poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Thunderhead
madderhatter

The driveway is clear,
 1
abandoned rusty wagon corroding
 2
behind the garage,
 3
open windows
 4
and curtains soaked with rain.
 5
My nipples goosebump through the tears
 6
in the bed sheets as
 7
the wind traces your name
 8
across my ankle
 9
while I doze, digesting.
 10
 
 
I rolled my head this morning
 11
to the rattled thunder windows.
 12
Lightning at six a.m.
 13
and she spilled apple cider on my poetry book, again.
 14
I called to tell you to unplug your TV from the wall;
 15
You said I was crazy.
 16
 
 
Three days ago you told me
 17
that sometimes
 18
I gaze
 19
out past the airfield
 20
listening distantly,
 21
tracing the rain across the window;
 22
mouthing the words
 23
 
 
And that I redundantly dawdled
 24
like a worn out photograph
 25
waiting on the sun
 26
to untangle the pinky swearing secrets
 27
we tied in the sky
 28
 
 
I said you smelled like fig juice.
 29
You looked up
 30
to tell me I feel like
 31
food coloring and corn starch
 32
and that I haven’t washed my hair since Thursday.
 33

16 Oct 05

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 9

(define the words in this poem)
(105 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Before I say another word, let me tell you that you are my favourite poet on PC.

L6: 'goosebump'. It's one word.
L10: I would put in a comma after 'doze', just because a comma would direct the flow of reading so much better.
L13: 'a.m.'
L33: Another unbelieveably good ending from madderhatter. Gorgeous.

(9) and favourite.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

thanks so much teo, im flattered.
 — madderhatter

reinstate the draft!
 — unknown

oh sorry

i cross posted that crit

it was to go under funes
 — unknown

funes?
 — madderhatter

I like the loose lyrical feel of this and the imagery is effective,particularly in the last two stanza's

Larry
 — unknown

0.39s