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Brutal Irony
Aziel

A stilted body and a porcelain doll
 1
danced amongst the crowd, their eyes
 2
averted,
 3
their tongues bitten back,
 4
their bodies melting into the snow.
 5
Parading shadows nipped
 6
at their heels, screamed their
 7
numbers,
 8
a list not names, but numbers.
 9
Their soft hands wept from
 10
their bones and
 11
they were equal but to each other.
 12

3 May 06

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 10

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Comments:

and the brutal irony is?
 — unknown

I have little criticism to offer on this one so I'll start with the praise. I love it. The imagery, though vaguely put, manages to come through with a strong, stark contrast. I can feel the sharpness of the black and white as it's intensified against the wavering vague greys of the background.
"stilted bodies" "tongues bitten back" "parading shadows" "soft hands wept" - all fantastic.

That being said, my criticisms start with the title. I'm not sure how it fits as I see no irony in this piece. It might be more fitting if you simplified it to brutal. I'd eliminate L9 as it's redundant. You give your readers credit for 'getting it' throughout the rest of the piece. Stay consistant. I'd also remove the comma from L11 as it simply doesn't belong there. That's it though. I still give it a 10 for the strength of imagery.  
 — nakedowl

Brutal irony is correct, in my stance.

Irony is that the porcelain doll is beautiful and revered, and the stilted body is ugly and unnatural.  They're so different, but they die, all the same, in the same way.
 — Aziel

bakwass!
 — unknown

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