poetry critical

online poetry workshop



There's a place between moonshine and sunrays that makes everything seem beautiful.
MissMay

She brushed star dust over his eyelids when he slept;
 1
sometimes his eyeballs twitched and she watched carefully,
 2
timing the seconds between each flutter.
 3
In the morning, she mixed it in the salt shaker before a breakfast of burnt toast and runny eggs was served;
 4
Afterwards, elbow deep in a pile of not so good china;
 5
She watched while he rolled thick blunts for the rest of the day,
 6
and tallied the amount of times he ran his tongue over the damp leaf
 7
on each of her fingers.
 8
By lunch time, she was in the passenger seat of his car;
 9
She coated the inside of her mouth in the sacred star dust
 10
And then, almost instinctively, kissed him hard with tongue,
 11
forcing the now, wet dust down his throat.
 12
She stared, fairly emotionless towards the door he half hung out of and the shack he was about to make a stop at.
 13
She tasted the number of times he came back for one last kiss,
 14
on the enamel of every tooth and tastebud.
 15
When the sun set and the stars started to twinkle in the navy blue sky,
 16
she sat alone with a bucket.
 17
She lay back and opened her eyes wide and let the night engluf her,
 18
It counted every time she captured their dust in the container she set aside her.
 19
Every night she rose from the damp ground and twirled her fingers in the starshine.
 20
It lapped up each moment she spent watching, frozen in a place where time and existance was banished.
 21
Only the fine glittery powder and he could put her in that place
 22
the perfect mix of fantasy and anatomy.
 23
Before dawn came, she walked heal-toe on the hard ground back to the place where he lay.
 24
She brushed star dust over his eyelids when he slept;
 25
sometimes his eyeballs twitched and she watched carefully,
 26
timing the seconds between each flutter.
 27

7 Mar 06


(define the words in this poem)
(5 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

beautiful start and ending, lovely imagery throughout, but too much repetition of the word "she"
 — inutile

by line 4. all sense of what "it" is. is lost
actually, throughout the subject is very ephereal.

very very very wordy.
not to my taste bloated prose.

i do like the eyeball twitch. though.

not-scored.
 — kaleidazcope

L24 -- heal should be heel
 — unknown

manda;
i love this and i love you.

x,
tori
 — comicalLUST

why the comma in line 12?
 — inutile

What poetic devices have been used here and why?
 — Meep

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