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The Great Wave
topop

Why must our souls be forfeited to the intense world of
 1
   people
 2
and
 3
   music
 4
and
 5
   wall street
 6
and
 7
   lovers?
 8
 
 
Why must we dismiss that from our thoughts only which we find normal, like
 9
   the weather
 10
and
 11
   our apartments
 12
and
 13
   pizza toppings
 14
and
 15
   magazines?
 16
 
 
What if our conscience allowed us to express everything!, in
 17
   art
 18
and
 19
   word
 20
and
 21
   emotion
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and
 23
   love?
 24
 
 
What if we took ourselves,  composed of
 25
   beauty
 26
and
 27
   creativity
 28
and
 29
   magic
 30
and
 31
   love?
 32
and swirled us into a small jar,
 33
the type you catch fire-flys in,
 34
and kept it on a shelf?
 35
 
 
And someday spilled the jar into the sea.
 36
And waited.  
 37
For a giant wave, made of us.
 38
To see the beauty of our differences splash upon the shore.
 39
And sink into the sand.
 40
And allow ourselves to be.
 41

7 Mar 06

Rated 8 (8.7) by 1 users.
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(define the words in this poem)
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Comments:

Interesting notions. Somehow, I envision a denser format working better for this poem. It's light and lovely as is, but must it be so light? Afterall, we end up sinking. ( I don't entirely agree with myself. I'm ruminating) I don't think you need to enlose "be"-- let it be free. I like the stumble on forefit ( as I immediately thought of frorfeit). I'm not on top of things, but I will revisit and be coherent.

I appreciate this poem greatly. Thanks, Grace
 — unknown

forfeit ( apologies)
 — unknown

thanks for the comment, it was really helpful. i took "be" out of the quotes, but i still feel like it needs to stand out somehow... do you think i should put it alone on the next line? I agree with the density, but right now i like how each of the words that is indented stands out. i could put it all onto one line, but then it wouldnt really stand out... any suggestions? also, i think that less dense poems look more inviting to read when there are tons of poems to go through.
im glad you enjoyed it!
 — topop

Yes, of course. The format is a smart choice. Reader-friendly. ( But betweeen you and me I'm reading it boxed densely because that is how it moves for me). I like your final be the way it is. It catches all my attention, but it's your poem, so if you want to highlight it more, I can appreciate that. I'm a question-person, and you pose some strong ones here. I love the content.

Grace
 — borntodance

L17 - the comma after the ! looks awkward.  Maybe just capitalize In.  
I love this.  This is great.
 — fallinforyou

I've commented on this before.  It's still good.
 — CervusWright

oooh, this is brilliant.
 — inutile

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