poetry critical

online poetry workshop



military guv'ment(perpetual egg)
onklcrispy

happy berfday faft

fathoms below the saline slap of seas surface
 1
nestled in the murky blue perpetual dusk of the ocean floor
 2
sit a bureaucratic citadel
 3
underwater xanadu house
 4
poultry amphitheatre
 5
 
 
behind the stockade of this institutional orb
 6
you and i, and us, with we
 7
(or in the very least some variation of ourselves)
 8
together again for the first time
 9
all over again
 10
ad infinitum
 11
 
 
photo of malcom jamal warner droops on the wall
 12
his cool half-smile, and narrowed-eyed
 13
gaze supervise our performance
 14
with malevolent benevolence
 15
 
 
operating swiftly, our magnified irises bounce
 16
around horned rims
 17
we peck and scratch at procedure
 18
tails of our lab coats flap around our ankles
 19
like the benign wings of a headless hen
 20
 
 
engaged in ecstatic prayer with our fair weather fowl:
 21
detangling the horfs and chonks of an elephantine orpington
 22
determining the algorithms of a colossal holothroidean gimizah
 23
oscillating blimptonic ausralorp
 24
 
 
“why have we put ears on the behmothic columbian wyandottes?”
 25
good question!
 26
 
 
have you seen our narragansett? they are the size of datsun!
 27
peer out the windows in sphere-17!
 28
you will see them reviewing attack formations in their scuba gear!
 29
assailing nothing in particular
 30
awkward and buoyant
 31
false flight in fields of turtle grass
 32
 
 
working feverishly, covered in ovalbumen
 33
engaged in some sort of self indulgent paranoid waltz of frustrating stoogery
 34
forever decoding some sort of convoluted cryptic message in hidden whisper of charlemagne’s ghost
 35
substandard puppets on the knees of far more advanced puppets?
 36
 
 
in another lifetime, you were getting stock quotes from a friendly bee
 37
flying ‘round the inside of your yurt
 38
bearded phantom of happy dreams
 39
or a tree dwelling peasant with an orange afro
 40
 
 
perhaps this is another comic-based on a movie based on our true life accounts as a comic based on a movie?
 41
perhaps yoslefsky?
 42
perhaps miniah?
 43
 
 
our genetic code appears on the ‘waffle of the week’
 44
for all of our honking netherlander co-workers
 45
to see and taste and absorb and assimilate and saturate
 46
 
 
vah to you waffles of the weak!
 47
and week also! and also vah!
 48
boxed vah to saturated arm!
 49
all vah! for all the time!!
 50
 
 
looking upon the snapshot on the wall
 51
the prodigal huxtable
 52
 
 
i wonder
 53
will we ever be self winding?
 54

31 Jan 06

Rated 9.5 (7.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (18): 1, 2, 2, 3, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(25 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

there is piece of music which accompanies this poem here
 — onklcrispy

make that here: http://rapidshare.de/files/12267916/miltary_guv_ ment_malcom_jamal_warner .mp3.html
 — onklcrispy

sorry http://rapidshare.de/files/12267916/mil tary_guv_ment_malcom_jamal_warner.mp3.html
 — onklcrispy

http://rapidshare.de/files/12267916/mil tary_guv_ment_malcom_jamal_warner.mp3.html
 — onklcrispy

hahaha this is so frustrating
 — onklcrispy

for the time being email me, and i'll send you the file
 — onklcrispy

i'd move sit up to 2 from 3 chucklehound.

reading line 28 i had an epifanny
best metaphor of 2006 so far

i honk it
 — kaleidazcope

Zoopah!
--SB
 — unknown

dis poem be da bomb!
 — unknown

l16- suggestion "mothering wings"

I love it up to l33 and then again from 47-50.

in between its kind of .. silly.
 — Cloudless

what be turtle grass?
 — unknown

Who be Faft?
 — unknown

Faft:
http://www.t aikonetic.com/faftkingdom/music/
 — onklcrispy

turtle grass:
h ttp://www.sms.si.edu/IRLFieldGuide/Thalass_testud.htm
 — onklcrispy

achoo! I'm allergic to turtle grass but I respect it. Thanks for the link. Turtle Grass does not dra nutrients from its hosts. In conclusion, I guess I would be obliged to say that the author of this poem has one of the most creative minds at work and play. ( As does Hank, Root and Gnormal).  praise from a lesser poet
 — unknown

danke!
 — onklcrispy

Onkel Chrispy, your poetry will forever remain an opressed prisoner by a regime of poorly written, lesser poems. This site is their Alcatraz, and you must form some sort of escape from this place.

--A friend
 — unknown

hooray!
 — noodleman

With Onkl, who gnows? but did you purpose-on leave out the "i" in military (?)
Nice t'see you at the TOP of your gyame.
 — unknown

self yawning


rudie huxtable
 — unknown

i would understand it if i were stoned.
sadly, i am not.
lol. surreal is good. food for the grafnkle of the y'torie
 — monarch

i dont get this at all

at all

but if i did my crit would go like this:


samuel and becket sittin on a bucket of pick it fence

sam fell off and broke his neck

becket said: never perform the heimlich manuever on the hymen deck


?





my name is yellow eyed anemic prick being flogged by a frog
 — unknown

L5: poultry amphitheatre

i'm trying to think of a reason for what that would fit, but i still haven't come up with one. why?

