poetry critical

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sleepwalking
jade

I dreamt I was Ishmael,
 1
dove under whitecaps and somersaulted on waves
 2
in my nightclothes,
 3
leapt off a dorsal fin and my splash was envied
 4
repaid hello to a passing urchin;
 5
i wrote a poem in water.
 6
had these fuzzily confused adventures while dozing like Rip:
 7
slightly asleep for most of a life,
 8
eyes half closed like royalty
 9
sated on wine and cheese
 10
and content with cake and circuses,
 11
I dreamt.
 12
Yes, as the seraphim danced and
 13
cherubim kept the night vigil, I slept
 14
and dreamt, of the monumental unknown,
 15
and the confessional blue that broke in each wave.
 16

1 Apr 02

Rated 7.5 (7.4) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (41): 1, 1, 2, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(9 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

That's better, Jade. Sings all the way through now. A very strong 8.
 — unknown

Nice imagery, I like the new additions.
 — Hawksfire

if you hate a poem enough to give it a 2 where everyone else didn't, you should at least share why, or none of us are ever getting better.
 — jade

brilliant improvements. I have no idea how anyone could possibly give this poem a 2. perhaps they thought that 1 was the highest? a good friend of mine who recently saw the site told me (to my dismay) that she had given two of my poems 2s -- thank god for being able to change your rating!
 — unknown

I never realized how much one deviant rater could really devastate your average -- maybe I should drop the high and low like in figure skating? Definitely well improved closing to the poem. I love the literary allusions here.
 — rafter

:D i'm glad you caught them rafter. thanks you both.
i don't know about dropping them completely, that doesn't seem right. is there a way that they could count for less in the equasion, perhaps? and if this continues, maybe it should be moved to the forum?
 — jade

why isn't this in the top 10?
 — unknown

the two. :/
 — unknown

Yep, this is really good. Nice imagery.
 — Moose

line 7 is magnif!

the whole poem has a dreamy feel to it...one that can't be shaken...that *has* to be re-read...

loverly.
 — tinkerbell

Well I'm not letting the fact that you're a good friend influence my decision at all. I really liked this poem's imagery especially lines 11-14. Great job, Eryn! Here's a 9.
 — Beatrice

I do hope that you will judge my stuff sometime.
 — Beatrice

Excellient job!
 — unknown

This is great, jade
 — abby

A Brief Commentary:

Hm, so I was just strolling along, minding my own business when I saw this poem and I said "hey that's a good poem" and I gave it a .... *drumroll* 9. Good job, Lady Jade.

The End
 — SeraphSoul

When did this get up here? I've been waiting forever for this to be in the top ten. Finally gets the spot it deserves.
 — unknown

im going to give this a 9, not only to nutralize the 2, not only because youre probably the most gifted writer on here (or because this is probably your best example of that.), and not only because its just a great poem all the way around, but because...

you improved it. you took something you loved, took it for a walk, and proved it.
 — unknown

your name is eryn? mine is erin. and i love this.
 — done

I wish I could write like this. I wish.
 — rafter

Wow, Eryn, you are # 1!!!!! Hooray!!!!!!! *dances*
 — SeraphSoul

I really could admire this for what it was. This is vibrant, creative and flowing. Although it seems you didn't completely punctuate your piece. The first few lines give the impression of being a passive statement with the commas but then you decline to continue so until the seventh(?) line where you punctuate again. The lines previously could have easily been made two statements. I believe that the lack of punctuation is not offering the poem with the impact and emphasis it could have if continued on throughout with the use of periods or semi-colons.
 — Arashi

i will look at that. thank you for a real comment. have you poems?
 — unknown

"and content with cake and circuses"- wow.
 — allie

The cool thing about that last comment is that I know I'm not biased because I didn't even know this was you. Even better, huh? The opening is brilliant, by the way.
 — allie

:D tru dat. thank you. the opening line is actually something i heard someone else say, and decided i HAD to build a poem around it.
 — unknown

'monumental unknown'- what a phrase. swing away.
 — boomcrunch

i wrote a poem in water- gret stuff.
 — she

The whole poem is amazing beautiful, and then that ending is so, so strong.
 — unknown

Why is it that only some of the singular 'i's are capitalized? Is that a typo? I wrote a poem in water is a great line.
 — quinn

not a typo, no.
 — jade

Wow, it's beautiful! As if you didn't already have enough comments... it's worthy though. Lines 9-12 are my favourites, it's just the way a poem ought to be.
 — Paprika

You had a good idea but beat it to death in the first half of the poem. It is still pretty good, but the end was so similar to the beginning I was bored.
 — unknown

cutting straight to the chase, I wonder about the comma on the end of both lines 2 and 3. my thought is to either have only line 3's comma, or if 2 and 3 are separate, a semi-colon on line 2. just the two commas in such short sequence bites those lines weird.

that's pretty much my only criticism.
 — semaj

i think you're right. well, we'll test if we're right.
 — unknown

i swear, i'd like this better if i knew what the hell it was about.
 — jade

that crazy author, what was she thinking?
maybe she poked out words in the dictionary and thought they sounded pretty.
"hm... grey: variant of 'gray'..."
hee.

