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насилие; to force, by force
madderhatter

Beneath candlelight
 1
a bead of moisture (coiled)
 2
unabsorbed
 3
waits on the corner of your mouth.
 4
The edge of your knuckle to your chin,
 5
the years worn on you.
 6
 
 
She squats there;
 7
Wrenched (spine-popping)
 8
into place,
 9
belt buckle-branded,
 10
blue toed,
 11
bound.
 12
 
 
The dark rusting shines
 13
under his knives.
 14
He shreds her
 15
apart (ruthless)
 16
every orifice
 17
she owns.
 18
Corrosion
 19
coating his mouth.
 20
 
 
Tight(wrinkling)
 21
panic-marked smear sheets,
 22
tear-crusted cracked mascara
 23
and yanked out hair
 24
lie among the soundless
 25
bundle of her blood stained
 26
thigh meat.
 27
She is left to incubate in wonder,
 28
quarantined
 29
in a black-tiled washroom
 30
(left for dead)
 31
destined never
 32
to be intact,
 33
again.
 34
 
 
The moonlight (numbly)echoes across
 35
the smoothness of your cheekbones.
 36
The years torn on you,
 37
the bright-eyed girl I make cuddle-love to
 38
who curls up and sobs under the covers.
 39
She thinks I can't see.
 40

насилие(Russian)
Vergewaltigung(German)
Viol (French)
Roubo (Portuguesse)

8 Nov 05

Rated 4.5 (7.6) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (18): 1, 1, 1, 1, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

obviously it doesn't. That's why it needs to be TRANSLATED. doh!
 — unknown

I can't even read the title.  
 — Isabelle5

....What unknown 1 meant to say was that the act of rape crosses cultures. The word "rape" does not. The word "robot" does. But anyway. you sure are pretty! THat crosses cultures
unknown to you 2
 — unknown

Lady Isabelle 1x5
You can't read the title because it's in CYRLLIC! Sheesh!
 — unknown

what's the other language....?
 — unknown

насилие-rape (russian)
Vergewaltigung-rape (german)
Viol-rape (french)
Rooubo-rape (portuguesse)

This is not crap. So don't be so harsh, if you're going to be, leave your name, chicken.
Be a little open minded, the title got you here, didnt it now
 — madderhatter

The last stanza is entirely extraneous.  Author's choice I suppose.

This is quite resounding.  Nice.
 — themolly

madderhatter, I like your poem a lot, so what if people cannot read the title?  Don't worry about them at all.  (by chance I happen to understand Russian but even if I did not, stick with your choice in original).  The root of the work means "force" and so, the whole: "by force" which is an excellent title for a poem about ... rape.  Strong voice throughout, the firsta stanza is very good, how you manage to "coil" what may seem as diverging images together into one ... admirable.   The choice of words in the first stanza reads almost melancholy, then you bring a short, choppy lines 11-13 which changes the mood totally.  What follows makes me silent.  The image of the "crusted mascara" brings to me a popping sound, I can almost hear it break anc crackle.  I like the fact that you change from third person to second person in the next to last stanza, which somehow brings me in as the reader without violating me.  You change the tone of the poem, turning your viewfinder in a totally different direction in the last stanza, what a clever way to end and a very effective one as well.  Well-done, very well-done.  Leave the footnote as well, people need to learn to speak more languages anyway.
Again, I commend you for this poem, finally something worth reading around here.
Keep on writing, I am always looking forward to your newest work.
Maria
 — slancho

Thank you so much for your comment Maria. That was so encouraging. :)
Jess
-madderhatter
 — unknown

Excellent + powerful A few suggestions: Line 14 "staining" ( see below to line 21). I would change staining ( rust/rusting/ Also, line 24 "torn out hair" would prefer to see something more in keeping with the tone of this poem ( hank of hair). Minor stuff really because this poem works. Disturbing/ fascinating blends of images.
 — graceinmtl

PS: I agree with Maria. The "polyglot" footer has its place here. It fits the vaguely European setting and choice of images.
 — graceinmtl

It's personally not my cup of tea, but I can't say anything negative about the execution of the poem/theme/etc. except, maybe, that the last two lines were treading into Wangsterism a little bit.

