poetry critical

online poetry workshop



"sorry"
topop

liquid gold,
 1
poured onto the back of mountain.
 2
 
 
i love you.
 3
and you're "sorry"?
 4
"sorry"?!
 5
ah fuck it.
 6
 
 
the candy-blue canvas of a darkening sky
 7
swirling with clouds
 8
like marmalade...
 9
i mean marble
 10
(i love marmalade, the orange kind).
 11
 
 
and still, when i stare into your eyes
 12
i wish i was back to the place, where i still had just a little hope,
 13
just a little grain of that possiblity...
 14
that maybe we could sit under a tree, and kiss your hair,
 15
before you said "sorry"
 16
 
 
only 16 years old, but feel fifty.
 17
maybe some red wine and norah jones for the mood?
 18
sitting on the deck of that Aspen summer home,
 19
wearing a six hundred dollar fleece
 20
that no one knows you own.
 21
staring over that ever-darkening sky of yours.
 22
 
 
if ever, you want MY love? --
 23
or if I could ever go back
 24
to that anticipation,
 25
that "maybe" feeling?
 26
i'm sorry, but i love you.
 27
 
 
Yours forever,
 28
 
 
Hearts and Akward Smiles :-)
 29

21 Feb 06

Rated 8 (7.7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 8, 8

(define the words in this poem)
(46 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

You rhyme and then you don't. I like it, it reads like a letter, but in reality this is a poem. Maybe, this poem would read genius if the title is "On Scented Paper". I like imagery when you talk about marmalade, the orange kind, and marbles like you are describing the texture of the paper you are writing on to this person. keep writing.
 — manishas

this is very good, i love lines 20 to 22 especially.
 — Kauf

My poems. ^.^ So far, I am safe from his comments.
 — fallinforyou

I retract the previous comment.
 — fallinforyou

I think that if you're going to rhyme then you have be consistent with it through out your piece. I really like this poem, the speaker is honest without being self-pitying. L7-11 are very descriptive and humorous and in L17-22  the imagery is sharp and fresh. Great read and good luck with your writing.
 — redsky

this is pretty interesting..loved L17-22, i love it when the words just flow like honey, great job.
 — jenakajoffer

0.385s