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lungs grasp for
gasping ashes, your
pen silhouetting each
each iota
of each soundless
nightmare noire.
she's been dancing,
sweet sweat silencing
the apparent rhapsody
of bedtime stories
that never included specifically
her happy ending.
she's been sleeping
since i personified writing,
playacting the messiah,
the raven: each
a different reason
to despair, to
read between each
dream and between
each other.  i've
become autumn:
weeping for
lost color.

23 Dec 05

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i think i have too many modifiers.  maybe this is a little too wordy?  what do you guys think?
 — midare

I find the writing in here to be just splendid.

However, I think the biggest problem with this (actually, probably the only problem) is the way you have spaced the words. I think if you give more attention to keywords of this poem, you might be surprised at how well it might read, or sound if you read it aloud. For example, change the first stanza to:

lungs grasp for
gasping ashes, your
pen silhouetting each
each iota  
of each soundless  

nightmare noire.

Simply an idea. As far as your stringing of words are concerned, this is very good; good

 — Opinion

i made some changes.  thanks, opinion.  i think my biggest problem as a writer is that i fumble over linebreaks.  :0

 — midare

i dont know who well silhouette works as a verb on line 3.  9-15 are lovely but would be more effective without line 8.  the words are enough to make you imagine.
 — HandsomeHerb

i really like this poem, and i envy your vocabulary.
 — inutile

I am simply appeased I could help.
 — Opinion

Oh my God.Start with an HB pencil and work up slowly will you.
 — larrylark

i'm not sure how to interpret that comment, larry. :0
 — midare

You know I like your pottery, midare. But this one doesn't feel like it's about anything, and I know this kind of writing all too well; I do it too often. The words are pretty, but what does it all mean? Why? Will I remember what this is about? The words are very, very beautiful, but lacks direction to me.
 — wendz

i like this poem. but i am think it could be tighten up. there are a lot of metaphors here that are vague. some of the individual lines are really lovely. i guess i would like to see some more specific detail about this relationship.
 — wordlover

I think its absolutely amazing, fresh, different images
 — Cloudless

thank you very much, cloudless.
 — midare