Romantic in pose and prose
actions do not follow
clumsily dreaming in broad tones
choosing to wait for better
leaning on the last post
as the fence lay fallen on the ground
26 Apr 06
Rated 10 (8.4) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (6): 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 10
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(28 more poems by this author)
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not sure if it should be suspension or suspended.
not sure why - but i like it.
Hmm...I know why I like it! It's well written and quick-paced. Every line didn't seem to swimmingly fit with the rest of the poem, but it sounded pretty darn good anywho.
It reminds me of a love seen in a movie and i get a great picture if some one with a broken heart and i can feel the way they do. I think you could have added more to it because it left me wondering or maybe that was you intention to keep the reader wondering if it was you got me +++++
I would change two words in this otherwise excellent poem:
clumsy dreams in broad tones
Makes it more active and to the point.
This is awesome! I can so relate to this at the moment!
"pose and prose" - say that 10 times fast! Hah, but then again, this is written, not spoken, so I sort of like it. I like line 4 - good emjambment there, between 4 & 5 - and the image in lines 10 & 11 is really quite nice, though I think you should describe it more - I want to feel the cool, so cold it feels moist-ness of this post. Perhaps rewrite a bit there, but otherwise really well done.
at first, i stumbled over the first few lines, because it's hard to connect them...but i think, reading it again, that that's what achieves the "clumsiness" you point out in line 3. this poem really started to hit home toward the end...are you talking about (as teen puppy dog as this sounds) that period when you're on a "break" in a relationship, or that kind of suspended, unsure animation period...? if you are, the gray imagery is great...i don't really get the fence thing, but i'm sure i would if i tried harder. good short poem!
I like it. I like how open it is, how it can be about whatever (within limits, o'course) whoever is reading it wants it to be about. At the same time, I don't like that. Mostly I like the title. 9 I don't care for, it's heavy with reality where the rest isn't. This has potential.
I feel you on this one!
Clumsily seems clumsy. otherwise, very good!