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Roger and his big greens.
gonewrong

My grandfather
 1
had these eyes
 2
that never hesitated
 3
to make you sag down knee-high
 4
to make you feel like you're nothing more than dirt.
 5
He had eyes that
 6
made you feel like a ventriloquist doll-
 7
not even gasping your own deep breaths.
 8
He had eyes that told you lies.
 9
Eyes that made you feel
 10
like less of a person than
 11
the last glance he took over the top of your head.
 12
Eyes that sought to stagger you everytime you were confident enough to stare.
 13
He had eyes that were stronger than any x-ray.
 14
Yeah- he'd see right through you.
 15
Eyes that could see clear across the country
 16
where nothing was secret, and he knew every mistake you ever made.
 17
My grandfather
 18
had these eyes
 19
that never hesitated to tell you
 20
how goddamn proud he was.
 21

22 May 06

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Comments:

I like this. I was right there with you through the whole poem, feeling the intensity of his stare, and then the ending struck me. Nice.

A small correction, in the last 3 lines you change tense. You say, "has" these eyes..."hesitated" to tell you. It should be had, or hesitate, but you need to change one or the other.

Also, 10-12 - I don't understand how you could feel less of a person than a glance... that doesn't make sense. Do you mean, "less of a person than when he last glanced over the top of your head"?
 — Maela

ha. yes, that's exactly what i meant.
thank you.
 — gonewrong

Much better! But you still need to change has to had in Line 19.
 — Maela

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