poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Scatterbrained Wondering of a Sleep-Deprived Linguist.
teo_omega11

I think that I'll make
 1
the next poem that I submit
 2
into a haiku...
 3
 
 
Or, maybe
 4
 
 
   make a cliché, cunning
 5
 
 
               design
 6
 
 
         with my
 7
 
 
   alternating
 8
 
 
line
 9
 
 
   breaks..
 10
 
 
      ...or not.
 11
 
 
What if I rhyme
 12
and use meter this time?
 13
Will my poem then be decent,
 14
unlike my recent
 15
work?
 16
 
 
I guess rhyming's not my thing
 17
I'll have to try a different fling
 18
 
 
Now that was really awful...
 19
 
 
Perhaps...
 20
Perhaps devices
 21
are
 22
not
 23
what makes
 24
the poem,
 25
but maybe,
 26
just
 27
maybe,
 28
the poem is meant
 29
to be
 30
a
 31
singular
 32
device.
 33

Poetry? Yes, that's rhetorical.

23 Dec 05

Rated 9 (7.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (13): 1, 1, 1, 5, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(11 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Well its differnt....and kinda neat.....I like it..
 — septem

Different and kinda neat.

That was the general idea. Thanks.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

I like the idea, and it does sound good.
 — TheJediPimpz

I actually think its amazing!
 — Radder

I think the poem is good but a little off but it seems very creative and like everyone else has said different which is good. I really like  lines 20 through 31 because some people could find a deeper meaning to it..which thats what you might have meant to do i dont really know....but it is good people can relate the way your trying to find a way to write a poem to how they want to "write" their life....yeah I dont know if any of this comment makes any sense but oh well.
 — unknown

Wow, I love it, poems about poems interest me a lot. Lines 20-31 are great and 12-16 are pretty funny. *faves*
 — lonelygirl

Poetry?
Not
!
 — unknown

this poem matches your screen personality. That is not a compliment, Teo the Toe
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;          & nbsp;         
 — unknown

I wish you would reveal yourself, unknown, and give a critique of how to improve the work if you didn't like it.

I have no aversion to criticism, just a dislike for baseless accusations.

By the way, unknown #2, your html didn't work.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

setting aside that i tend not to like poems about poetry, or lack of inspiration, or anything to do with this site alone,

your poem is more than decent.

i suggest you make the first sentence of the footnote a headnote, or even the title.
 — inutile

Thanks inutile, done.

I was feeling inspired at the time, but not to write something deep. Just something sarcastic.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

the title sounds better now. i would read the poem if i glanced at it. i only read it the first time because it was written by you (those brackets sure seperate you from the crowd)
 — inutile

Thanks again for the advice.

The brackets do help...it works much as Rhein's [.//] format.
I can see why he did it.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

interesting idea. i quite like the idea portrayed and the format used. and as for the rhymes, i'll come back with suggestions when i'm in a more productive state. the foundation here is great, though.
 — emptyepitaph

You're such a pretentious pimple face. Take your sodomized critiques and blow them. Your poetry is limp-dick loser crap-o-la. With your presence, PC has zonked plunged to an all time Nadir. You indeed are an omega spawn.
 — unknown

You're the one who wrote the poem about bombs, aren't you?

I can see why the brightest among us left this site. If you didn't want a critique on your sub-par poetry, you shouldn't have posted on this site. It's called Poetry Critical for a reason.

I, however, do want critiques on my sub-par poetry. From what I've noticed, however, those who really hate my poetry and really want it changed the most have yet to post a tangible critique. So I'm sorry, but your comment is worthless to me.

Also, I love the pimple-face reference. It's amazing how someone can abuse somebody they've never seen with physical insults. Pathetic.

If you have honest commentary on the poem I've posted, please tell me what to change. However, if you're only going to flame, I'll brush you off as I have now. Have a nice day.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

And thus, the interest in my poem died. Oh well.
 — teo_omega11

Lines 4-11 are clearly lifted from [.//i have no more lips to lick] and rearranged to suit your needs. ^__^

I like this much better than your other piece, but I still await more. More...

...anddon'trepeatmycontentverbatumasthoughitisyourown.
 — unknown

P.S. I absolutely did not use [.//] to get attention.
 — Rhein

Rhein: I swear upon all I hold dear that I didn't consciously take those lines.

And they're verbatim? Shiiiat. My bad.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

I had to come to see why someone thought you were me. Interesting. I see what they mean, a kind of bio of my poems, although you could not know it. Love this, not because it is like me - it isn't - very original. I also like the fact that you took others advice - a rare quality. Excellent.
 — unknown

Unknown: Thank you, but they thought I was you...who are you?

I'd like to know whose poems I'm writing unperceived bios of.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

Very original.  I loved it.
 — fallinforyou

for the sake of not commenting without some sort of criticism...

      no 'little' in L6?
      I for some reason struggle with 'other' in L15
      I would say eh to L17 and L18 if it were not for L19. so disragard that.
      duuuu.. yeah thats it.

