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Forgiven
likeavirus

Last night I dreamt of pain
 1
Physical, emotional,
 2
Spiritual.
 3
 
 
I stepped out from the shower
 4
Onto shaking legs
 5
And sunk to the tiles below.
 6
 
 
Red flesh was burning.
 7
 
 
They swarmed me.
 8
Hundreds- no, thousands-
 9
Of ((invisible)) bugs…
 10
 
 
Scratching, biting, yearning
 11
To get in.
 12
 
 
Like my fingernails clawing
 13
Across his tightly stretched skin.
 14
 
 
Kicking, screaming,
 15
Ripping my hair…
 16
Can anyone hear me?
 17
Does anyone care?
 18
 
 
I surrendered.
 19
I had no choice.
 20
They had no pity
 21
And I had
 22
No
 23
Voice.
 24

I don't like this much, but there are certain lines that I do like a lot.  I would love some suggestions on how to pull it together and polish it into something better.  Thanks.

24 Feb 06

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (2): 7, 8, 9

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Comments:

I like all of it, save the last stanza - it's good, but I prefer (when I read it) to end on 'Voice'.

Nice..
 — CervusWright

Line 12: To get in or out?
Oh how I wish I didn't perfectly understand you.
 — rainn

Cervus: Thanks for the suggestion!  I took out the last stanza.  I hadn't even thought about it, but it does sound better without it.  Ah..how I love this site.

Rainn: yearning to get in.  The bugs are on the outside.  They're yearning to get in.  I suppose I'm the one yearning to get out.

Thanks guys.
 — likeavirus

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