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Hindsight
topop

One day
 1
the World
 2
will ask you
 3
to turn on your heels
 4
and find
 5
the path
 6
which mysteriously led you
 7
to the place
 8
where your heels
 9
now rut in the ground.
 10
And you know
 11
that the thing,
 12
the only thing
 13
you Desire
 14
is to go back on the path
 15
and relive
 16
and remake
 17
all the things
 18
you have passed.
 19
But you turn,
 20
ignoring the friction
 21
from turning your heels
 22
and with aching legs
 23
Walk
 24
until you are Strong
 25
and know the road behind you
 26
is behind you,
 27
and that Tomorrow
 28
is yet to come.
 29

12 Oct 05

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Comments:

insightful, with a calm mature strength. i like. maybe play with which lines to cap or not, for emphasis. good work.
 — SteelAngel

agree with SA ... caps distracts from the strengths of the poem
 — asklepios

thanks guys, there was something missing from the poem... and now I see it was the caps. Thanks! Look better?
 — topop

yep, looks better ... i think it could still use some tightening - personally i don't like the repetition as i don't think it is necessary here.  eg "heels" used x3

so L21-2 could read something like: ignoring the burning at your feet/ignoring the friction of the ground?
 — asklepios

asklep, i want to keep the heel thing in there because though not originally intended, it is kind of a symbol for this 'turntable in your life'... i dn, it is the focus point, it is not your whole body turning, youre just rotating on your heels.

should i change the line 15 wording? line 13 w/ comma? line 25 'strong' in caps???

thx
 — topop

hmm, a lot of these things come down to preferences!  i prefer more punctuation over less ... strong could take a caps, but lose the caps A in L28?  still, i enjoy your poem ...
 — asklepios

sweet I like it, i think the only thing I can critizice is the last line...
 — unknown

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