poetry critical

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The driveway is clear,
abandoned rusty wagon corroding
behind the garage,
open windows
and curtains soaked with rain.
My nipples goosebump through the tears
in the bed sheets as
the wind traces your name
across my ankle
while I doze, digesting.
I rolled my head this morning
to the rattled thunder windows.
Lightning at six a.m.
and she spilled apple cider on my poetry book, again.
I called to tell you to unplug your TV from the wall;
You said I was crazy.
Three days ago you told me
that sometimes
I gaze
out past the airfield
listening distantly,
tracing the rain across the window;
mouthing the words
And that I redundantly dawdled
like a worn out photograph
waiting on the sun
to untangle the pinky swearing secrets
we tied in the sky
I said you smelled like fig juice.
You looked up
to tell me I feel like
food coloring and corn starch
and that I haven’t washed my hair since Thursday.

16 Oct 05

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
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Before I say another word, let me tell you that you are my favourite poet on PC.

L6: 'goosebump'. It's one word.
L10: I would put in a comma after 'doze', just because a comma would direct the flow of reading so much better.
L13: 'a.m.'
L33: Another unbelieveably good ending from madderhatter. Gorgeous.

(9) and favourite.

 — teo_omega11

thanks so much teo, im flattered.
 — madderhatter

reinstate the draft!
 — unknown

oh sorry

i cross posted that crit

it was to go under funes
 — unknown

 — madderhatter

I like the loose lyrical feel of this and the imagery is effective,particularly in the last two stanza's

 — unknown