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the trips we did and didn't take
slancho

mid-evening dreams
 1
catch the wrecked silence
 2
of broken oaths,
 3
the trade of split ends  
 4
and half-truths  
 5
settles the abuse  
 6
of a day's generosity:
 7
your kindness
 8
bestowed with unflinching regularity
 9
over tea
 10
pauses
 11
your breath catches a woman’s hair,
 12
hot and drenched,
 13
the wanting persists
 14
 
 
over me  
 15
it is raining,
 16
I
 17
a sunken flutter
 18

16 Mar 06

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Comments:

"the wrecked silence/of broken oaths" - fantastic
"also" - weaker, awkward transition - omit?
"over tea/paused/your breath" - excellent decision making on where to split the lines.  Very effective

Gorgeous - some may say choppy, but I think it was appropriate for the theme.
 — WordsAndMe

I'm sorry but I really like the title.  The rest is good too, particularly lines 20 to 22 because they explain the earlier more descriptive language.
 — Kauf

      The first 12 lines are a mass of vague abstractions.  Things pick up as you get around to an actual storyline starting with L13, but then the linebreaks fall apart.  Lengthen your lines, ending them on words that you want to highlight.
 — drawniloc

Thank you WordsAndMe, you have read me well.  The format is, indeed, necessary to communicate the content, it is as important as the content.  I will make the chages you suggest, good eye.  Kauf, no need to apologize for liking the title, I like it as well.

drawniloc, thank you for engaging, I appreciate your input, but I will have to stick with the first 12 lines the same way I will stick with the rest of the poem.  If you read the poem with regard for the punctuation, then you might be less bothered by the short lines - they are there to communicate abruptness, stuttering ... but I have also tried not to be overly abstract.  Read again and tell me what you think
Thanks all
Maria
 — slancho

slancho:

     I have, as you requested, re-read the poem and my view remains unchanged.  If you are interested in learning how to write effective linebreaks you might check out this article:

http://w ww.poets.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=2198

     There are also a number of instructive threads on the subject in PFFA's "Blurbs of Wisdom" section.

     Good luck with your writing.
 — drawniloc

ZAPPED!
 — onklcrispy

thanks, oncle, I am off to have some crispy crunch now ... feeling loved
Maria
 — slancho

slancho always seems like she is getting into trouble with naughty boys
 — unknown

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