poetry critical

online poetry workshop

A State of Modern Living

to live life
in an emotional state,
is to strafe across
a mine field
closer to the ocean
than you think.
if you don't explode
you'll surely drown.
we're a feast for lions,
in our solemn march
through humanities filthy
as we are
we were doomed
before we started.

17 Aug 03

Rated 4 (4.5) by 1 users.
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i suggest you cut out lines 13-16 and continue on with what you had in lines 1-12... i feel as though you got tired and just decided to end it with the last 4 lines....i'm tempted to do the same thing sometimes...but when it happens i just stop and come back to it...but if this is ur complete thought...disregard me
 — unknown

damn i never thought of that but your right that looks a lot smoother to me. thank you for the suggestion
 — unknown

I disagree. I think you need the entire thing. It's a rather gloomy bit of poetry but it gets the point across. Hopefully, you were just having a gloomy day.
 — Isabelle5

 — unknown