poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Withdrawal (Detox cut short)

she called the police and convinced them
she was here against her will
she was here as a captive
she was here without control
only one of those three was right
and that caused the other two
to stumble from her mouth
like toddlers learning to
walk down stairs
i ran home in the rain
in my nice skirt
and lowcut shirt
that i had worn to work
for some et cetera dinner party
id now be late to
my bare feet burned holes
in the pavement, as i
held flipflops intertwined
through fingertips
i contemplated hitch hiking
every stranger driving past
gave me one less chance
of getting there
before she left
and when i finally arrived
i cant remember a word
the police said
i cant recall what
we managed in response
all i remember is watching her
with nervously flicking fingers
with pacing feet
with frantic feverish eyes
tattered hair and house shorts
now soaked from the rain
and how her eyes kept wandering
from the cop, to her car
"this is all i can do to make things right"
she stuttered under her breath
but all she had the strength to do
was make things more
wrong than before

5 Aug 03

Rated 9 (6.8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (12): 3, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(25 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


I had to read this several times (not because I didn't get it, but because I loved it). This was simply wonderful; I wouldn't change a thing. I particularly liked "my bare feet burned holes in the pavement" -such a fresh way to put it instead of the other way around. Hats off to you.
 — Ananke

line 36...man, I know that feeling. good job.
 — onklcrispy

great. you should be an editor for COPS and transform it into a beautiful show. i like the almost-rhymes, appropriate to the confusion.
 — gnormal

I am right inside the racing heart of both the withdrawee and the one trying to keep her there. I like the last three lines since you realize that this person is in a circle she can't break.
 — Isabelle5

Excellent first 2 stanzas - good dramatic structure - a little obvious at the end perhaps, maybe you don't need to spell out that which is obvious, but that may be being too fussy. Love the running back idea as well.
 — susanna15

i was about to post a criticism, but then i realized that im a nitpicker, and that its great how it is. thank you for restoring my faith in coffeehouse. (you leave for a couple months, and everything goes to hell...)
 — thinknerd

powerful- im not saying that because of the subject. The delivery was beautiful however distraught.
 — treerain