L9-10: made me very happy. i squee'd.

i was surprised how much the vocabulary didn't bog down the descriptions and story-telling, which doesn't happen that often. there were a few words i had to look up, but it still feels like you own all of them and i think it fits in over all. the music posted works well with it too.

the only thing i question is the enjambment because i really can't figure out why you're doing it-- maybe it would make more sense aloud, but i'm fumbling over the pronunciation of the words so much that any sign of metre is fucked.

will look at this again later too.

when i can pronounce things.
 — youthculture

anyone who can write about charliemane dis way is a ginius pure and simple

you must be good in bed too

therefore i luve you and must hump you

you heffernefferlump

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaf Jusef
 — unknown

ausralorp chicken flaps its way into my brain stem every now and then.

thought you might like to know.
 — root

Epic- But I did need a dictionary and Google for a couple of hour. Write a short brief in Laymen’s terms to see if I got it!

Layout and flow is Guinness

Sehr Gut!

MFG

KevinJSkinner  

P.S. I just added a military poem, but its weak and lame after reading your poem. I am going to throw myself out of the ground floor window in shame!
 — KevinJSkinne

IT IS SO GOOD, I JUST BIT OF MY LEFT INDEX FINGER
TOO BAD I'M NOT A STARFISH. THAT MIGHT SCAR
THE SOUND OF THE WORDS
RESOUNDING IN MY EARS
IS ALMOST ORGASMIC

www.piczo.com/CHARR ED-REMAINS
 — unknown

This is waayyy too absurdist and pretencious for me
 — unknown

waaayyyy "pretencious"!
 — onklcrispy

(i'm making fun of you)
 — onklcrispy

Faft is an underwater scuba monster, I think is the resounding g spot of this poetry? malcom jamal warner indeed, my foligarchy friend.

the charles man (mang?) was and is always one of my favoritos, but alas the doritos and constant oppression by linguistics has stuck us to the side of this bright orange city bus. also and please do definate "holothroidean" as my pre cognitive language chip that I had upgraded by your well to do store is functioning almost improperly due to lots of rain. wondering greatly if you have the anti-h20 code line in or if its due in next light year.

either way, this is more than fitting indeed as a present presented to one at an ubiquitous birth such as was when Faft was pulled from the ground by lime green antennae and placed in unison with two pairs of goggles (both made of plexiglass) and a miniature golf cart twelve inches in height.

by the way, self indulgent paranoid waltzes are by far my most favorite words to have escaped your bonnet in quite some time. parallely, in fact and in theory, you will be self winding in twelve and a half months time minus the necessary variables that come from time continously speeding up.

thankyou for these gravitons!


Shelby
(otherwise now known as the sacred fire)
 — ShelbyS

|1; "of the sea" isn't needed (and the alliteration is honestly kind of unartful and gimmicky--though it works elsewhere). the first 2 lines in general are really wordy, why? to simulate distance or murkiness? 'cause the first could be done with adjusting some positions and stanza spacing, etc.

|3; sit --> sits

|6; "deep sea" isn't needed because we're obviously still underwater for all intents and purposes.

|7; maybe say "you and i, us with we" instead? it's not a pressing point. Line 8 afterwards doesn't seem incredibly important if the murkiness/confusion is apparent in the preceding line (consider adding a couple "or"s for good measure.

|12; narrow --> narrowed. also, some dashes would reduce the seeming mass of words (half-smile and narrow-eyed). consider cutting the comma too. maybe start a new line after gaze.

|14; bouncing --> bounce

|16; flapping --> flap. erase the comma (or make all after it a new line)

|18-20; you're fucking brilliant.

|30; are engaged --> engage.

|34; any reason why you used around in 1 instance and 'round in another? dare i recommend "your inner yurt?"

|36; some kind --> a kind? i know it disrupts the symmetry, but compared to the other 2, a tree just seems too stand-alone for 'some'.

|33; were getting --> got (this poem seems to really like the verb 'to be').

|37; the first 'comic based' could use a dash.

|39; erase 'perhaps', and maybe join it to 38.

|40; 'waffle of the week' feels like it should be italicized rather than quoted.

|41; erase 'of'

stanza 11's capitalization seems chaotic. intentional? some symmetry should exist between the previous mentioning of the waffles of the week and the new mentioning. kind of wish it said 'for all time' at the end instead but w/e.

|50; dash between 'self winding'?

whew! 50 line dash done.. i enjoyed reading and crit'ing this very much, thanks for the opportunity. your poems never cease to inspire such surreal and comic-psychotic-tragic harmonics.
 — Virgil

virgil, thank you.
this is my first (real) visit to p.c. in about six months.
your edit suggestions were very much appreciated, and taken.
thank you again.
 — onklcrispy

intellectual masturbation
 — poetbill

are any of your poems any good, I mean really.  do you just come here as an excuse to write obscene unknown comments and then use them as an excuse to attack young families?  sick pervert.
 — unknown

so....you don't like it?
 — onklcrispy

I'm not sure the unknown was referring to you, onk....
 — Virgil

hmm, been awhile!

and, it's about time you returned!
; )
 — fractalcore

0.364s