вы знаете русский язык?
 — Bombazine

I LOVE THIS. Its so bad though, (the content).
 — winter

Yes, its even worse when its real
 — unknown

I was moved by stanza 4.
The whole piece is striking imagery.
Well done.
 — Krttika

....disturbing......
 — misspanda

...but then reality often is



nice work
 — misspanda

thanks for all your great comments guys.

-madderhatter
 — unknown

beautiful imagry. The descriptions are all in wonderful places and so alluring.
 — Gabriella

excellent.... ~q~
 — Quichemarie

huhh?
 — unknown

OK U SUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC!!
 — BADBOI

...Hmm. Why don't you post BADBOI? I'd love to read some of your work.
 — madderhatter

Thanks for the nice crits guys.
 — madderhatter

i wonder what's this poem doing at top rated list..is it because too many people rated it or rather critique it? or because this is good enough to at top rated list?!! hmm.... >
 — inc_reign

that's what I was wondering
 — unknown

It is on the top-rated because a lot of people liked it and scored it well. Don't complain about it, critique and score it yourself.
 — unknown

You're (blush) just so beautiful Sigh
 — unknown

Good. But just a small point: first word of line 35 should be spelled as "echoes."
 — joe9068

I hate poems about rape. No matter how uncliche, they are always still somehow dull.
 — unknown

hey unknown. FUCK YOU.
 — unknown

ya this is really good i hope some day you get justice on the persone that did that to you
 — playwithball

hey unknown who said "FUCK YOU":
I'd make a comment about fucking but it would be "inappropriate" to this poem.
 — unknown

I'm the unknown. care to repeat that?
-madderhatter
 — unknown

wow. im shockede
 — unknown

rape and retardation cross cultures.
 — unknown

rape only became a problem once we gave value to individuals. democracy violates nature.
 — unknown

This poem is intense but I always wonder when I read such stuff. Don't
they say write what you know? I hope you know... Because if not, this could be really insulting to someone who does. Thanks for sharing=a powerful piece...
 — Trish77

i dunno. catchy title intense topic the writing is good not amazing. i think "entering puberty" appeared less forced than this and had a more powerful way of expressing things.

good job nonetheless
 — unknown

very nice!!
 — unknown

I don't know what Cyrillic is, sorry.  My ignorance showing and perhaps a bit of your arrogance.
 — Isabelle5

Including other cultures is arrogant? Not respecting or attempting to understand defines arrogance.
 — unknown

Eck... I hate the topic but I must say, the imagery you project is pretty good.

Line 21: 'metallic'
Line 23: 'marked'
Line 24: hyphen needed here.

Powerful, nicely written poem.
 — lonelygirl

I think in a mostly English speaking place, submitting a poem with a title that is in a language most will not know, without a definition someplace, is slightly naughy and a little prideful.  I've never even heard of the culture or language you said the title is in.  It would have been most helpful if you gave us a translation before we had to ask for one, perhaps.
 — Isabelle5

You've never heard of Russia then, or german, french or portuguesse?

My title did it's job, it got you interested enough to read. What is there to think about when it is all layed out right there. The purpose of poetry is to think.
-madderhatter
 — unknown

of course rape crosses cultures? how dumb is that? like human nature restricts itself depending on the culture?


the significance of that statement is begging.  perhaps you will agree.
 — unknown

  Your work is awesome, Keep it up
Oh and I completely agree with maria (slancho)  
-"I like the fact that you change from third person to second person in the next to last stanza, which somehow brings me in as the reader without violating me. "
-"people need to learn to speak more languages anyway. "

Over all I thought it was very good. and I love how you put the foot note of the different languages, same word. it really helps.
 — Eisleystime

Yes, I see your point.  I am chagrined at my deep well of ignorance of the world outside my nice, cozy, safe bubble.

