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Partly Cloudy

Red roses lie strewn across a polished wood coffin
and the shell of a twenty-year-old man inside.
Drawn young faces cloaked in sullen
black and grey huddle near, squinting while
crisp azure sky and a yellow bath of sunshine drips
down along our cheeks and noses.

26 Nov 05

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 8, 9

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busting at the gut with imagery. I like the juxtaposition in 5-6, gives the poem a good end
 — Mr_Private

You describe a funeral on a sunny day amazingly, your imagery is fantastic. It is so sad when someone this young dies and you have captured the essence of this perfectly.

On line 1 I would put a semicolon rather than a line and a capital R for red.
Line 3 needs a capital to start.
Apart from those slight corrections this poem is a favourite.
 — marieF

thank you kindly for your positive comments
 — jerotich

this is beautiful, but i think the line breaks on lines 3 and 4 could be better.
 — inutile

weird. but nice.
 — jittery