poetry critical

online poetry workshop



a poem or letter
idiotbox

D.P.S

Repeating poetic music lyres in small miss spelled letters
 1
Trying to find the already written words for how I feel about you
 2
Yet the words are not mine, not all mine
 3
“I can’t give you summer when I am winter”
 4
 
 
Slipping little bitts of paper into your back pocket
 5
Trying to express my emotions to you
 6
Words that mean more then I let on
 7
 
 
You may not know this, and you may never know this now that I waited to late to say it in my own words. Day by day I fall apart without you, without the sound of your voice in my head, and the knowing of what I lost. The most important thing in my life is now lost, because of my own insecurities, and lack of words that I could not tell you. There is nothing in my life that is more important then your happiness.
 8
 
 
These words may be now be spoken yet I waited to long
 9
They fall upon deaf ears, and a closed heart
 10
For waiting to long,
 11
Now I repeat lonely words in my head, the only place I am herd
 12
Yet another lonely day, and its mine
 13
 
 
Such a lonely day now again, the loneliest day of my life without you. And if you walk away, I will walk with you. And if you die, I will die with you. This is the loneliest day of my life. Yet again I steel words from a song words I feel, just silly little words. Words that make your day and change my life. Silly little words.
 14

14 Feb 06

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Comments:

so you write something then you decide what criticisms you want while knowing it needs some work. o jesus.

look you can improve this if you can think of creative ways of showing the futility or stupidity of language without necess repeating the same idea verbatim

jesus
 — unknown

As a letter, I'm sure that the recipient will like it fine. As a poem - no. As a poetic letter - it's not much of that. If you want help for this as a poem - do a complete rewrite and take out the "I"; it'll stop this from descending into teenage, emo whining. Fix your spelling.
 — wendz

this is lovely

don't change a thing

love the indents


not familiar with 'bitts'? is that computer jargon?

thanks

Leeanna
 — unknown

love it
 — unknown

small parts of paper thats what i mean by bitts i miss spelled it and i am going to get the write spelling soon and  i am going to work of the spelling soon the is ment to be a poem that goes into a letter and back to a poem witch you can all tell the letter part is not meant to be too poetic
 — idiotbox

I love this...

i understand the fusion of poetry, & a letter...i can tell it was written very sincerely...completely from the heart.

only thing i see that could be changed :
"Yet again, I steel words from a song...words i feel, just silly little words."

just a little more punctuation adds a deeper emotion here at the base line.

good job..love this.

**cheers**
 — notetoself

This is really nice work.  I may be bold to say this, but I think our poetry/letters are very similar.  I write poems that look like paragraphs, so be sure to check out "A love poem soaked in wine and...." as well as "Rant about lost love and the madness..."  Keep it up! I'm lovin' it.
 — OwlGirl

thanks for your comments i am going to work on this some for for the spelling
 — idiotbox

this could use work
 — unknown

any help i feel like its missing somthing
 — idiotbox

wow ummmm........................
 — unknown

have a drank on me dude hahahah
 — unknown

nice one

-Lady Shagging Godiva
 — unknown

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