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Vindication Has Latex Wings

And five year olds were never meant to be this
you rationalize as she
dances, a feather in your moonlight,
The (butterfly-smile) beckons your strength, hard and
to match your lost irises
(the Sun is a thief, you both shun him).
The moths are laughing
false pretences.
Bittersweet, you howl at their six feet and still
offer you no recognition.
In the arms of a shadow you unearth her, hair gold like
exoneration that reels just
your reach.
Ivory exteriors shimmer like (absolution) as you
out of mind and out of passion.
Young tears
your suffocating hands as you break her
softly, silent as beauty.
‘Smile, butterfly.’
You whisper through a
as kittens claw at your back, trembling through sapphires.
She vomits a little as your soul
evacuates, tarantulas (don’t) frown.
You stroke vindication and leave her to scrub
the budding rose in her underwear.

17 Jan 06

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this sent a shiver down my spine... it's written wonderfully but i don't understand the tarantula comment.
 — scenecharade

Thanks for the comment Scenecharade.  

'Tarantulas' was actually a reference to eyebrows.  So L34 was originally intended to mean that the persona referred to as 'you' was not perturbed by the child's vomitting.
 — Dheroan

I almost want to post anonomously how much i really like this but i will own up to my opinion and say that this is truely well written.

Horrific imagery made Beautiful.

For the sake of criticism, maybe a more symbolic finishing line. Doing this for those readers who have yet to acctually accept the message these words are so brason to convey by its completion. It might leave more of a sense of, "is that what this is about?" rather than an obvious suggestion.

Although, your anythingbutsuble finish is also very powerful and can be considered an important strength.

All in all, impressive.
 — Brando_O

why the parentheses? they are not needed, the parenthsized words don't seem like asides

this is very good. I agree with Brando about the last line.
 — Ananke

I just skimmed it, but I like it from that.
 — lieskilllies

Intriguing work; definitely a compelling read.  The way this poem reads on the page also suggests an intentional disjointedness as well, which is very effective here.

All I would suggest for revision is that the last stanza strikes me as too blunt & wordy for the rest of the poem, where it seems the author becomes a bit judgemental of his characters.  "Wolf-grin" seems judgemental, and "blood in her underwear" tells what the first part of the poem suggest -- and suggestion is the stronger.

Good stuff.  Thanks,
 — mikkirat

Yeah thanks guys, I was actually thinking that about the last stanza too.  I was going to come back to it anyway.  Leave it with me, I'll see what I can do with it.

Alright, I knew someone would ask about the parentheses.  The reason they were added was to convey the uncertainty and confusion of the persona ('you')... I'm trying to think of how I can explain it... For example, in L21, the parentheses were intended to evoke the sense that the persona was unsure precisely of what word to use.  Oh man, I don't know if that makes it any clearer, lol.

I'm really glad that you picked that up about the layout Mickey, that's exactly what I was going for.
 — Dheroan

I altered L37 to something a little more symbollic, I'd appreciate any ideas regarding it.

As for the 'wolf-grin' idea, the reason I chose that particular wording was to contrast with the earlier 'butterfly-smile', so I'm not quite sure about changing that yet, though I will continue to think about it.
 — Dheroan

Also, I think I have a better explanation for the parentheses than I did in the late hours of last night.  ^_^"

Obviously, the persona 'you' is psychologically disturbed.  As such, he would find it highly difficult to distinguish between what is appropriate and what isn't.  The parentheses were an attempt to reflect this through wording.  In L34, 'don't' was enclosed by parentheses because the persona knew that he should, in fact, be 'frowning', distressed by his actions.  However, a misguided moral compass prevents him from feeling what he 'should' feel.  Better?  No?  Tough, that's the best explanation I can come up with, lol.

 — Dheroan