| Still Thinking it's All a Bad Dream
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Isabelle5
| I thought it was a trick | 1 |
to get me to be serious, | 2 |
to spend the night and share myself | 3 |
the way I never did before. | 4 |
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I thought it was a joke, | 5 |
a response to a work flirtation | 6 |
that I mentioned while lying in his arms. | 7 |
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I thought he needed me | 8 |
and I thought he was pretending | 9 |
that he found someone to talk to | 10 |
and that she was coming over. | 11 |
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When I woke up at near-midnight, | 12 |
looked out the window at his stairs, | 13 |
she was coming down before him. | 14 |
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He was coming down behind her, | 15 |
in slow motion. | 16 |
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They were touching as he walked her to her car. | 17 |
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I thought it was a trick; | 18 |
how did he create an image | 19 |
of another woman walking there before him, | 20 |
both of them stepping | 21 |
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right through me? | 22 |
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9 Jun 06 |
Rated 8 (7) by 1 users.
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(237 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
It's nice. The last image is excellent. But it's padded throughout with "I thought." After a while, a reader skips over the repeated words. That makes them wasted. While repitition works in songs, it doesn't always work in poems. You have good stuff here. Put it aside for a month, and come back with a critical eye for cutting.
— DianaTrees
The repetition is necessary, it's the almost zombie like speaking, this must not be real, this must be my imagination, this can't be happening. Like people after an "accident speak, in shock, "I can't believe it."
— Isabelle5
I appreciate the repetition - understand the motive behind it. Great final image - like a solid punch to my gut with weight behind it; similar to how I imagine the woman in the poem feels. I wonder, author, is this a true story?
— WordsAndMe
Isabelle! How your poems happily sneak up on me!
— WordsAndMe
True
— Isabelle5
yikes. Well, in that case, very well worded. I only asked whether or not this was true because when reading the poem, I truly believed the author had endured this - your word choice and rhythm create a true-to-life aura around the peice that is not only necessary but delightful in a morbid manner. Nicely done, love.
— WordsAndMe
The last stanza slams me to the ground. I love/hate the way it starts out, like the uplifting music at the start of a horror film. As I read through 5-7 the dread mounted, and then I hit "I thought he needed me". I know my experience could never compare to yours, but...I sorta know exactly how this feels.
It is a beautiful/horrible poem...but the horrible just comes from the fact that I have a incling of what you feel.
I am very sorry Isabelle.
— SaleenDriva
It's like a dream you can almost grasp. Very nicely done, in spite of the choppy language.
— unknown
Thanks for the comments. I wrote this as though I was stepping down my steep stairs, in the dark, in slow motion. Lines 14-18 really need to be read with about a 2 second pause between each one, as though you are in total shock.
Which I was.
— Isabelle5
Can I ask a question. As things are unfolding in your life, do you occasionally start composing the poem as they're happening?
— unknown
As they are happening, meaning right at the moment? Sometimes, like when I'm walking and see cool things. When I'm a moment like this, no, I'm too caught up in trying to breathe and not faint or push someone down the stairs!
Writing it is mostly about making it coherent and touchable. If you can write it and read it, it's bearable. It's the pain that can't come out that I can't write about. I still can't write about losing my children years ago.
— Isabelle5
it doesnt surprise me this happened to you. you are splendidly naive.
— unknown
Could be true
— Isabelle5
You lost your children? How awful. I'm sorry.
— unknown
In a divorce, they are still alive and well. My husband said he would send my children to the Philippines, never to be seen again, if I asked for custody. I believed him (and his wealthy spiteful father). Even my nursing 2 year old, gone to him, with me having every other week-end only. Deep depression made to order.
all better now
— Isabelle5
You missed the point, appartently. No mother wants her children shipped to another country to be raised by strangers. So he married another woman - and they were paritally raised by a stranger....
— Isabelle5
Paritally is not really a word! Partially is what I need...plus more sleep.
— Isabelle5
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