This was a fun read. It made me want to write in speradic fashion.
It suits this poem perfectly.
To be honest.. I like this a lot more than I think that I should like this I think...
nah.. its worthy. well done. I often feel the same way mostly at such hours of the morning as well.
infact, time for bed.

You get a kindergarden goodjob sticker [HERE]
 — Brando_O

L17-18 were supposed to be horrid to lead into L19.

Thanks for the sticker. And it was about 3 a.m. when I wrote this, and I realise now that I really do need to get more sleep.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

radiohead poet
 — unknown

Gorgeous! I loved it. I loved the fact that it was nothing like all the other poems I seem to read that are so cliche same old same old B.S. Also unlike all the other poems that aren't cliche this one has meaning and a good message. Bravo Teo.
 — Poor_Poet

And, you know what I think most people say when they criticise pieces? I think they are saying, "Wow, you wrote this just for me! But really, if you are writing something that is for me, you should put it into words which appeal to me and get rid of the words that don't." That's what they are saying most of the time; some of the time the criticism is actually constructive.
 — Poor_Poet

good for you!!
 — unknown

Clever poem. An interesting meditation on the art of writing and has a good flow too.
 — larrylark

shoulda ended it on 'awful'

otherwise you run the risk of alientating the perspicuous reader with your bathetic/pathetic redundancy

'and the loop was closed' said the cowboy gettin stoned
by the cow
 — unknown

why did you change the title back? i loved it.

don't start every line with a capital. like you have for most of the start of the poem. i really can't stand that.

remove elipsis on L15

remove the second part of the footnote.
 — inutile

Inutile:

Fixed the footnote. I forgot about it. -shrug-

I put the third stanza..thing in question form. Better? Worse?

Also, I changed the title because it was...wordy and irritating. Maybe I'll change it back at a later time, but I'll word it differently.

Of course, the punctuation errors and capitalisation have been fixed. Thanks for the crit.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

better. much better, in my humble opinion.
 — inutile

Like the new title? It's not the old one, but it's close, and I like it better.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

i like the other one best, but this is better then the one you had before.

check your [want] poem.

and do you have a hotmail?
 — inutile

I have a Gmail that I use as an MSN account. I'm not afraid to put it out here, it's not like a stalker's going to hunt me down and hurt me.

mark.is.my.hero@gmail.com

And I did just check [Want], thanks for the help.

[Teo]
 — teo_omega11

a title to tease. waiter  the entree sucks.
 — unknown

I really enjoyed this poem.
 — lefttheparty

Your title made me tired. And in need of a drink.
 — outtolunch

One of the worst collection of words I have read on this site.

The flaw is in the ethos, as if YOU had enough merit to even begin to define poetry, talk about poetry, speak in poetry, or let poetry take over your thoughts.

DO NOT TRY AN ARS POETICA. The essence of poetry is over your head, and for you to talk about it, is pretentiousness.

I may fault other poets for being dumb, yes, people may notice that. But I fault you the worst, for thinking you are smart.


And my argument has not even touched upon your dull luster and impoverished words. Your scraps of childeren. They are nothing. You have nothing here. Nothing!

Mending quilts,
Spending money on milk
If only your mother's tit,
was linked to it,
That small thimble,
needling a medic's stitch,
into a sitting nothing,
with arms and legs
waving at the diving board
"Mom look, I am nimble."
 — pra3torian

Cleverly done and demonstrates mastery of form

Larry dash it off and be damned Lark
 — unknown

hmmm
strangeyetneat
cool words
 — chuckles

Pra3's irrelevance has proven itself with time.

Thanks larry, and chuckles. This is really old, mainly something I wrote just to have a bit of fun and let out some sarcasm.

Teo.
 — teo_omega11

sure
if aint fun fer ya
what's the point, really?
 — chuckles

yes!  trying to rhyme all the time is like a ball and chain around my mind...but now I am off the subject...

love the break line 19 now that was really awful. l might ditch the first perhaps, but this is your piece and stands perfect as you wrote it,

clever and smart. love your work. each piece shines in its own way and this one is definately a star.

thank you
i
 — ilenelush

your linguist seems smarter at the first few lines, then turns into a mrs. grundy -- forcing it by rote. it's nice that you got to "say some things", and maybe, in spite of your ironic distance, you actually learnt a few new moves from writing this? kind of like wagner, who was no genius, but clever -- and he'd hook a melody over another melody because they were associated with, what, "people and ideas", and the literary combinations -- not making absolute sense musically -- built a new way of hearing music, if not writing it. other, later, composers took care of the composing part. so in this, it's that you've "done some crazy things", but maybe showed what space punctuation is about, in a simply way.
 — joey

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