stealing from knowledge of the way you write, only the one 'i' is you? who are all the other 'I's? hm? tsk, what was the author thinking...

now you've gone and done it; you went and gave me something to play with...
 — semaj

lines 6 and 16 are great.
 — unknown

i want to take this to a poetry reading so, so much. i want to read this aloud. it reads itself aloud so much in my head that i can't tell anymore if my line breaks or punctuation are doing their job.

as for the i's, astute observation. half conscious and half not, to be honest. the first line, as i may have said, was a quote from someone else. thence, I is not me. the rest are not so much not me, as "i wrote a poem in water" *is* me. i love that line, and it's almost like breaking the fourth wall or whatever that phrase is. as in see this poem you're reading? yeah. i wrote it in water. it's almost a little aesthetic: i just like how i looks there better. but this poem is not about me. that line is.

semaj, you're good ;)
 — jade

Wow.

I'm ignorant I guess, but who's Rip?

My favorite parts:

"I dreamt I was Ishmael, 1
dove under whitecaps and somersaulted on waves 2
in my nightclothes, 3
lept off a dorsal fin and my splash was envied 4
repayed hello to a passing urchin; 5
i wrote a poem in water. "

"Yes, as the seraphim danced and 13
cherubim kept the night vigil, I slept 14
and dreamt, of the monumental unknown, 15
and the confessional blue that broke in each wave. "

The last 4 lines are sooo good. Ohmigod! I'm jealous. I wish I'd thought of that. ;)

"monumental unknown" I just love that.


 — elysium

Rip Van Winkle.
 — unknown

This is very descriptive and rich in imagery. I really enjoyed
the read. Also, Moby Dick is one of my favorite books and I
was surprised you made no mention of the great white whale.
This deserves a high rating and well done.


 — Hadron

it seemed like it was sucking and then it gave infinitely. Wow, never felt an ending turn my impression around like that. (Personal appreciation of line 6) I don't get the title.
 — C

She's sleeping.
 — unknown

love love love lines 6 and 16

Not a fan of the analogy to Rip Van Winkle, because it lasts so long and is stuck right in the middle. It's not a part of the *actual* poem, you know? Perhaps if that part were at the beginning or the end, it would flow better.
 — Ananke

obviously a poet, i think you could do better than "fuzzily confused". and seraphim and cherubim disappoint me because i doubt that neither you nor us knows them as anything but icons we fuzzily confuse with cheap reproductions of old dusty paintings. too bad because the rest is so fresh- fresh enough even to let the ishmael slide. it makes me want to read your others anyway.
 — gnormal

I wish I had dreams this vivid... Nicely done.
 — nzkiwi

I only wish I write and produce imigery so beautiful
 — missmandie

Nice poem, your poem will help with my research project.
-field
 — unknown

i'm definately intrigued. how?

remember, art doesn't always reflect life.
 — jade

lol i like this....somewhat like when ur on drugs....muwnahaahhah !
 — xsadxstarx

the ocean and sleep, both vast expanses of possibility. I felt like i was wading through the unkown after reading it, as the meaning coalesced. I loved the feel of it, and the literary allusions. Even if a mutual friend would call you a Milton. :)

Interesting use of "cake and circuses" bread and circuses but more decadent with more calories. Even the royalty have their senses dulled by life (such that it is.) Only in sleep and in literature can we truly experience adventures like the nonwaking life of the narrator. Well done. I decided on the 9 even before I knew it was yours.
 — joshodile

Damn.. that was amazing. just amazing
 — unknown

I like it well enough. Nice use of "cheribum," though the poem overall strikes me as overly dramatic.
 — Moth

coooolpoem

 — unknown

Complete, lyrical. Just getting acquainted around here and keep finding these beautiful treasures. Sleep on, sweet dreamer.
 — ka

Jade, this is a spectacular work. I have to admit that l7 gave me double trouble. First, the language of "had these fuzzily confused adventures" was way too complex and out of the character of the rest of the poem. Also, "like Rip", while quick and to the point might be better replaced by something like "the Hudson's dormant Dutchman" which keeps it still unique but more surreal as it gives us a visual picture of the character in his setting and not just his name, dig? I'm giving it an 8, though, which is high praise from me. I may still change it, though, so don't despair.
-zepp
 — zepplin42

you hit on my two biggest beefs with the piece. i dig very much.
 — jade

this is pussy shit, queer bait, gay as bitch
 — unknown

repaid - not repayed

not sure what ishmael has to do with this poem. This son of abraham was sent away because he teased his brother Isaac. His children founded the twelve tribes.

makes no sense
 — unknown

ishmael like moby dick.
 — jade

how about, for this nice poem, taking out the "while dozing like Rip", which says too much, and doing something like
"confused adventures,
Ripped asleep for most of life..." and let the reader fill in the blanks? -- said better than i'm saying it, of course?
 — mikebauer

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