| You Left It Up to Me - Revised
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Isabelle5
| Chapel windows glittered in the moon’s | 1 |
cold stained-glass smile, reflecting | 2 |
small rainbows from the diamond you | 3 |
slid confidently onto my finger. | 4 |
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The steeple was visible behind you | 5 |
from where I sat on the bench and | 6 |
I almost missed what you were saying | 7 |
as you knelt before me; | 8 |
the illusion of an iron cross growing | 9 |
from your head was too compelling. | 10 |
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The words “I love you” | 11 |
floated softly on the night air, | 12 |
reaching my ears a heartbeat too late | 13 |
for me to stifle a round of giggles. | 14 |
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You looked shocked and offended, | 15 |
even after I tried to explain that | 16 |
it was only a trick of the Light. | 17 |
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"Is that a Yes?" you asked. | 18 |
I smiled and said nothing, | 19 |
watching my finger shoot | 20 |
rainbows into the night. | 21 |
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28 Mar 06 |
Rated 9 (8.3) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (7): 1, 6, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(274 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I really like the capitalization of "Light" in line 12. Not too thrilled with the last two lines though. It just, I dunno. I can't really think of any reason why I don't like them. -Scratches head-
— the_recluse
Oh, sorry! I love those two lines. But of course, I'm seeing the picture in my head so I know what I was trying to convey. Light hitting chapel windows at night, moon and star light, etc., which is more info than some people are going to appreciate.
— Isabelle5
Isabelle, just a quick note because I have to dash ( or do I have to hyphen). Please rework " cross sticking out of your neck." That's unnecessarily awkward.
I will revisit shortly to comment further. Grace
— borntodance
I'll think about how to reword that. I know what I was thinking, a shadow cross that seemed to be attached to the shadow head, but I'll think more. Thank you.
— Isabelle5
i don't think it's awkward at all. the words you used are the best ones you could have, in my opinion. i would have suggested you change "sight" to "view", but since you have already used the word "visible in your poem, i would have then suggested you say "image", but it's more than an image, it's a sight. so it should stay how it is worded.
line 6 - again with the comma. you liked it better withut in a previous poem, perhaps you feel the same here, no? (and also you don't have one in line 13)
"drifted" is such an overused word. it works well, but perhaps another word could work even better. what about "floated" or "travelled"?
lines 13-16 - are written unemotively (is that a word?) and aren't as good as the rest of the poem.
line 18 - change comma to "and"
sorry, i agree with the_recluse with the last lines. i know you like them, but the poem might not. why not recycle them and stash them away to use in a future poem?
— inutile
I disagree with the_recluse, I love the last two lines - they pull the poem to a nice close. I think lines 4 & 5 work fine b/c of the word choice of the poem - i dont see it as at all awkward.
Overall, extremely enjoyed - like all of your work. Honestly Isabelle, you are by far my favorite author on this site (1/2 my favorite's list is your work!) I was wondering - have you been published? If not, I strongly reccomend looking into it, if you have any interest, of course. You have a fantastic talent I not only envy but absolutely love. :) Well done.
— WordsAndMe
Thank you so much for all the comments, Poet Friends. I'm going to work on this more. Lots of good suggestions. Wordsandme, you made my morning. My only phrase so far seems to be "GD it!" I'm having a bad hair, bad clothes, bad face, bad mood day so far and your sweet comments helped snap me out of it.
Never been published except in a Poetry magazine in high school and since I was on its board, they HAD to print one of mine, which I have lost along my travels. I would love to be published and perhaps when I have the talent and the will to do so, I'll work on it. hahaha
— Isabelle5
:) I hear marvelous things about Author's House Publishing... :)
— WordsAndMe
Took suggestions, made some changes. Thanks to all readers and helpers. Imc
— Isabelle5
Isabelle, I really like your edit. I think it would be perfect to finish on line 16. However, I've already read the comments, and I see there are those who would be disappointed. On a final nore, I know that you are your own best editor. Pensive & playful. ( 9 )
Grace
— borntodance
Thank you, Grace! I try to edit hard before I post so that there is not much to change. I love it when I'm challenged. (not always but sometimes!)
— Isabelle5
I do like how you reworked the part about the iron cross. It makes it all a lot clearer, although I still think that there is room for improvement. I know exactly what you mean now that you've explained it, but I fear that if you worked in any explanation it would ruin this piece. Maybe the abstraction of that line can work to your advantage.
I agree with Grace that it would be better to end this on line 16. Or maybe 19 if you changed the hyphen to a period.
— the_recluse
I think taking the ending and making it the beginning helped a lot. Also, explaining what was happening (it was there in my head the whole time) makes it cleaner.
Not sure if the title fits anymore but I'm letting it sit awhile and percolate.
Thank you all for the help and encouragement.
— Isabelle5
Even more lovely with the revision. Loved (9).
— WordsAndMe
(stands from computer chair and claps)
A fine job, This love is so beautiful, this poem is great.
I have a hard time accepting that I will start writing love poems now, or the lack of a loved one, due to recent events, but since I have accepted that, I hope that my poems on the subject will turn out as wonderfully as yours did.
While I read this poem over and over again, I will think of some suggestions for you, if you are interested.
-Drew
P.S. Check your email.
P.S.S. (this will be funnier after you read it.) I am sorry for not checking my e-mail. haha -(you will get this when you read your email.)
— Him
i really love this it paints a great picture, with humour too. i can see the scene in my head...great
— timbosys
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