poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Geek Love
unknown

Digsy swallows stones
 1
on Tuesday evenings.
 2
Commander bellows,
 3
"See the human well!”
 4
and the crowd flourishes
 5
around the pigeon-turded stage,
 6
their peony eyes widening
 7
under a brass moon.
 8
 
 
A young girl stares up
 9
at Digsy,  her white birthmark
 10
covers her face like a lace veil.
 11
She elbows her friend,
 12
whispers, “he’s the one.”
 13
 
 
“Hear the stone drop
 14
from his throat to his belly!”
 15
Commander shrieks
 16
as the crowd tilt their heads
 17
like lolling begonias.
 18
 
 
Digsy blinks twice,
 19
holds the stone to his mouth
 20
and thinks of baked clams,
 21
his days as a deck hand on
 22
the Fortuna, the first slug
 23
of old Knappogue before
 24
each show, and the young girl
 25
before him, the flush of red freckles  
 26
against her bleached skin.
 27
 
 
Digsy presses the stone
 28
against his lips and stows
 29
it away in his mouth, hiccups,
 30
smiling down at the young girl.
 31

24 May 06

Rated 10 (8.9) by 5 users.
Active (5):
Inactive (11): 5, 5, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

i love it.
 — allthoughts

Good quality of writing here. It has a mythical feeling to it which suits it well. I like the extended metaphor of the crowd as flowers, particularly L7-8. There are some gentle and effective observations, such as L19-27, which really pull this piece up.

Good job, I like it (8)

x
 — musicwords

This is so cute, and the title fits perfectly. I really like the name "Digsy" as well.
 — FolleRouge

Thanks for the kind comments allthoughts, musicwords & FolleRouge.

carnivals are like a small worlds inside our own, their people live in this bubble, that whole nomadic lifestyle is fascinating but it must be very lonely too. I've had this story in my head for a while now and i wanted to depict how the chemistry between two people is unique and rare.  
 — unknown

cute stuff. not something particularly moving, or earth shattering but non the less something very pleasant to read. overall, a very nice job.
 — SweetPain

enchanting. sorry i don't have any suggestions. good work.
 — SteelAngel

sweet
 — unknown

Creative, inventive, interesting.  Lines 7-8 are remarkably original.  
 — Isabelle5

thanx for reading!
 — redsky

this sounds marvellous and lifts off the page when read aloud; the story is curiously reciprocating with the found surround-sound; the cadences move the winsome strophes around with each other and there is a whirl'd of synchroNicities
 — AlchemiA

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