poetry critical

online poetry workshop


One day
the World
will ask you
to turn on your heels
and find
the path
which mysteriously led you
to the place
where your heels
now rut in the ground.
And you know
that the thing,
the only thing
you Desire
is to go back on the path
and relive
and remake
all the things
you have passed.
But you turn,
ignoring the friction
from turning your heels
and with aching legs
until you are Strong
and know the road behind you
is behind you,
and that Tomorrow
is yet to come.

12 Oct 05

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 8

(define the words in this poem)
(46 more poems by this author)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


insightful, with a calm mature strength. i like. maybe play with which lines to cap or not, for emphasis. good work.
 — SteelAngel

agree with SA ... caps distracts from the strengths of the poem
 — asklepios

thanks guys, there was something missing from the poem... and now I see it was the caps. Thanks! Look better?
 — topop

yep, looks better ... i think it could still use some tightening - personally i don't like the repetition as i don't think it is necessary here.  eg "heels" used x3

so L21-2 could read something like: ignoring the burning at your feet/ignoring the friction of the ground?
 — asklepios

asklep, i want to keep the heel thing in there because though not originally intended, it is kind of a symbol for this 'turntable in your life'... i dn, it is the focus point, it is not your whole body turning, youre just rotating on your heels.

should i change the line 15 wording? line 13 w/ comma? line 25 'strong' in caps???

 — topop

hmm, a lot of these things come down to preferences!  i prefer more punctuation over less ... strong could take a caps, but lose the caps A in L28?  still, i enjoy your poem ...
 — asklepios

sweet I like it, i think the only thing I can critizice is the last line...
 — unknown