poetry critical

online poetry workshop



A State of Modern Living
Brandxxx

to live life
 1
in an emotional state,
 2
is to strafe across
 3
a mine field
 4
closer to the ocean
 5
than you think.
 6
if you don't explode
 7
you'll surely drown.
 8
we're a feast for lions,
 9
in our solemn march
 10
through humanities filthy
 11
corridors,
 12
feeling
 13
as we are
 14
we were doomed
 15
before we started.
 16

17 Aug 03

Rated 4 (4.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 1, 4, 5, 6

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(15 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

i suggest you cut out lines 13-16 and continue on with what you had in lines 1-12... i feel as though you got tired and just decided to end it with the last 4 lines....i'm tempted to do the same thing sometimes...but when it happens i just stop and come back to it...but if this is ur complete thought...disregard me
 — unknown

damn i never thought of that but your right that looks a lot smoother to me. thank you for the suggestion
 — unknown

I disagree. I think you need the entire thing. It's a rather gloomy bit of poetry but it gets the point across. Hopefully, you were just having a gloomy day.
 — Isabelle5

crap!!!!
 — unknown

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