You survive an ice encrusted cocoon,
sleeping like a salmon wrapped in aspic.
Heart ticked once each full moon.
Emerged too soon onto balcony of glass,
frisk driplets from cold antennae.
Plant stamens awaiting felony,
prickle as you pass.
Your journey traces an obliterated path,
like water wandering through rusted drains.
If it were possible you would laugh,
flushed among cloudbursts of spring rain.
19 May 06
Rated 9.7 (8.5) by 3 users.
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What fantastic imagery - it reminds me of those insects that are preserved in amber - I like the sense of barely alive that the tick conveys. Nice half rhyme and rhyme going on,
Damn. It has been a long long time since I've come across a poem so well-crafted, and stunning. I had wondered about the sound of the word "antennae," but passed it over quick & on 2nd read it is perfect. Rich imagery, deliberate pace, soft rhyme. No suggestions for improvement, just thanks for posting.
magical and well crafted? oh yeah !
Larry thanks for this treat, i've queried a few words choices, not in criticism so much but rather out of curiosity. I really enjoyed this.
You survive an ice encrusted cocoon, 1
sleeping like a goldfish wrapped in aspic. 2 goldfish?
Heart ticked once each full moon. 3
Emerged too soon onto a balcony of glass, 4
frisk driplets off cold antennae. 5
Plant stamens awaiting felony, prickle as you pass. 6
'felony' seems complicated why not just 'touch'
Your journey traces obliterated paths, 7
'obliterated' ? slightly awkward to me, is 'ancient' too cliched?
like water wandering in rusted drains. 8
If it were possible you would laugh, 9
flushed among aromas of faint rain. 10
This is naturally amazing. I don't comprehend felony- is there a plant vandalist in the neighborhood like a drunk guy ripping at a slight overgrowth I witnessed here along our row recently? But I know your reasoning makes sense and the poem truly is to the climactic impossible laugh, which I don't agree with. Maybe the expectant felony is when caterpillars or some other chewers... Laugh out loud or laugh within? You're getting smarter and I'm gladdened to know someone has written of a wasp and the existential humility of making mistakes perhaps fitting in just right. Just write may be the theme. Editing comes; take care (when right). Best wishes! (C)
I am repelled yet strangely attracted to wasps
Larry Strangeways Lark
your reply has given me a buzz
dear larry - this reply means Caducus likes it!
first stanza is great. the other stanzas don't live up to the promise.
The one and only word I don't think fits is "Obliterated"
I am enchanted with the rest!
This is just beautiful in both form and content.
I love the internal rhymes (aspic / ticked / glass) and assonance (frisk / driplets, pass / paths, etc.).
Comma after "stamens" in l. 6?
Don't get rid of "felony" -- I love it. Those flowers are being sexually harrassed. :-)
Thanks for your detailed reply which i will consider carefully.
Naturally. Sorry Larry. I came back and sent that I got your poem so deliciously though and gave it a 10(+). It is truly beautiful and different, a masterpiece! It wasn't recorded. The (C) is my screen name, C. I'm disappointed I'm not remembered by you. (I love wasps existentially and want to pull down those traps people stick unnecessarily in trees. I used to share a bit of food while eating and they were content. I don't think those bring a laughing passing.)
strong, in spite of the title, which suggests eloquence. thanks for writing this, it was refreshing to read. short and sweet, literally. too good to let go.
Yes I know but i was in stupid mode when i read it
Dear Poetry God
Sorry,I'll try even harder next time.
you've now got me wondering whether or not to obliterate.
The felony was my intention and though wasps don't take nectar they will catch the pollen on their legs and wings.
I'm sure i would remember you given a clue.This crit has made my hour. Thanks for taking the time.
Thaks and glad you liked it
Thanks for reading
Larry, you're starting to slur a bit. C
Excuse me. I feel ignored, and very lonely... I have had some great wasp experiences after commenting here (a while back). I sat in the foothills after a hike and noticed I was close next to a nest in a small hole in the rocky hillside. They were peaceful and it was awesome to watch them and share time. - C
reminds me of carl sandburg. just lovely
An interesting observation. Thanks for the comment
I don't know about Carl Sandburg - to me it seemed uncomfortably close to Sylvia Plath (especially 'love set you going').
But if you have to be like somebody, Plath is one of the better people to be like. And it was really good to find a poem which is actually about something.
I copied this off a chip paper that Ted Hughs threw away outside a Yorkshire Chippy where they fried 'em in real beef dripping. Whether Sylvia scribbled it or Ted no one will ever know, but it nice to have a contributor who can so quickly get onto the scent of a foxy old fraud.
Larry Sylvia Lark
excellent mood, slightly (acceptable) scientific language choices.
cleverly unassuming rhyme hiding in there as well.
i like this
Thank you for saying Squish at the end. This is lovely.
