nice to know I'm not the only one who has trudged a "childish" path alone.....very relatable and that's what makes poetry good.  If ppl can't relate, it means nothing....form is your second battle to fight and I think you did fairly well in this battle too.  It's not perfect by any means, but it definitely  works for your purpose.  I give it an 8, mainly b/c of wording in lines 11-15...but it's all good =)
 — unknown

This is great. so many people can relate to this excellent
 — deadsoulpoet

and in my favorites
 — noodleman

if i were you i would have slapped him.... ;)
 — SKA

nice work on this poem.  i know the feeling and this poem captured it almost perfectly.  Good work and keep 'em coming.  I kinda wish I got to read this one before the suggested corrections were made.
 — EdwardDurden

This really is good!!!I like "and I felt childish."It shohs so much about your charater.Keep up the good work!!
 — unknown

I ike your poem!  It's very moving
 — unknown

loved it wouldnt change a thing nice title!! :)
 — unknown

 — unfabulous01

not read this before?
 — kaleidazcope

makes a nice mental picture of young love. i like!
 — thirdeyris

This is really amazing, absolutely beautiful.  I know just how you feel.  
 — shiloh

I really appreciate the imagery in this poem, from the brightness and hope of lines 8 and 9, to the dispair displayed in "everything I might have said slid down my throat, for me to ruminate." Dont change a thing.  
 — fredlocks2k

I really like this! I can relate so much! Kepp up the good work!
 — unknown

this is brilliant, regret always comes too late, right? brilliant poem, excellent! a 10
 — Odin

oh I missed this, I'm glad it popped up on my screen because I never had the chance to tell you how much I love it.
 — LauraLea2

Wow, I always asked my ex what she was thinking, then she'd sorta snap back to reality and say with a tinge of embarrasment, "Nothing".

I thought this was really good.
 — unknown

i love it...its really pretty.
 — jabsdeadhobo

wow, i like this poem. it's very intreguing. wonderful job.
 — ChristinaM

oh so amazing, this is brillant

 — tragicbubble

Love the title. Good imagery. This is good for "free-verse" of which I am not a fan.
Expand and write with rhymes if you have not done so already. Experiment.
 — LivingLies

This is sooooo sweet and ahh i really like this wow great job
 — K8Dony

i could read more poems if there were more like this,i dont mean that its the only kind i like to read ,but that id like to read more like it.

        ;        & nbsp;       &nb sp;  candy
 — unknown

childish was perfect word choice. good job, in my favorites.
 — electricity

 — tiedtoes

wow. this is so good. favourites.
 — sabz3003

  Take that, unclosed italics!
 — unknown

Hrm, that didn't work. Maybe this will.></i>[/i] etc.
 — unknown

I LOVE this, i never know what to say when someone asks me what i'm thinking... i never tried  being honest before. going in the favorites.
 — bear

I still love this!
 — Infrangible

aww, this is so sweet :)
 — FrayedSkirt

  i don't like the last line, it is too simple, feels out of place. the poem could end with line 14, and still be brilliant.
 — inutile

  why can't i close the italics? it has worked on other poems when this sort of thing has happened with bold and/or italics. unknown before me couldn't do it, either.  
 — inutile

 — unknown

  fixy fixy
 — youthculture

italics - blah
 — unknown

this is me
 — unknown

I agree with inutile, the last line is..not needed.  It fits just fine, but I think the poem would be more affective without it.  I love this, though.  It scares me how much this reminds of myself and a certain situation I was in.  You make it very real.
 — fallinforyou

Eh, I reread this and I retract my previous statement.   A wonderful poem. (9)
 — fallinforyou

 — unknown

wow... i know exactly how this feels, nice work and I'd keep the last line.
my favorite parts are the descriptions in lines 8-11
nice work!
 — sparrow

I could SO FEEL every single drop of emotion in this poem.  It's sad and it's beautiful all at the same time.  I like especially how you juxtapose what you might have said with what you could have said.  "10."
 — starr

gorgeous.  fabulous writing. and so true.
 — WordsAndMe

i love your poem, i feel it!
 — majan

how true.
good job!
 — dollface

There's way too much bullshit in this poem.

You snapped your fingers and nodded your head?

