poetry critical

online poetry workshop



only i can have karma in my dreams
bear

i had a dream where
 1
i was wielding a sawn
 2
off shot gun.
 3
i pointed it at a man
 4
and said,
 5
 
 
"i know you are
 6
wearing a vest,
 7
but lets see if this
 8
shot gun can knock
 9
you on your ass."
 10
 
 
then my dream changed
 11
settings and i was in a different
 12
place and a different time
 13
 
 
i got jumped by five men and they
 14
beat the living shit out of me.
 15
 
 
i then woke up,
 16
found a baseball bat
 17
and jumped a man
 18
and broke his knee caps.
 19
 
 
after i was 8 dollars
 20
and seventy-three cents
 21
richer my neighbor's dog,
 22
snowball, bit off my left testicle.
 23
 
 
my only thought was:
 24
 
 
i should have taken psychology.
 25

9 Mar 06

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Comments:

This is not poetic at all.  It sounds like you'd be telling it to me over fast food...if you get my drift.
 — unknown

urm, yea i guess i do get your drift. so is this one of those things i should just delete and rewrite it?
 — bear

entertaining
 — starwars

line 10 doesn't make sense.
 — aesthetic

take the the are out of line 10....its a fun one....i like it, its edgy and short....although not exactly high art.....good stuff lil bro.

~sister bear
 — unknown

i made the change. thanks.
 — bear

I like it but I would have peffered some flow in it and maybe an effort at rhyme.
 — gingerdave

this made me chuckle, probably because i'm taking psychology.
 — yrrockstar

thank you
 — bear

hahahaah
this made me laugh

not poetic though
 — nicolecote

I admire your use of expression in which words have been concentrated blending sound and imagery to create an emotional response.
 — Meep

thanks nicolecote, i try.

Thanks Meep! if i didn't know better i'd say you were calling this poetry.
 — bear

SAWN off, SAWN off, SAWN OFF!

I love.
 — wendz

thanks wendz, made the change
 — bear

so who's the mother fucker that gave me a one?
 — bear

i like this.
 — Anna-Erb

im glad u like this
 — bear

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