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Dead Horse Beach
starr

Late afternoon
 1
tide rolls out
 2
 
 
Sun sets-
 3
moon rises behind it,
 4
crabs bite our feet.
 5
 
 
Water is up to your thighs
 6
Daylight fades, dies.
 7
 
 
Clouds move
 8
in a slow stampede.
 9

For Jeffrey Berger with love.

18 Dec 05

Rated 9.3 (7.3) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 9, 9
Inactive (17): 1, 1, 1, 1, 5, 5, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

nice enough.
 — Meep

Beautiful ending. Overall appealing poem. I don't think you need "there" in line 2.
Also, I don't think all those upper cases are necessary. They make the images and concepts self-important. No "there" in line 12. Ditto for line 13. Reminds me of Sable Island, where wild horses live + play + die.  

Very pleasing poem. Thanks
 — graceinmtl

Thanks SO MUCH for your comments!  As always, I come here because here is where one who's serious about the craft of poetry can have the opportunity to have his/her work(s) critiqued by some of the best!  Happy Holidays to the both of you!  Best wishes always!
 — starr

Quite int'resting. Requires pondering. Automatic favorite.
 — Hear

as for the poem wow and autop fave is a must on this one
 — turtlepoet

Thanks so much for the favorable remarks.  I appreciate it!  Happy Christmahanukwanzakah everyone!
 — starr

crap.
 — unknown

okay so its a bead horse. so why dont you beat it.
 — unknown

unknown = someone who has no life, no love in their life, no job and a poor sense of self esteem.  go have another drink and work it out, bro.
 — starr

meeting makers make it starr
 — unknown

I loved your "Scoop of orange sherbet", so beautiful, and tasty even!!  This poem made me smile, I really like it.
 — jenakajoffer

10 (8.3) by 1 users.?????????
 — unknown

I like this one starr but you need to cut out some adjectives, they attract unwanted attention to themselves and overtell. Remember at school when the teacher told you to put a lot of describing words into your stories? well she was wrong.
words that this poem could lose- Bountiful- Blissful- and all of line 8,
Also in line 7 do you mean "Then the moon rises up behind it" as it is its  probably a typo. Also all frothy and cool in line 3 doesn't work for me, find the same kind of beauty and descriptive language that you used in lines 14 and 15 and this will be a great poem.
one last thing have you considered "The water is up to our thighs, daylight fades and dies there"
I love the last lines, it shows me how good a poet you really are!
cheers
 — Tentative

Tentative...thankYOU once again for your valuable critique!  I appreciate it.  I DID cut out the adjectives per your suggestion.  I have to admit that I struggled with L5 in describing the "bowl."  I was going to write "sky blue bowl," but I think that with your suggestion against overly using descriptor words, that sticking with "blue bowl" is sufficient description.  Thanks also for the awesome compliments!  Take care and let me know what you think about the revisions put in place.  Peace.  Starr
 — starr

Line 1 - the tide waits where?  There is a little vague.  
Oh, orange sherbet in a blue bowl!  How lovely that is!

  
 — Isabelle5

Isabelle!  You're right!  That's what I love about this workshop.  It really helps one to fine tune their writing to vast degrees!  Thankyou!  I changed L1 so that the tide rolls out instead of waits there.  Good lookin' out!  See ya!
 — starr

What a a beautiful and sensuous vision.
 — opal

I walked the beach with a friend just last week-end and we loved how the moon casts that one silver light across the water and it follows you, no matter how far you drive, no matter how far you walk, that line of silver is there.  
 — Isabelle5

I love this now, don't you!. Sorry I haven't been on this site for the last couple of days but I must say the changes really make this poem the thing of beauty that it wanted to be. With all this in mind I have changed my rating :) Well done starr.
Just one more thing I don't think you need to say "her quiet light" on line 7 If you just have "quiet light beaming in the shadows" it seems stronger to me. Maybe its because the moon as a female is an overused image in poetry.