I was quite enjoying this until I came to line 5. Where it got me wondering what frisk driplets would actually look like.
A drip is a drop, therefore the idea of a driplet is a strange one, and in fact, one could say it is illiteracy.
Any form of moisture could in fact form a droplet or even a driblet, I fail to see how it could possibly form a driplet, or even driplets, frisk or otherwise.
I don't believe it! Mor actually enjoyed something. Oh how i wish the drip had not been let drop on the day this was written.
Larry the drip Lark
Wasps freak me out so I like this in spite of my natural predisposition to run the mouse to another poem. Ooo . It's just good... bah. I have no critiquing to do, except that yes, in truth driplets may not actually be a word, but damn it works for this. Who cares if it isn't a word [yet]....sorry Mor...*smile*
frisk is a verb = to frisk.
Well it is true that frisk in the lively sense, is indeed a verb.
However, if portrayed as in gambol, to leap or frolic it is a noun as is frisker in all its friskiness.
How many drips does the droplet see
Before such a drop, it becometh me
It seems ‘tis but none, but poor larry.
O what a tale of woe is disparity...
Have you really nothing better to do ?
Larry zzzzzzzzzzzz Lark
Is that a threat or a promise
Larry shut down Lark
mor plays by his own rules which is great if you love living in La La land.
Larry fiddle dee dee Lark
Preston isn’t the be all of utopia, in fact Preston north end is total rubbish, thank God for its Asian community, and its sensibilities, where would Lancashire hotpot be without them?
Not as hot?
Larry vindaloopy Lark
damn, this is beautiful, larry: powerful language without being overpowering, clearity of images allowing for a sudden glimpse of suprise, absolutely masterfully crafted shifts in tone and emphasis. This whole of this poem reads like its endin, "flushed among aromas of faint rain."
I almost threw this one in the bin and it has lain dormant for years but I'm so pleased you liked it.
Larry singing in the rain Lark
“flushed among aroma’s of faint rain”
Such a line in all its flushness; should be preserved in aspic perhaps.
No doubt, it was a Royal Flush.
Just as a matter of interest, and whilst you are enjoying the euphoria of applause, Do tell me what does flushed mean. Could it possibly mean cleansed or have you perhaps had an influx of blood due to raising a covey of partridges.
A past tense perhaps.
How strange the poetic mind; the flusher of reason.
I don't do euphoria
Larry busted flush Lark
This wasp was trapped in amber, but it's Mor a resin, a polymer: styrene -- the kind of thing you by at a stand at a fair: Genuine Insect, whilst being bitten by mosquitos. It's not very good poetry.
I can see which nest you like to cuddle up in .
Larry cold as aspic in ice Lark
The first of the current top rated poems that should be top rated. Holy crap and by larrylark. I always avoided reading your stuff because I thought you were just a fucking clown.
I never read the top rated, until now. What a shock to see the first 10, and then this one sits below all the crap.
But I am a fuckin' clown and don't pretend to be anything less.
Larry fun fair Lark
Kind of creepy yet strangely appealing. You make me want to get to know this wasp, alas he rides alone! Excellent use of language.
larry stop trying to be th comedian, you show yourself too thoughtful in this poem to hide now....burrrrp.
beautiful English though i need a dictionary here for some words...
I like to keep my comic turns up to scratch even though I am resigned to the fact that they irritate the hell out of most people on here.
Larry make em laff, or cry lark
i like it well
I can't help it, I wasn't going to come here anymore, but I'm drawn like Icarus to the infantile disputes on the message board but also to the odd gem like this poem.
I think this is quite excellent. I was a little taken back by the format change in the 3rd stanza and prefer to read the first and second together and the third all by itself.
Your journey...etc is a fantastic description of a wasp. I'll never look at wasps the same way again.
that's a real good poem
the only thingamaboob that i didn't
although a tick is an insect
so maybe it's not too bad
i just don't like the sound of it in your poem
family Ixodidae, Ixodidae - hard ticks
Argasidae, family Argasidae - soft ticks
While in general terms a novice might call a tick an insect, in the strickest terms they are more related to a spider, eight legged, although they have their own catagory above, it must make them about ready to burst for joy ;)
Very clever and intricate and well thought out and boring.
Glad to hear you are like well
Larry the sting Lark
I have studied them with a mixture of fear and admiration for many years and feel there are few things on this earth so repellently beautiful.
Larry ant man bee Lark
still good after all this time
I think that thar wasp must be drawing his/her pension by now
Larry buzzin' Lark
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'sleeping like a goldfish wrapped in aspic' -- WOW.
as for the rest-- my brain got a word freeze. nice poem.
i am working on Autumn bee
you survived the sun crusted pollen
slept like a neglected hippo wrapped in pond mud
pulse flickered in the faint light of Neptune etc etc etc
Quite nice Larry.