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rain is the most beautiful water
wendz

one day, we will walk
 1
suncoloured boots
 2
to a place where ducks play.
 3
 
 
there, we will take off
 4
sodden raincoats
 5
and barefoot
 6
through dew laced,
 7
ice topped grass -
 8
 
 
we will float the lake
 9
and fish swim our way
 10
through reeds, swans
 11
singing to their mates
 12
and step water.
 13
 
 
our eyes will become
 14
anemones, shy fingers
 15
hold hands and
 16
when we surface,
 17
the sky grays,
 18
hails small drops down.
 19
 
 
we will fly away
 20
to the place
 21
where we are
 22
rainbow fish,
 23
still sharing scales.
 24

"i saw you standing at the gates, when marlon brando passed away"

- For Lucky my muse :o)

15 Feb 06

Rated 9.5 (8.4) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (17): 1, 2, 6, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I’m not sure what that last quote means.  Also this reads rather strangely to me.  It’s kind of choppy at parts.  And I'd hate to be a dick about this, and I could be wrong because I often am, but I'm not sure swans sing to their mates.
 — Change

jesus this is great stuff.
 — unknown

Great stuff.
 — Scotty-Boy

is there an echo in ere? lol

scotty-boy
 — unknown

How can fingers hold hands?

Last strophe loses me.  Probably my lack somehow; I'll keep thinking about it.
But even if it comes to me, I still won't like fly away.

Your word choices--walk suncoloured, barefoot, float the lake, fish swim--really make this fun to read.  Thanks.

-poppy
 — unknown

Change - the quote is a line from "Advertising Space", a song by Robbie Williams based on the death of Elvis. That particular line is memorable, because of a "Marlon Brando Incident" shared by the characters in this, which is not completely suitable for mentioning in public ;) I'm not sure swans sing to their mates, either. They're either silent or bark, I can't remember. For fluidity's sake, though, I made them sing :)

The choppiness is deliberate - think of scenes which seem non-sequitur, but when put together, gives a picture. The choppiness is intended to reflect the four dimensional aspect of this friendship.

Poppy - the anemone has fingers, and those fingers hold hands - like the way sea anemones reach out to touch each other, and look like they're holding hands. I don't like "fly away", either. The transition is still sudden - I wrote that without really thinking hard enough about word choice. Thanks for picking that up, I will meditate upon it and find a change. The last strophe is another personal joke - I once wrote something called "rainbow fish" for my friend, which the ancient PC people might remember. It was the first thing I'd ever posted and written properly, it's also the name of a picture book.

Hm. You have children, still of picture book age. If you can dig up "The Rainbow Fish" from your library, this might make more sense. It's a terrific read, anyway.

Thanks for all your comments, I appreciate them.
 — wendz

You are mistaken my dear, Marlon Brando lives on.

I say HELL YES to the title.

I say good job to the poetry.
A few things here, some that have been previously mentioned, were hard for me to accept easily enough to avoid effecting the rate in which I read it. I am also a tad bit slow today. Sorry, I know that my comments rarely consist of any usable criticism. I did enjoy the read. Good work overall.

)))appreciation(((
 — Brando_O

seems like a subliminal tale used by christians to make us keep the faith.
 — unknown

your choice of words/images is always startlinh/refreshing

there is always a hopefulness in your poetry which i adore
i notice, too al ot of oceanic/underwater refs.

i do that too!
lines 14 tothe end of time are beayootiful soop!
 — onklcrispy

your title goes to 11.

the wording sometimes seems constructed naively, but you achieve something very beautiful through it that i don't quite understand yet, but will try to get back to you.

i wouldn't change much--if you know what you're doing with the wording--stuff like step water, sky grays, hails small etc--i encourage you to revisit and maybe incorporate more of it so people know its intentional.

but maybe i'm the only one who didn't quite get it, too.

at any rate, i echo a sentiment i saw somewhere else;  you're definitely improving as you continue to write.  i like this a lot.
 — root

Line 6 - did you leave out a word?  Barefoot what?  Do what barefoot?
This could be a really good poem if you get your tenses straight.  As it is, I kept having to go back to see if I missed words.  I love the idea of this but it just does not read quite well.  Can you read it outloud and see if you see what I mean?

I want to love it, I really do!
 — Isabelle5

Hi root and Isabelle. I think that the best way to read this is to probably read the words that seem like nouns as adjectives (barefoot, for example, is supposed to show an image of two figures running barefoot through the grass). I know that a lot of this is confusing, but I intended the adjectives and nouns to be interchangable.

That was to illustrate the quality of innocence, especially in children. Sometimes, what they say do not make sense in the "real" sense of the world, but inherently, we as humans understand them on a level more sublime than what we always occupy as adults in the "real" world.

That the both of you either like it, or almost like this, indicates that in some respects, I have succeeded, but the confusion also leaves room for improvement - in reading this aloud, I noticed that the transition from lines 17 to 19 really is slightly rocky.

I'm not sure what else to do to this, but I'll come back to this when I have the same picture in my head, and the right words to suit it.