Then the moon rises up behind it,
quiet light beaming in the shallows

Do you see what I mean, what do you think?
anyway congratulations on writing this enjoyable evovative poem.
 — Tentative

Tentative...THANKYOU!  You're so right.  The moon being written as a member of the female gender is very "overused" in poetry.  Change made and also, thankyou for beautiful and empowering comments about this poem!  God bless you!  Love, Starr
 — starr

I didn't see this before all the revisions, but I definately enjoyed the outcome.  Loved stanza 2 - as everyone said, it's a great image. Lovely work!
 — SteelAngel

Thankyou, Steel Angel!  This beach is in Salem, Massachusetts (where I'm originally from) and it's a very industrial view of a drawbridge and two gigantic gas tanks.  I've always found peace there and wanted to write a poem in its honor.  Now I'm in Portland, Maine, 85 miles up the coastline.
 — starr

i'm not so sure about 'slow' on the last line. you could play around with synonyms.
 — aerol

Scott, I must have missed this poem when you first posted it, I think I was happily languishing in the Midwest at the time.  
I like the rhythm, the carefully woven instances of color and sensation - the figures of shadows and your bodies.  
Here are a couple of nits ... I feel very minimalist this morning
l.1 - I would do away with "in" and have the two first like read almost like making a list, though not quite
Wonderful choice for lines 4-5 - very original.  Good work.  
Not sure if you need the "then" in line 6
Also, not sure about the line breaks in this third stanza, ending l7 with a preposition and a definite article that relate to l8 - I would move "shallows" to line 7 or "in the" to line 8 if I were you but then again, I am not :-)  I do like the length of this stanza and do not want to make it a three liner.

line 10: consider the following
"water up to our thighs"

Is there any particular reason to have daylight be capitalized after a comma at the end of line 10?  I see your capitalization comes usually at the beginning of a stanza (no punctuation at the end of the previous one) but this here was a sore spot to my eyes.  

lines 12 and 13:
"clouds move
in a slow stampede"

I almost have the feeling this poem is not finished ... but then again, maybe I just like a longer story this morning ... especially one so well done
Thanks
Maria
 — slancho

I LOVE your minimalism, Maria and I've made the changes you've suggested.   The last time we corresponded, it was with "Motors Dying in Quiet."  

ThankYOU soooooooooooooooo much for your help/critique here!  I love this poem even more now!  I love how you just come in with an axe and chop away at all the "fat."  This leaves more meat on the bone of this poem.  

Glad you're still around and doin' what you do best...WRITE.  All my love, all the time, Starr
 — starr

you sweet, sweet thing
My love back for you
Thank you
maria
 — slancho

Gorgeous poem!
 — unknown

Hi Starr,
I never forgot that sherbet, I knew I'd find it again.
now that I'm reading it, after like two years, I wonder something (and I am sorry to offer suggestions to a poem that has had it's share and been done), BUT, i think less is more with mentioning the sun and where is always sets.
I wonder, because I felt this:
"tide rolls out
a scoop of orange sherbet-
moon rises inside a blue bowl
melting quiet light in the shallows, (i just thought of melting cuz of the sherbet).
throwing sand
and seaweed at our feet..."

you know, just throwing it out, my madness that is.
Hope your are doing great,
always liked this poem.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

Hey Jen!  Aren't u funny!  This must have been a "random" poem for ya that just happened to pop up, huh?  Anyway, thanks 4 your comments/suggestions.  I think I'll just leave it as I left it over a year ago.  You know what they say..."If it ain't broke, don't fix it."  Doin' good.  Hope u guyz are too!  Love, Starr
 — starr

haha, yeah, that's cool.
It wasn't random, I was actually sifting through your list because I knew it was your poem, just didn't know the title.
Had an urge to read it again, glad I did.
Good to hear you're all good,
me too.
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

You posses a delicate simple grace of language, yo props out 2 ya boyeeee!
 — Highwayman

is this "maki horse" beach on molakai? naked all day there for a week one year, long ago. probably not maki horse -- "dead horse", and maybe it's endemic to beaches that some of them have horses die on them?

wish this were a little more reckless though, cause the clouds don't care what we think of them and we look like worms so far below. might as well see the clouds as razor blades or diamonds.
 — joey

