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Sunflower Rhaspody
Aziel

I saw you in the
 1
gas station parking lot.
 2
Your hair gleamed orange,
 3
and it was as if I could
 4
hear your thoughts.
 5
Your face portrayed traces
 6
of annoyance and despair,
 7
and you seemed determined
 8
to your destination.
 9
Though you were a ten,
 10
you were gorgeous.
 11
You walked with the grace
 12
of an angel in heat,
 13
so it wasn't hard
 14
to recognize you.
 15
I smiled as you
 16
popped sunflower seeds
 17
between your cheribum lips;
 18
the fumes seemed to irritate you
 19
(You always hated cars and
 20
the noise of sterios set too high).
 21
The expression of your body
 22
provoked a Kodak moment.
 23
 
 
You were always a beautiful child.
 24

10 Nov 05

Rated 8 (7.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 6, 7, 8, 9

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Comments:

Line 21 - stereos
I like this but I'm interested in line 10 - do you mean this or did you mean to say Not a 10?  
 — Isabelle5

This sounds like my poetry except paraphrased.
 — unknown

I meant it as 'size 10'.
 — Aziel

Oh!  Not what I thought!  (and a 10 is slender, so what's with the "though you were a 10, you were gorgeous?)

Still like it.
 — Isabelle5

I really like the sentiment of this poem but it reads a little choppy like a list of things remembered because all your sentences are declarative and all but the sentence of L10/11 are in their simplest order, ie. "I saw" "Your hair gleamed" "Your face portrayed" "You walked" "I smiled" "You always hated."

All in all I still like it, but I don't think it would take much tweaking to make it great.
 — nakedowl

You might also want to reread L4. Am I misunderstanding something or did you mean to say "and it was AS if I could" ??
 — nakedowl

The ending was the only thing i didnt like about this, the rest, i loved.
 — chelseyjo

actually reading it over today, i do like the ending. hmmm.
 — chelseyjo

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