poetry critical

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A Green Unto Her Own
FrChris

Her eyes like moss are moist and soft
 1
and greener than an evergreen.
 2
So green indeed it makes these seem
 3
as though instead they're everbrowns.
 4
Their shade's more rare than condor down,
 5
and rarer still than hippogryphs.
 6
So scarce their hue it can't be viewed
 7
on algae laden sunken skiffs,
 8
or emerald lodes,
 9
or kakapos
 10
or shamrock groves
 11
where aphids rove,
 12
or even in
 13
an artist's trove
 14
of colors he's contrived.
 15
This tone's unseen in all things green
 16
except of course her eyes.
 17

7 Apr 06

Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7, 9
Inactive (12): 1, 2, 7, 7, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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(4 more poems by this author)

(2 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

hmm, I don't know what to say. I will ponder
 — flaminhot

yes dude maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

you dude rock

a real maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan wordsmit are youz

lovely maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan


wish i cuold be doin dis sort of ding to words maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

but some of us pale maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

some of us dudes jus be a palin maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

rafter
 — unknown

I love this.. I don't usually go for 'you' or 'your' type poems but this is outstanding.
 — gingerdave

uhu.... i like this, nice imagery... and how green were her eyes again?
 — majan

Her eyes aren't even that green naturally, until light is directed upon them. She demanded that I wrote her a poem, and so I did...and then she proceeded to ask, Why didn't you buy me anything else?...*sighs*
 — FrChris

Now...I already gave her the poem, but I'm not tottally satisfied yet. Does anyone have any further suggestions for the poem? Sorry to bump it to the top...I've been commented on many poems lately though!
 — MrChris

if you had written this for me, i'd love you for it...it's so romantic and sweet, i love it, although i do not know what a kakapos is, and i'm too lazy to look it up, hehe. thanks for this endearing read.
 — jenakajoffer

I hope this is supposed to be funny because it is.  
 — Isabelle5

greenly gorgeous indeed. only one suggestion: greenish (l12/2nd to last wd) detracts from the green, mehs the green-ness of this girl's eyes. As one with green-eyes, I would propose:

Possess this startling jewel green tone.

fun poem!
 — borntodance

i like this. it's good.
 — listen

Ah...a kakapo is a green, rare parrot. Very attractive bird.

And I see a problem with "greenish" too. I need to work on this especially. Hmm...I will definitely consider your suggestion though. Thank you.  Thank you all for your suggestions. I'm glad you guys liked it at least. Thank you!
 — MrChris

that is alot of "or's". Otherwise OK poem. good rhyme
 — unknown

Would verid work well in place of "greenish"? Verid or verdant? Greenish is an akward word I think...what word do you think would fit? Startling jewel green isn't too bad either actually. It fits the meter nicely.
 — MrChris

"Possess this viridescent tone" sounds gentle and soft, but you'd have to omit "gorgeous" in the sentence..."verid"sounds extremely sterile and harsh which doesn't jive with the smooth descriptions in the poem.  But, since "gorgeous" is a great word here, maybe using an actual shade of green like emerald/olive/seaside/spearmint, whatever would work with it.  However, now that I'm re-reading again, I also think that since you mention "all things green" in L11, you don't necessarily need to use a green word in the last line at all.  "of all things green her eyes alone, endue this gorgeous mystic tone"...just thoughts.  I still love this poem the way it is, but I agree somewhat with a slight change in the end.  Thanks!
 — jenakajoffer

That's actually a great suggestion. Thank you Jenakajoffer! I will definitely consider that! Thanks a lot! Seriously!
 — MrChris

Your so welcome MrChris, I'm happy that helped!  All the best,
Jen
(jenakajoffer)
 — unknown

Also, I really like all the "or"s in the poem, replying to the unknown who didn't favour this, frankly I love the repetiiton.
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

I love a dead body: when the eyes turn moist and green and soft. You can put your through eyes like that, dig into the brain behind, and find out what he's really thinking.
 — DianaTrees

I see it's been a while since anyone has commented on this poem, and I wanted to see it up there again incase someone needed a warm smile.  Still love it.
 — jenakajoffer

Starts well then seems to get lost
 — larrylark

I never noticed that FrChris and MrChris are the same person...is that for real?  It got me pretty confused.  Did you have more than one account at some point?
Anyway, I see you haven't made any changes to the last line of this poem.  I had this poem stuck to my mind a couple days ago, which must say something considering I hadn't read it in a long time.  
Still wish for revision in L12 though,
but still a favourite.
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

I edited this a little bit...I think it's better now. Let me know how this version is.
 — MrChris

Hi,
Well, hard to say...I like it somewhat BUT,
there is an absence of softness now I think.
L15, typo "contrived", and I'm not too hot on this word anyway,
or the line at all for that matter. But I like the idea of an artist's palette, but htat
I think I like the other ending better to be quite honest, although I do like your nes last 2 lines, but not what leads up to it?  Know what I mean?
I still like what we were talkin about way back when.
Jen
 — jenakajoffer

Hmm...back to the drawing board. Thanks Jenakajoffer. I'll see what I can do. The idea of there being an artist that can't even make the color was something I wanted in the poem originally...so I'll see what I can do.

The original ending by the way, for those that don't know, is :

or shamrock groves
on limestone cliffs.
Of all things green, her eyes alone
possess this gorgeous, greenish tone.
 — FrChris

love the colorful waves of this piece....not so fond of the forced meter.

green is my favorite
 — Estrella

*winces* Oh dear...forced meter now too...I really need to go back to the drawing board. I didn't think it had that, but it probably does. Oh, dear.
 — FrChris

Well...I have to go to work...I'll be thinking about this all day...hmm...what to do...please...suggestions would be appreciated.
 — FrChris

"except of course, her eyes"... just  a thought--it seemed to flow better that way.
check out "cliffs of green" by Johnny Cash.  It is his take on the trip he took to Scotland years ago.  This was his heritage--Scottish.  He performed this song with his daughter Roseanne on a documentary about Appalaicha.  (PBS)
 — aforbing

Hello again,
I have a few suggestions if you don't mind.
L3: "so green indeed it makes "them" seem...
L5: "more rare" actually reminds me of a steak.
Could you say "a shade "as rare" as condor down?
I'm enjoying L14,15 now that I've read it several times, I'm used to it now.  Nice!
L16: "This tone's unseen" kinda bugs me...."A tone unseen" is cooler, like green, haha.
Well gee, you still rock for this poem.
Hope I haven't bugged you with all my comments here,
oh, please, call me Jen...my username bugs me =-)
 — jenakajoffer

hi again, still love it.
 — jenakajoffer

read this poem again, so glad i faved it.
it's so lovely.
 — jenakajoffer

just a wee bump for St. Paddy's, Henri
 — jenakajoffer

Line 4, with all of the other EXCELLENT color-imagery you've come up with, the "evergreen" is trite and somehow not GREEN enough.  Since you use 'everbrown', drop the evergreen and think of another word for green there.  Maybe even Verde or anything except the plain-old boring "evergreen".  It's not needed.
Other than that, this is vivid and FABULOUS! ~forbster
 — aforbing

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