Joey, joey, joey...I love your thoughtful and free-flowing critiques.  This is Dead Horse Beach in Salem, Massachusetts, where I'm from originally.  Nothin' special.  A little inlet of Salem Harbor, which then flows into Collins Cove (my old hood.) It's a dirty, industrial, barren haven I miss surrounded by gas tanks, powerlines and a replacement for the old drawbridge that was constantly getting stuck open.  I used to go there to blaze up and write.  I miss home a lot, but I think life in Maine is better; more advantaged than in the overrated and clogged up Boston Area(s.)  Peaceout, bro.  Thanks for checkin' this out.  Starr
 — starr

yes this is a little quiet - though nicely written .. it is concise and directs the minds eye to the image quite clearly ... yet :)

... i find myself hoping for ... something flashing across the page... a shimmer of an image ... something transcendent and not simply the description of the water up to your thighs - though please do not think i do not like that image or the description, i very much do like..

line 3 and 4 are a joy... a thick bright stroke of image, and then it quietens, though perhaps that is the point, after the drama of the sunset, the subsidence into twilight, the water deepening in hue, and i do like that motion you have tried to draw senses in the last line.. very much..

the previous comments and the editing you have done has crafted this into a very nice piece to read

:)
 — Mongrol

Mongrol...THANKyou for your awesome compliments!  Have a good night!  Starr
 — starr

nice poem....except it has a moon in it...kind of necessary but whatever.

L11- the 'and dies' is kind of unnecessary, i would cut it or make it 'Daylight fades away"...its like a vampire anyway...

last two lines are great, your say it prefectly...clouds do seem to move in a slow stampede...interesting.
 — DeformedLion

Thank you, DeformedLion for your kind comments.  I think I'll keep the "and dies" in L11, as it flows with the preceding "up to our thighs," which was intended in order that the rhyme be kept.  I see what you're saying though and I thank you for stoppin' by and checkin' my stuff out.  Peace!  Starr
 — starr

Starr, may I offer one suggestion?  When I was reading the poem, I had trouble with the following:

Moon rises up behind it,
quiet light beaming in the shallows
which throw sand and seaweed
at our feet.


I kept thinking, "Hmm.  That should read 'throws sand and seaweed."  Then I suddenly realized it wasn't the light you were referring to.  I'm not sure but I think you've got some kind of grammatical error here.  I don't know the name for it.  Maybe misplaced modifier or something?

I'm not even sure how I would reword it, but I do think it's a little confusing the way it's written.  Beautiful poem, btw.
 — unknown

Thanks for the compliment and it's quiet light beaming in the SHALLOWS which THROW.  Shallows is the subject.  Throw is the verb.  Shallows throw sand and seaweed at our feet.
 — starr

why the hell is it called dead horse beach? in my opinion that title takes away all the beauty of the poem!!! i was expecting something morbid and i was actually ready to enjoy that but instead i found this great poem. please please dump that godawful title!!!
 — unknown

LOL!  That's really the name of the beach!  It's in Salem, Mass.!  Thanks 4 the compliment to the poem though!  Have a good night!  - Starr
 — unknown

ohh gosh i feel like a freakin idiot! i'm so sorry starr, i didn't mean to be so angry in that last post!!! lol, re-reading it i realize how harsh it was. please forgive unknown?! if only i can master the CAPTCHA (random letters thingy)
 — unknown

I've been meaning to comment on this one. Lines 3-4 are a dorky image...it really jolts the poem in a bad way. The poem overall is succinct, but it says so little and in such a hackneyed way. Consider revising it. 5/10
 — Henry

if it's 'hackney' at all, henry, and it's about a horse, shouldn't that clue you that there's something else going on here but 'tell a story to henry'?
 — geckodrome

pacifying... wonderful memories this one... a wishing desire for your adept writing... loads of smiles j.g.
 — goeszon

It was nice to find this one starr--fabulous imagery.
 — PaulS

Henry, thank you.  I took your advice.  Mike, J.G. and Paul, thanks for your comments and input as well.  Much appreciated.  :-)
 — starr

this is sooooooooooooooooo beautiful.  random poem.  
 — unknown

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