poetry critical

online poetry workshop



sugarmine
gnormal

new poem. new name.

the goldminer crackwrung his raw panhand
 1
the coalminer bellowed his blacklung
 2
the saltminer tonguelicked his chaplip flap
 3
my sugarminer's crydrops just stung
 4
 
 
scratching my redrasp and dry straw
 5
my berries
 6
chewing my sugarscabs nervously
 7
biting the fruitflesh stuck under my nail
 8
where is my gingerbread?  
 9
where is my trail?
 10
 
 
cause im glassrashed and cavitied
 11
a sweeteetherslathering
 12
im sure sweating honey
 13
but who's counting
 14
money
 15
 
 
who am i now, miss, and why am i here
 16
"Your talents are your job, my dear!"
 17
 
 
inherited tools,
 18
the rule is no rules?
 19
with my thick opposing thumb
 20
God, did i ever get anything-
 21
"Done."
 22
 
 
consider the crystals melting clear
 23
the eyelashes on this snowmonkey here
 24
quiet snowballs in a pile
 25
just digging
 26
for snowcrab
 27
butt-mittenless
 28
the while
 29

25 Jun 03

Rated 10 (7.4) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (11): 2, 2, 4, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(181 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

why the title?
 — Ananke

ooh. wow. i get this. it would be incredibly painful to explain how i get it (for me and for you...my vocabulary is kinda big, but it's not big enough, lol) ... but i do. and it's good.

the title...er. yeah. wha? lmao. well, from my dictionary (who's powers are useless on this website) i looked up jabber and talkie. i got...a movie with a [gibberish] soundtrack. the movie with a soundtrack being a talkie and gibberish being jabber.

i take things way too literal sometimes. only when they make no sense to me when i'm thinking unliterally.
 — classy_ha

love. last five lines make floating candy goodness inside my bellers.
 — onklcrispy

I understand your point, but I don't know how effective your execution is. There are so many useless, filler words in this poem, and they make it sound pretentious. I don't know why I should care, and seeing as though it is your job to make the reader care, then I'm going to have to assert that this poem falls short of its intentions. Sorry to be so blunt. Also, the third stanza is incredibly weak in both verbs and nouns.
 — collyrium

read "jabberwocky" and then come back to this poem's title with some newfound sense. " 'twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe..." i adore lewis carrol.
 — unknown

This is great. jabberwocky was brilliant because the story was told despite the words. This is rather more of Tolkein's "gollum" with inhertings and wailments - but the story is told. I've given it an 8!
 — ka

there is something about this that I completely and utterly understand, and there is something about this that I will never fully comprehend. And I think I'm ok with that. An excellent job.
 — Charlie

Ffenomennenal! It's not deep to me, but it's well-written. The cunning linguistics are appreciated on this side the computer screen.
-zepp
 — zepplin42

------------ recreated here -------------
 — gnormal

a fun poem with words that dance almost off the page (or screen for that matter)
two thumbs waay up!
 — Underground

I love it! Especially lines 1-4. I really got something out of this.
 — AtomBombJohn

this is pretty good. i even forgive the made up words, as they are all composite words.
the only things i'd do to it would be: adding an apostrophe in line 9 (wheeze-diggin') and using a comma instead of a colon in line 10.
 — aerol

nervous when i saw this in the top 10.  i renamed it and changed a lot.  all for the better.
 — gnormal

lovely. nuttin else. never can make your stuff any betterful with my comments. i just enjoy em.
 — unknown

nice poem. love to hear this one read out loud. or hear olly sing it. - me
 — unknown

Wow this is good
 — unknown

omg
 — unknown

GANGX
 — unknown

"your talents are your job, my dear."
: )
 — fractalcore

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