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November Day (working title)

A cluttered cheer
A lazy ear
A circle of texture
Seeing Old
Being Bold
An essence of spice
Everything Nice
Turkey: hot, roasty
lathers the plate
...you know the date.

14 Oct 05

Rated 5 (5) by 1 users.
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Love the stripped-down approach but lose the rhyme.  It's too sing-songy.  Combine L13 & 14.  Maybe give it a very long descriptive title like one of the ancient Chinese hermit poets!
 — corvus

corvus, interesting comment. i dn. the songy part of it is part of it reminds me of thanksgiving, however i agree that it is a little TOO sing-songy. what should i do? i dont really know what to change.... huh.
 — topop

there is very few good minimalist poems nowadays, i find that with writing barely anything you have to have AMAZING words and imagery to convey your point, but with stand alone one word lines like "thursday" and "November", im just not feeling it
 — activism87

This is rather too sparse for Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving is about opulence, bowls of nuts, creme, the crispy turkey and it's stuffing, tablecloths shot with gold thread, gourd and apple centerpieces, the scent of mincemeat and pumpkin pies.

Where is all that?  Some things should not be stripped down!
 — Isabelle5

activism87, i like your point, i agree the last stanza is a let down to the poem, doest work for it. suggestions??? (just take out the last stanza, replace??)
 — topop

try getting rid of words like seeing and being... they are doing too much work and dont say anything.  How bout..  friends, young and old, fodd, spicy bold.  Thats an image and a description.  I mean, dont use my words, per se, but you get the idea.    
 — unknown

A cluttered cheer
to an apathetic ear

circles of autumn texture
sooth and warm

essence of spice
being bold
as the cutlery slice

Its all cohesive
remember thursday
a cold november

*ok so its not as simplisitic as before but you get where i was going.....see the diference in imagery and tone
 — activism87

oh and i to would appreciate some comments on my works
 — activism87

activisim, like the suggestion, however right now im really happy with all but the last stanza... i like the last stanza you created, i may work off that, however for me the flow on how if have the first stanzas works really well, so... i'll have to think on that last stanza
 — topop

hey, i thought of something i think i like to completely replace the last stanza, what do you think? (read it in context with the rest of the poem), (im not sure if just turkey or if more of those rich wholesome foods should be included where it says turkey)(also does word 'roasty' work after word 'toasty' b4 it)?:

Turkey: hot, roasty
lathers the plate
...you know the date.
 — topop

damn topop nice one, you really made the flow so much better
 — activism87

This is pretty.
 — Hear