poetry critical

online poetry workshop



after, and i will wait for you
unknown

would you uncover your face if i
 1
speak softer
 2
hey, hey baby shh
 3
 
 
do you know, i hold
 4
only for you. for now,
 5
i will hide
 6
my anger from.
 7
 
 
anger at
 8
who? was it that
 9
wanted to feel your bones
 10
put his body so close to yours
 11
hey, hey baby shh
 12
covered your mouth oh
 13
and what did he do to your skin
 14
crushed vessels
 15
bruised cervix
 16
his scent caught under your nails
 17
 
 
still at your fingertips.
 18

wondering, the ending - is it abrupt? does it work? not so well?

2 May 06

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 10, 10

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Comments:

continue on it needs more but besides that its really good
 — unknown

Love this.  I wish the footer wasn't there, though.  My one suggestion is dropping "Oh" in L13 - breaks the rhythm.  Also, I think specifing "cervix" is too blatant for such an oblique style peice.  Love the rest - simply adoration.
 — WordsAndMe

Back on a reread - the ending is abrupt, but for the subject matter, I think it is entirely appropritate.  (In my attempt to explain a least-vulgar way...men...finish...abruptly...)  

I love this, and after a second read - bump to a 10.
 — WordsAndMe

Haunting
 — unknown

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