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Before A(nother) Funeral
jerotich

In a woman’s world of flower pots
 1
doilies, pink, and gilded leaves,
 2
I want to break an antique vase
 3
see it clatter, crash, and bleed
 4
and endure no doting relative’s
 5
rush to wipe away the deed.
 6
 
 
I want to bolt barefoot and feral
 7
down icy country roads;
 8
let the grounding roots of pain twist up
 9
inside my ankle bones;
 10
feel the vapor turn to brittle frost
 11
inside my rose-bud nose.
 12
 
 
I want to rake together scraps
 13
of forgotten songs and years,
 14
heritage of misheard sorrows,
 15
legacy of unseen tears.
 16
Let kosher thoughts and sentiments
 17
yield, for once, to the sincere.
 18
 
 
I’d grab my own shovel and heave
 19
into bleak winter grass;
 20
smear through this dreary interlude
 21
of mortal loneliness;
 22
and tip two meters back and wait
 23
for sweet unrestlessness
 24

8 Mar 06

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Comments:

I have a fear of teacups.
 — Meep

... I hate funerals... Ive been to to many that were of people close to me.. Keep writeing I'll make more coments...
 — Hidden_words

very nicely written. it's good.
 — livedeeply

I'm most interested in learning how to effectively use meter and rhyme.  My past attempts at rhyming have mostly come across as sing songy and childish.  This is my first serious attempt at following some sort of form in quite a while.  Advice and critique on the rhythm would be highly appreciated.
 — jerotich

I liked this very much.  "barefoot and feral down icy country roads" - marvellous. :)
 — CervusWright

Thank you for reading and commenting hiddenwords, livedeeply, cervus, and even meep (though I'm not sure what you said...)
 — jerotich

two things really stick out to me here about your metre and rhyme.

first, i'm not sure if you're rhyme scheme is complimenting the metre at all. you have to let the metre and rhyme work together to get a good flow through the piece and you have both of them working against each other.

first, let me look at the metre.

there are words you use, although metrically correct, that the mouth stumbles over when reading aloud. for example:

In a woman’s world of flower pots  1
doilies, pink, and gilded leaves,  2
I want to break an antique vase  3
watch it clatter, crash, and bleed  4
and endure no doting relative’s  5
rush to wipe away the deed.  6

at first i couldn't really pinpoint what in those lines was throwing me off so much, but then i realized it was all the heavy consonants you're swuishing into that line. watch it. 'tch it' is a pain in the ass; messing around there and using a different word will help you out some.

there are other consonant-heavy words here you have working against you, or just awkward ones.

the last stanza feels very long and awkward because of the same consonant-heavy words. dreary interlude, mortal loneliness etc.

also, a colon at the end of L14 would work better than a comma and you're missing a period at the end of line 24.

you've picked a very abstract rhyme scheme and i'm not sure why? abcbdb, or something like that. believe me when i say, the simpler the better. have you ever read gnormal's 'here we go'? i believe it's still wandering around the top rated list somewhere if you have a look. it's a really good example pf how simple rhyme schemes, internal/slant rhymes, and metre can work together for you.
 — youthculture

thank you yc, that is exactly the type of feedback I was looking for.  You've given me a lot to think about and rework.
 — jerotich

This is quite original.
 — unknown

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