poetry critical

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open up the sky. (HOUSEPOPPY EDITION)

horizontal dissonance—  
in daylight  
nightlife splayed out  
in spotlight  
to be read  
with lament for all  
those forgotten  
a cadence onward  
noiseless breath exhales  
(fails) to wait and wonder
why not simply  
crease and float downward
spiraling after?

edited by: poppy and maria.

15 Feb 06

Rated 6 (8) by 1 users.
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Beautiful words by midare.  ? at end of 22?
 — housepoppy

good catch (yet again.)
 — midare

wonderful spinning feeling I get from that, the exquisite-ness of language, onklcrispy is right when he says there are so many ways to write something, so many words, so many meanings ... you seem to have layed your words down in this poem very carefully, tenderly

I would do away with the period at the end of the title, just personal reference
and yes, the question mark at the end of 22, was it a question mark to begin with?
very effective line breaks.

I love what you do with language, midare, always have been amazed
thank you
 — slancho

Yes the speaker in the poem is experiencing something-- a floating, vaporous emotion.  But the poet has not taken the reader into her confidence.  It is impossible to feel what she feels because the experience is not grounded in common images.  The reader is left to ask where, when, what.  I can tell that you are emotional but I cannot see, hear or touch that which has transported you. L14 contains the only concrete phrasing. The rest is intriguing but vague.
 — mcverse

Hey. this is very Ellioty.. and very good.
 — gingerdave