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and as we lay together
gears

long spindle limbs
 1
dry and crackled legs
 2
red ruby knees
 3
scuffed with fearless pleasure
 4
the contours of my soul
 5
are more jagged than this
 6
drag my fingers across your face
 7
feeling the stubbled grin
 8
you can make me smile
 9
you can make me dream
 10
you can make me
 11
 
 
                         unbroken
 12

27 Nov 05

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (1): 8

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Comments:

fucken beautiful.

do you really need 'and' in line 6? should it be 'are'?
 — varun

thanks varun, it is supposed to be "are" sorry :P
any other comments or constructive criticism would be much appreciated...
 — unknown

thats so beautiful
 — unknown

How about no 'and' in the title?  This is very good, very quick and precise.
 — Isabelle5

thanks for the comments.. anyone else?
 — unknown

anyone, please?
 — unknown

i agree with isabelle, remove the "and" from the title. lol, i don't understand, in your other poem you were reluctant to use such a word, and here you use it seemingly needlessly.
 — inutile

it's not supposed to be stated so clearly like "as we lay together" it's more of a thought, like "and as we lay together, i thought such and such", you know? it's supposed to be said more casually (much like the feeling lying comfortably in someone's arms) rather than a blunt statement.
 — gears

then why not change it to "and as we lay together, i thought"? then you say how you want it to be read, but you leave the rest to the reader. but i don't know anymore, i'm just grasping at straws now.
 — inutile

no criticism. just admiration for a beautiful piece. i'm a fan of this work. of lines 9 to 12... wish i'd written them... so simple with so much depth and truth.
 — dedication

thanks dedication, that means a lot : )
 — gears

woah.

amazing.
 — unknown

again, thanks
- gears
 — unknown

i am wondering whether or not i should change the formatting of the last two lines... should i tab in the "unbroken" or not? theres just something about it that doesnt seem quite right to me yet... comments, help?
 — gears

three spaces before unbroken would help. would be places under the space between you and can in the previous line...
beautiful poem. did i say i love lines 9 -12? if i didn't:
i love lines 9-12.
 — varun

thank you varun, your compliments are much appreciated : )
so, should it be like this then?:

you can make me


      unbroken


yes? no? hmm maybe like this then?:

you can make me
            ;          &nbs p;     unbroken


hmm... the first one is better i think... heeelpppp!
 — unknown

so which formatting should i use??
i would love an answer, im kind of undecided...
 — gears

i reckon put "unbroken" on its own line (either one or two return key presses) and then tab it across so the "u" is directly under the "e" in "me." i think that'd look pretty cool. i love this btw. great title.
 — emptyepitaph

ok changed, thanks emptypitaph : )
but isnt unbroken already on its "own line"? what do you mean exactly?
haha its so funny cuz i never write poems with titles, i only add the titles when i post them here and hope for the best
thanks again  : )
 — gears

oh wait did u mean put more spaces between lines 11 and 12? hm, well i did it anyways... thats what you meant by "return key presses", right?
 — gears

i have no idea what i meant when i said "own line". lol. damn varun and his smooth, imported whiskey. haha. nah, but seriously, i reckon that looks good now. but ultimately the decision is yours to make. i like the change you just made then leaving the big space.
 — emptyepitaph

yeah, that's what i meant.
 — emptyepitaph

yeah i think i'll keep it like this now, thanks... haha took a long time to get a final opnion, thanks empty! : )
haha what about varun now? *confused* :P
 — killersmile

haha shit shit! on a friends account by accident, that was supposed to be me! ahh shes gonna kill me now :P damnit.
 — gears

you're confused? wtf is going on? am i talking to gears or killersmile? you shouldn't do this to a person like me, i'm very unstable and easily baffled :P
 — emptyepitaph

you just answered my question before i had time to post the comment. damn you!
 — emptyepitaph

haha i didnt know what you were talking about in reference to varun :P
yeah haha this is gears, i was on my friends account for a second (killersmile) and accidently forgot i was logged onto that one, so sorry!
- gears
 — unknown

hahah yeah arent i sneaky ; )
- gears
 — unknown

lol. that's sweet. i was implying varun got me drunk and that would be my excuse and a  cover up of my stupid comment regarding "unbroken" not being on its own line.
 — emptyepitaph

haha ohhh i see (i think.. haha). well thanks anyways, your imput got me to *finally* finish this : )
- gears
 — unknown

my pleasure (not literal pleasure, of course). i'm not a freak. I'M NOT!
 — emptyepitaph

lmao empty :P
glad you enjoyed it at least?
haha IM the one whose the FREAK here! :P haha
 — gears

not quiet sure if so much space is needed between lines 11-12.
i think it should be right after.
the space in line 12 is what i suggested earlier.
thanks for taking this into consideration.

-varun-
 — unknown

yeah, i did that last night at about 4am (haha), i realise that i will take out a space, but still leave some.. right after just looks a little odd. thanks again varun, always a pleasure
- gears
 — unknown

welcome.
 — unknown

: )
- gears
 — unknown

Lines 3 and 4 made me smile. I wonder why you made line 11 untrue by breaking off "unbroken"? Or am I just interpreting the blocking too literally? I see there's been a lot of discussion on the placement of this word. I'm not sure I want to reopen it...LOL.
 — Maela

maela, thanks for reading. but what do you mean line 11 is "untrue"? do you mean the meaning of the word, or the fact that it is in another position which makes it "untrue" to the rest of the poem's formatting?
 — gears

nice work.
 — Kee

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