poetry critical

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On Saving the World

In order for
a man to save
the entire world,
he must first
save himself
Let himself
be saved
by the world.
Only then
can he
become able to
fix the problems
he was meant to

The second in a series of two, the first is entitled "On Saving Yourself"

22 Dec 05

Rated 10 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (4): 7, 8, 8, 9, 10

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Oh, I love the philosophy. This is good, like the first one. The formatting is a little strange though, especially in Line 6. Do you think you could change that?
 — lonelygirl

hmmm i'm sure i could, but how do u think i should?
 — bear

Such a nice title adds to tight, yet perfectly sound, sounding of this. Complements to the writer

(or philosophe).
 — Opinion

why thank you very much. we'll just say writer, i am hardly a philosophe.
 — bear

Though quite a philospher in creativity and multiple possibilities in fate and all that surrounds life's movements.
 — Opinion


On ce agin, I misspelled.
 — Opinion

brilliant. i will say i like this better than the first piece. they go nice complimenting each other as a couple, but this stands on its own as a poem in its own right. this is unreal. favourite.
 — emptyepitaph

l11-12 bad grammar
 — unknown

*sigh* i suppose this is true.  i wish it weren't.  gah, it even says so in scripture.  i don't like to believe the logical way of this.  good poem.  good jorb.  (;

i like.
 — ducktape

Please explain, "Let himself be saved by the world." and why you chose to offer this as a second option?  I completely agree with the truth behind this, although, it makes me wonder what really constitutes poetry.  This might be better placed into a concise sentence or two and used as an inspirational quote.
 — mot_juste

Does the poem use a specific format, why should I like this and what is your point?  
 — Meep

thanks  emptyepitaph!

duckie, i am sorry it is true, but alas it is...

meep, no there is no specific format, is there one you had in mind? i have no idea why you should like it... maybe because its the best damn poem you will ever read! just kidding.  the point? i guess the point i am trying to make is before someone can help anybody they need to have all of their shit figured out. they can do this on their own or take the helping hand of the world.
 — bear

i REALLY like the ideas. my problem is that some of the words are too ordinary... with maybe some other word choices the poem could flow better?

but thats just a little thing, otherwise, beautiful ideas.
 — topop

in 10-15:


only then
can he
become able
to fix the problems
he was meant to


only then
will he
be able to
fix the problems
he was meant to

nice poem bear
 — unknown


i made a change unknown.
 — bear

thank you for considering.

 — unknown

 — lodza

very true
 — bear

I liked it until the last two lines. I still like it, but feel like the last two lines are akward.
 — FemmeInLA

how can i fix the last two lines to make it less awkward? and thanks for liking it!
 — bear

seriously lame and unnoriginal
 — unknown

for serious? thank you for that useful comment. i shall now go read your poetry and compare it to my own. o wait! shit! i can't. what a disapointment.

 — bear