A sense of distaste to his eyebrows?

Wouldn't be assumed that you made popcorn if you were throwing it at the birds?

His eyebrows shot you down, again with the eyebrows. Maybe you should remove them completely. Do you think 'his eyebrows' add anything?

Also, you could cut "I could have said." after "with all of the other true things." It seems to be a repeat of "...I might have said" and therefore redundant.

Lastly, "True things" doesn't work for me. Things, stuff, etc... are weak words.

But you don't have to take my word for it.

 — unknown

ah-mazing sweetie
 — unknown

Oh wow, this is beautiful. Wonderful!!!
 — livedeeply

I don't think I've related so much to a poem, as this one... in a very long time. I just want to thankyou for saying the things I feel, in a way I'd never be able to.
 — Kellie_Fern

i really like it.
 — lazyduck187

I likie this poem, but I think the last line is unnecessary... we laready know that the speaker feels childish. It is always better to show than to tell.
 — jonasnovella

Yes yes yes
 — unknown

Its amazing how so many people try to make others feel bad.Well put
 — larrylark

I really enjoy this poem - I love the imagery and the description. It sums up how we have all felt sometimes
 — Macbear73

 — unknown

tooooookie tooooooookie!

I am bugged by the slant.
 — unknown

Wow. First of all, what a great title!

As for the rest, I don't even know where to start. I think this poem rocks and I am so glad I read it. I completely relate to this experience. Thank you.
 — Maela

i love the title! (and the poem of course) but the title fits it perfectly!!! great job!
 — TheRose

This is a great poem... because it says so much about 'self'... of wanting to express emotion and your feelings by sharing all your longings that you know will expose your affections toward that person... but being so unable to endure the eyebrows that could come after... like the ones that shone before.
It's not about the pretty images but the person's dillema... and rarely you hear it from the female perspective. I've felt this currently... even if you realize he would've loved to hear it, but you just disappoint yourself, mock yourself... feel foolish, childish... ... it's very sombering in that way.
 — unknown

oh i love this poem. i'm so tired though, and sleepy, so i've no words to cleverly utilize for making a lovely, unparalelled comment on this lovely piece. so i'll post this and say "beautiful!"

will hopefully read more of your work, that is, if you have any more posted :)

 — Gestaltist

rated. 10/10
 — unknown

interesting and nice
 — katt

I don't like this poem at all. The content is good, but I couldn't get into the flow. I kept re-reading in hopes of liking it more the following time, but it didn't seem to work. Sorry. But at least 58 other people consider it a favorite. Good work :-)
 — iamswanson

This poem has actually affected me. I'll watch my eyebrow movements more carefully from now on. Really. Amazing work. (10)

 — teo_omega11

You have a way with words.
 — meghanmidget

 — unknown

This is wonderful, I really, really like this one a lot.
I think it's something everyone can relate to but, it's still
got it's on personal memories along with it.  hello ten.
 — LoserXcore

love it, love it! I have been there more times than I can count...
 — dayyytripper

beautiful observation - it rings so true. the structure is tremendously effective, too, collapsing into the final, short line, from thinking to feeling.
 — haykulu

this is anti unibrow.
 — unknown

I've read this through so many times and I don't think it'll ever get boring.
 — marmite

I just love this poem! I have read it countless times, and every time it is just as satisfying. Great poem. L 11-14 are so perfect.
 — Maela

l10 and l15 i absolutely love. <3

this is really awesome.
 — missmurder

Line 6 is my personal fav. Great work
 — Valerie88

First of all, great title. Second of all, the poem could have been better, but great ideas and "warm and fuzzy" feeling.
 — unknown

I can relate. Once I said "the little mermaid" because it was true. (Bad idea, I should have lied) Nice, I really like it.
 — unknown

 — unknown

this is truly one of the best poems ive read in my life
 — lostkid

 — photobooth

oh my god.....thank you for giving voice to something that is so simple that it almost escapes notice !!
 — unknown

wonderful. thank you.
 — wemsntdspair

Nice. I really enjoyed readin this.
 — Inspire

i really love this.
 — silentspring

I have almost written this exact piece dozens of times....how did you get into my head restless?
 — unknown

Dear God! What a beautiful poem!
 — PatriciaSan