poetry critical

online poetry workshop

after, and i will wait for you

would you uncover your face if i
speak softer
hey, hey baby shh
do you know, i hold
only for you. for now,
i will hide
my anger from.
anger at
who? was it that
wanted to feel your bones
put his body so close to yours
hey, hey baby shh
covered your mouth oh
and what did he do to your skin
crushed vessels
bruised cervix
his scent caught under your nails
still at your fingertips.

wondering, the ending - is it abrupt? does it work? not so well?

2 May 06

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 10, 10

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continue on it needs more but besides that its really good
 — unknown

Love this.  I wish the footer wasn't there, though.  My one suggestion is dropping "Oh" in L13 - breaks the rhythm.  Also, I think specifing "cervix" is too blatant for such an oblique style peice.  Love the rest - simply adoration.
 — WordsAndMe

Back on a reread - the ending is abrupt, but for the subject matter, I think it is entirely appropritate.  (In my attempt to explain a least-vulgar way...men...finish...abruptly...)  

I love this, and after a second read - bump to a 10.
 — WordsAndMe

 — unknown