And as for you, dear Onkel, water and sea animals are lovely, aren't they?
 — wendz

First off - I love "suncoloured." I get yelled at when I try to connect words like that.
I also like "barefoot" as a verb. Clever.

The imagery is wonderful, though towards the middle of the poem I started to wonder what was going on. Are the people in the poem turning into sea life? Just a little confusing at first. The second time I read the poem, it didn't even matter if anyone was turning into pond creatures because it suddenly made sense. Or something.

I don't know about "step water." It sounds just lovely but out of all the unusual uses of language in this poem, I think it is the weakest. But I don't think the poem would be the same without it so it's up to you.

I don't think I mentioned I'm so glad to read your poems again. Glad you returned.
 — claudia

a wonderful rainy moment in my real life this sunday morning. so I follow my inclination to visit this poem and savour. It is beautiful. I admire your quirky syntax. The title is a perfect umbrella. I love the mix of fish and fowl.

This one goes on my fridge ( next to inutile's 'kitchenette madness') to be affized by a swan magnet.
 — borntodance

not sure about the closing line in italics...
nice poem
 — unknown

I like hanging out in the rain. I hated the movie singing in the rain. It promotes a dangerous life habit. There could be lightning and you could catch a cold and die. If you must sing, sing in the shower like I do. It's close enough to rain and more safe...and you could adjust the temperature which is very convenient.
Now...about this poem...um...it's okay. Could be better with a bit of revising. Work on it. Don't sleep until this is perfect. You're going to be awake for a while. 6/10
 — Henry

This just made me feel optimistic when, as of late, it's been kinda hard to feel that way.  It's just all the bullshit in the world, that's all.  Thankyou for that.  
 — starr

I like to see of rainbow fish again, even if it's older. It's thundering rain here now, so it's nice to read this. Like comfort food for the mind.

I'd even like to see them again someday. Write one for me.
 — dandy

I reposted "Rainbow Fish", with slight edits. And one for you, Dandy dear :)
 — wendz

Instant favorite!--So young in the way it flows through my head, but gives me thought the way an old, old memory does...So what if swans might not really sing? They look like they should. Love the playing with nouns/verbs/adjectives; refreshing usage. "Step water"-*smile* made me think of the way ducks feet paddle under the water when you see them on, say, Discovery channel programs. Is that what you meant? Even if it wasn't,  I still like that image for this poem, *laugh*.  I remember "Rainbow Fish," it too was a favy. It's been a long time since I've been on here, and this popped up on Random...how lucky I am! How wonderful a poem!
 — gem_grrrl

gem_grrrl - I'm glad you liked the image of ducks trying to stay afloat. That's exactly the image I had in mind. It's the understanding that makes me want to keep sharing what I write, thank you for your comment :)
 — wendz

This would be stronger for me if the voice was more active, less “poetic.” Consider:

let’s walk suncoloured boots
to a place where ducks play.
  
we’ll take off sodden
raincoats and barefoot
through ice topped grass.

we’lll float the lake
and fish our way
through reeds--swans
singing to their mates
in step water.

our eyes become
anemones, shy fingers
hold hands and when we
surface, the sky grays,
hails small drops down.

we’ll fly away to the place
where we are
rainbow fish, still
sharing scales.
 — Rixes

this is said well, and sometimes naively awkward, but so's marvell when he's working. there's a little too much self-conscious tucking of the shirt-tail... like, "rainbow fish, still sharing scales" -- which is maybe verbally a let-down after some nice word pasta and smiles. anything else smoothes out on the second reading.

swan's totally sing, and sing a swan-song for an exit; and ducks... well, ducks are cute as hell.

nice read.

mike
 — joey

fave-saved
 — fractalcore

stepped lightly into Natures way, that within this wondrous word play, your Poetry smiles so whimsically and sings sweet musicality... there are many reflections here in which I muse and linger ...

a wondrous write with your singular wit writ in it ...
 — AlchemiA

yeah it's okay
14-19 is kinda all screwed up
 — chuckle_s

lovely
 — nisetru

nice poem.
 — hank

well written halmark card
 — unknown

our eyes will become anemones.

woooh
 — CrudeEcstasy

just revisiting.

...beautiful...
: )
 — fractalcore

I love how you broke up your lines. Each line is a little tiny vignette. The imagery is beautiful. I feel like this could be something someone reads to their children, and it's all colorfully illustrated on oversized pages. Great job!
 — Rynne

Thanks for the comments, guys. I like Hallmark cards. Rynne, I'm glad you got that giant picture book feeling - I think I'll turn this into a picture book and illustrate it :)
 — wendz

I love the way you  have used language here, it works, lines 17 - 19 work particularly well. Very well considered use  of how to use language to inspire the poem. Lovley.
 — crimsonkiss

revisiting again.
: )
 — fractalcore

cool chick
 — frog

again
 — frog

oh oh ohhhhhhhhhh my kind of poem.

happy days are here to stay

Fueioneines
 — funes

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