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I didn't see beyond the tears. I didn't hear beyond the sobs.
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I didn't see beyond the tears,
 1
I didn't hear beyond the sobs,
 2
 
 
I thought that holding your face,
 3
drying your tears with my thumb,
 4
would somehow be more romantic.
 5
    (damn movies)
 6
 
 
I thought the steady crickets,
 7
the mellow air, the spring,
 8
the lamb kabobs from Demos,
 9
would be the perfect night.
 10
I thought it was cute.
 11
  
 12
I thought that thing we had
 13
when we stared into eachother's eyes,
 14
when we interlocked our fingers,
 15
and scrunched them as tight as we could,
 16
when we kissed when we were bored.
 17
I thought that helped.
 18
It meant to help.
 19
 
 
I thought that staying up late
 20
talking about "life" with pointless movies in the background, mattered.
 21
I thought that was great.
 22
 
 
I thought that life to
 23
us
 24
was more important than life to
 25
me.
 26
 
 
I just
 27
didn't see beyond the tears.
 28
didn't hear beyond the sobs.
 29
 
 
I should have.
 30

8 May 06

Rated 7 (7) by 1 users.
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Inactive (0): 7

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Comments:

L15- should be our* and perhaps fingers*
Ls 20 and 21 don't make a complete sentence, or a complete thought for that matter.

I get this, but..it seems to be lacking something.  It's probably just me.  This is well written, it just doesn't seem to be offering anything new.  I say that hypocritacly because my poetry is far from new.  I wish I could critque more on how to help you out, but I'm at a loss.  Have a seven because I did enjoy it.  I'll check back later to see any revisions if you decide to make any.

In best regards,
-Mary
 — fallinforyou

This poem is sad :(
 — unknown

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