poetry critical

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parallel universe (when you talk you sing)

all you say is song
as every plant is tea
in hunger all that moves is food
and every meal free
everything is made from
letters of dark green
hold our world together
each sentence is a seam
a seeping twist of dna
i snort into my eye
reality a pitchspork
my brain
a little pie
gods poke it all from nothing
cough a billion seeds
shouts and pouts
from sprouts and snouts
i love this hill of beans
im afraid to finish this
a poem too big for me
a little boy has held his breath
since he was seventeen
and his kiss can swirl
the lines on a leaf
can read the sines on the green
so perfectly his mention makes
the awkward
                  to the sex scene
a bird in my hand
teething im envoured
bubbles sizzle and im gland
im melting
a girl in a car
is melting
the jam in the jar
so slick your cat tongue
up my nose
nuzzle my salty chin
feel me bite right off your lip
each sibilant you let slip
ravish you with fingerpens
i write you on your skin
i spell across your paper back
a name for every grin
stole your worlds from under your breath
threw them right over my need
and you just smile up at me
holy sweet bred tart of greed
i spunk the brightest lines from you
questions so read with life
to smell the air they burned across
cuts nothings
like a knife
sights and sounds are questions
shrieking like a star
who knows who and who
who knows what we are
any words that wallow in
my whole throat i swallow
so what
is this about
wait i have to get this in so
i can get it out
  the joosy diamonds i
savory syllables spiral
  slurp from your lips
up from your pink basque tongue
  ive buzzyeyed smeared them
hngry 4 yr lttl vwls
  all over your hips
i sckd out evry1
our teeth touched
     when you stole my air
          my pen
and so we sit
     still dumb and stare
and i hear nothing
     its hum and glare
just then
your bird squirts giggles
down my throat
and plugs my fleshy pigears
with your squirming note
we’re rinsed before we wash together
a-sighing sea-o-two
breathing in whole blanks
we roll right down
the window
squished across your smile
my eyes are full of tea
now sounds themselves
are names i hear
i know
them they
knew me
every plant
that grows is tea
when you speak
you sing to me
was lost
but now
youre sound
was blind
but now
iced tea
this afternoon i know i heard
dharshini david wink at me

23 Apr 06

Rated 10 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8, 10
Inactive (4): 8, 9, 10

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i don't get it. but it sounds great. its funny in a good way. you keep the sound straight through the poem. never falters.
 — listen

 — borntodance

when you type, I wing
 — borntodance

ah, yes.

There is the odd clumsy note here and there ... But as a whole, this sings beauty. I love it.

pitchspork -- good word, hard to read.

line 5 -- ends in mid-thought

by lilne 24, you've picked up the rhythm and run like hell.
 — alicedark

This is so intriguing. I like the breaks, it flows so nicely, ,like an overturning bucket

 — unknown

b ump
 — unknown

bumps are like farts, embarrassing
 — borntodance

I miss punctuation, but although my eyes hurt a little bit, the internal drive and rhyme pulled me in. I really enjoy "every plant that grows is tea," and how you carry that through to appreciating everything about the lover.
 — leukothea

Line 11 - pitch pork or pitchfork?  This is interesting but then it gets too long.  Lines 3-4 are very good lines!  

Punctuation is a kindness to the reader.
 — Isabelle5

it's not supposed to be about loving another person per se.
 — unknown

Yay!! Something to dance to.
-Nerv a
 — unknown

don't know much 'bout poesy,  but you should get your ears checked,yo, she was winkin' at me.
 — unknown

remove right line 48 to correct the detracting inversion, and you're gold

 — unknown

thank you. i consider this one of my best and favorites.
 — unknown

love 50-62
You inspired me with this, i hope you are still around so i can say
 — sir_I_clan


so much to love here

specially liked:

so slick your cat tongue
up my nose
nuzzle my salty chin
feel me bite right off your lip


our teeth touched
     when you stole my air
          my pen
and so we sit
     still dumb and stare

ooh la la

 — unknown

can we have a name here please?

sorry. canbot read whole thread

 — unknown

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 — unknown

sew gneiss!
; )
 — fractalcore

wholly macaroni! i guessed it right!
it's yours! hahaha...

how did i ever miss this before?
so good to read you again, man!

hope to see you on thanksgiving or
around that time!

; )
 — fractalcore

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