| Two Sides of the Fat Coin
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Isabelle5
| Part I - Thinner | 1 |
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She likes the feel of her hip bones | 2 |
when she’s walking with her hand | 3 |
in her pocket - the motion of the socket | 4 |
makes her feel sexy and ethereal, | 5 |
like when men put their arms | 6 |
around her waist and breathe, | 7 |
“There’s nothing here to hold.” | 8 |
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Some men prefer a cushion | 9 |
against their knees, | 10 |
her men prefer boner to bone, | 11 |
crushing into her skeleton | 12 |
like a hammer chiseling rock. | 13 |
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She shatters only slightly | 14 |
with each blow, feeling lighter | 15 |
by the minute, by the man. | 16 |
Even the kisses that suck the breath | 17 |
from her hungry lungs serve only | 18 |
to lighten her load and the orgasm | 19 |
is not sexual release at all, | 20 |
merely a different kind of hot caloric burn. | 21 |
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Part II - Changing Nothing but the Tools | 22 |
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They stapled her stomach | 23 |
to help her get small; | 24 |
carved a good bit of gut | 25 |
(and intestinal wall). | 26 |
She eats with a teaspoon now, | 27 |
dainty and slow. | 28 |
“900 teaspoons in a gallon of Breyers!” she screams… | 29 |
like she needed to know. | 30 |
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20 Jan 06 |
Rated 9 (8.6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10
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(239 more poems by this author)
(5 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Ohhh, Isabelle, I like this one :-) I really like the ending. That last line worked perfectly. I'm going to trying and play with line breaks on this a little and see if I can come up with anything. You don't have to use the suggestions, but I just wanna see if I can help you sharpen up some things.
Part I: Thinner
She likes the feel of her hip
bones when she's walking with her hand
in her pocket--the motion
of the socket makes her feel sexy
and ethereal, like when men put
their arms around her
waist and breathe:
"There's nothing here
to hold."
Some men prefer a cushion against
their knees, but her men prefer
boner to bone, crushing
into her skeleton like a hammer
chiseling rock. She shatters
only slightly with each blow,
feeling lighter by the minute,
by the man. Even the kisses that suck
the breath from her
hungry lungs serve to lighten her load,
and the orgasm is not a sexual release,
no sexual liberation at all, merely another
kind of hot, caloric burn.
Part II: Changing Nothing but the Tools
They stapled her
stomach to help her
get small; carved
a good bit of gut
(and intestinal wall).
She eats with a teaspoon now,
dainty and slow, screaminng
"900 teaspoons in a gallon of Breyers!"
like she needed to know.
I really like this poem, Isabelle. Keep up the good work. Thanks for the awesome comment yesterday by the way.
— TaylorC
Perfect!
— unknown
Well, thank you! Taylor, I like the line breaks you made and will work on this Monday. Imc
— Isabelle5
I keep reading this over, trying to reconcile the two ways some women deal with their bodies. I write the anorexic part from experience but I have no idea what a person feels, who needs to have surgery to keep the food from taking over her life. Either flip of this coin bears the face of a sad person.
— Isabelle5
California love...
This screams west-coast body-image standards.
As a former fat midwesterner, I can appreciate this one.
Maybe part II could be longer.
— aforbing
good.
— unknown
Not sure how to make part two longer but I'll think about it. It was supposed to show that even an operation does not change the person if they don't change what they crave. It's more than a physical thing. I'll work on it, thanks!
Is it California? I was not in California until my 20's and the obsession with thin began way back at 15 or so. No longer obsessed - concerned, not obsessed!
— Isabelle5
y'know 80 percent of the time we think we're hungry, we're really only thirsty.
— Kauf
you can live on milk, lol, but I can't.
— unknown
your lactose intolerant, i'm wack host intolerant.
— unknown
ha ha, like the ending to this poem.
It flows well, just a few minor changes needed
L10 change the comma to a semi colon.
L17 take out "the" before kisses.
L19 put a full stop after load and take out and.
I notice the last stanza has a good rhyme pattern but the rest only has rhyme here and there. Interesting, is that deliberate.
Good poem
— marieF
Maybe change "part 2" to "epilogue as it is shorter but complete in itself.
— marieF
Who gave this an anorexic three?
— unknown
how would you even know?
— unknown
Know what? Who?
— Isabelle5
How would who know what? What is the question? I can't answer it for you if you are not clear what you want to know.
— Isabelle5
last two lines - perfect.
i like this, especially the last stanza.
pocket / socket - nice
only thing i'll crit is l11, l12 - the flow seems a bit interrupted there, but maybe that's just right.
— inebriated
probably one of my favourite poems by you. the 3 stanza to 1 stanza balance is perfect. the subject incredibly well handled. surprises await at almost every turn. i hope no one talks you into fiddling with it.
— kaleidazcope
hmm, this is interesting, i like it very much.. very specific and vivid images
— xerda
I loved part 1. I think part 2 should be completely seperate from part 1. But, that's just my two cents, may be 1 cent too many ;-)
— FemmeInLA
hm... nice
— jittery
Part II IS totally separate, which is why it's called Two Sides of the Fat Coin, Femme.
— Isabelle5
wow
— aurelius
this seems to me what ought to be written in preparation for a poem. it is more a statement than poesy. one step too literal to beget insight.
be more obtuse.
— jumpoline
I really like this poem, but, could you clerify the last line for me....like she needed to know... if she just got surgery to put off weight why is she eating so much? And if she is going to eat that much why does she use a teaspoon...? Maybe you have it all planned out for the rest of part II... hmm... I'm still gonna add it to my favorites... and you really described the skinny woman well... very in-depth.
— loveart416
Clarifying the last line - the girl I'm thinking of had her stomach stapled but she has not changed her mental stomach, still eats bad food, too much of it, depends on the surgery to get her thin when in fact, she never even attempted weight loss since it involved self control and smaller portions, plus working out as opposed to pigging out.
The teaspoon refers to the fact that once your tummy is stapled, you can't eat much more than a few spoonsful at a time without pain. She still counts, she has not changed at all and therefore, she will be one of those who can get her stomach stapled as small as she wants but she will still be fat.
— Isabelle5
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