I gave you an 8, though, all this time, since it's a good poem.  
 — Isabelle5

ah, this is great writing - well done!
 — Meep

I like this. The title did it's purpose: it got me here, and I wasn't upset I didn't understand it. It only made me want to read the poem more (or the comments), so that I will understand.

Um, there was only one word that seem a bit unoriginal and trite when used in this work. @ Line 17 I think it is "He shreds her," I think "shred" is a predictable verb to use there, espeically after the noune "knives." Now, if this is exactly the image you wanted it, leave it. But perhaps there's another word out there with more weight, so to speak, which will reflevt the gravity of the issue.

Good poem,


rxs
 — unknown

man, this doesn't require a comment, but a discussion.
email me sometime, good job.
 — onklcrispy

I added this to my favourites a while ago, but never commented on it.  So here goes.

Perfect imagery.  Your word choices are excellent and highly appropriate to the subject matter.  Brilliantly done.  

You've impressed me.
 — Dheroan

heartbreaking. striking. well executed.
 — SteelAngel

cold dark landscapes made from metal made vibrant and eclectic.
 — unknown

  i think the intent is really good.

i had a problem with the poetry and guess i'm the really odd one out -- the images and the particular choice of, for example, verbs in this (for me, obviously) are cliched, stilted. The shock factor is overcome by a sort of narrative that turns in on itself -- as a caricature

now that is a scary thing given the subject matter (imvho).

examples:

Wrenched (spine-popping) ( i see monkeys . . . )
blue toed (har har)

He shreds her  17 **** (har har harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)
apart (ruthless)  18
every orifice  19
she owns. *** and here -- you use shift in sound to background a ridiculous image (for we are talking hollywood eh?) --

ie:  office (orifice) and the paper shredder (oh now this is getting perty kinky -- i take back what i said on cliche -- and i raise the comment about  caricature up a notch)

orifice she owns ***** i'll let the feminists debate that one

incubate ******** ah. we've moved on to chickens then have we?


can i ask why you chose the modifier "intact'

destined never to be intact again?



and we are saved by the bell of the final . . . um . .. harlequin?

oh and the stage directions: my favorite being: vanfan culo ben zona mefager maniac


yews well. one must always differentiate narrator/pov whatever from poet or hack whichever the case may be (of course it may be both). so in that vein, then, i say: drop the bullshit and get seriously sinister with your subject matter

and then translate it into english


thank you for allowing me comment

i can't post my name since i can't acces my mailbox to get my 'ok' --

sorry for the 'unknown'-- Julio K. Updike (of course i just might be completely off on this since judging from all your other good comments)
 — unknown

I appreciate your honest critique.


I actually didn't just try to make this sound clichéd.
This was a personal thing for me to write and I chose the words that I felt expressed the feeling the way I saw fit.

This has a serious tone to it, and I don't really understand how this isn't serious enough for my subject matter. Its pretty glaring you in the face un-sugarcoated.

I write in pictures. The noises/ feelings/ verbs I chose were used specifically to build on the mental picture this paints. Everyone can interpret the image for themselves, I merely set the outlines.

'he shreds her
apart (ruthless)
every orifice
she owns'-   I want the rough visual of knives, like a box grater on flesh. Seems like it matches fairly well. There are multiple meanings here. Shredded apart could be taken literally or emotionally, and for the 'every orifice she owns'- rape is about control, not sex. You own yourself, and when someone steals that, well, do I really have to explain that?

'incubate'- my intention was it to be taken as sitting to stew, wait agonizingly. Incubate also could be taken as a quarantine, waiting for the issue to stew, or perhaps the possibility of carrying a baby, although humans don't lay eggs that need to be incubated under warm lights, the same is true of the development. Ultimately my goal here was the development of several possibilities that the reader can choose.

'intact'- as for this, you can take it as literally, being intact, i.e. :un-deflowered(never unblemished again), you can take it emotionally hurting, however. This is up to the reader.

Paint your own pictures, like I said, these are only outlines for your interpretations. I think personally its more memorable when you create your own ideas of someone’s work. It’s more rewarding.

Thank you.
 — madderhatter

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