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Your Turn Next Time
Isabelle5

If we do live again, recycled souls
 1
trying to find our way to perfection,
 2
shall we plan to meet next life,
 3
try it out with me as the man?
 4
 
 
You don’t seem to know how
 5
to use the power you’ve been given,
 6
not in a useful way, that is -
 7
women don’t need only penetration;
 8
 
 
the tenderness is as vital as the thrust
 9
 
 
and when you use your height and width
 10
for us to lay upon, you tend to use your anger
 11
as a weapon, lewd humor at our expense,
 12
 
 
cutting deeply through uncharted
 13
places in our souls, leaving virgin hearts
 14
bleeding upon your bed.
 15
 
 
You echo my "I love you" blandly,  
 16
like a piece of gum that has no taste
 17
or a language you have just begun to learn
 18
 
 
but it’s too late for me to take mine back,
 19
too late to regain the balance that made me
 20
fall for you, my frozen friend, while your eyes
 21
still scoured the edges of low cut blouses.
 22
 
 
You be the woman next time,
 23
see if you can do better.
 24

21 Jun 06

Rated 9.5 (8.7) by 4 users.
Active (4): 9, 10
Inactive (7): 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

isa, woman, keep the poems on for longer than two minutes so I can actually comment
you do not mean to communicate that you are writing all this as you go ...
damn
maria
 — unknown

I actually am writing this as I go.  I have only two minutes of lunch hour left.  I'm done!  Sorry!  hahaha
 — Isabelle5

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

pra3
 — unknown

If we do live again, next life, I a man
will see you: without the thrust, I'll be
tender with height and width. We'll both

lie on your anger -- your humor that now cuts
deep -- and leaves a once-virgin heart
on your bed. In my next life, I'll forget

your eyes that scour low-cut blouses,
and you can be the woman
trying to do better.
 — DianaTrees

Not really capturing the feeling I'm trying to convey, Diana.  But thanks for it.
 — Isabelle5

like the message in this poem as I wonder about the same things.
 — marieF

Hahhaha...I'm not laughing at the poem, I promise!  I'm laughing because I think I have a tendency to play the role of a girl emotionaly in my BIG relationships.  I can talk about my feelings, be pretty open about stuff...stuff like that.  AND I used to wonder about this kind of stuff ALL THE TIME.  I love yous...your eyes scouring their hard abs....leaving my heart bleeding a number of times.  You captured a number of MY own emotions in this.  
Poem-As usal, it's amazingly writen.  You capture emotion in everyline, and end it with the perfect words.  Elequent and excellent.  Favorite for me
 — SaleenDriva

Saleendriver, comments like that make me want to say, "But I didn't write it, it wrote itself!"  I'm glad it touched a few people in a relating kind of way.  Imc
 — Isabelle5

I love authors secure enough in their own skin and sexuality to play around with sex reversals.  The technique not only adds up to a creatively stunning poem but a killer pair of last lines that I'm sure will come up next throw down with the boyfriend.  :D Nice write, author.
 — WordsAndMe

That's so sweet, thanks.  Personally, I would not want to be a man, would you?  It looks really tough to do well.  
 — Isabelle5

Heh. Nice.

I'm just imagining all the deuschebag guys I know as women in the next life. It's quite fun, and far too easy in some cases.
 — povertea

Oh, I lurve the pome, too (:
 — povertea

Truthfully, I would never want to be the man, ever.  Women have so much more fun and we can get away with so much more.  Seriously, how many men can wear their woman's shirt to bed as pj's and look sexy?  
 — Isabelle5

I agree - it must be tough to be a good man.  Look how many men have difficulty with it as it is!
 — WordsAndMe

Young lady, I thought you were off on holiday!
 — Isabelle5

This really is a fine poem which forced me to put whats left of my brain in gear
 — larrylark

Holiday starts tomorrow at 6:30 in the am :D!!!
 — WordsAndMe

oh. blabbermouth is still here. lucky PC. WordsRme. That should be your handle.
 — unknown

this is nice.
: )
 — fractalcore

You ought to write a poem now about the devious scheming female, there are plenty of those around.
 — unknown

some one said she just has
 — unknown

It seems a strange poem by failed womanhood blaming men for their failure
It would explain its popularity.
 — unknown

Failed womanhood?  No, only a young man who will grow into himself eventually.  I will guess this comment is from another man who cannot see beyond his own short hairs to the bigger picture.  This isn't the sandbox, though, I believe you missed your exit.
 — Isabelle5

It seems you guessed wrong
 — unknown

Prove it, make some knowledgable comments about the improvement of this poem.  
 — Isabelle5

wow i really really like this. it has an amazing message.
 — silentspring

Thanks, Silentspring.  

This comment is for the unknown who thinks this is about failed womanhood and bitching at men.  If you slow down and read it, I believe you'll see that it isn't a complaint, it's teaching a young man how he can be better, where his weakness was this time.  I like men, I generally do not smear them across a page - you should have read that I believe we are all here to learn and that I would be willing to take a turn as a man.
 — Isabelle5

Would it not be better to be more successful as a woman.
 — unknown

That's into the personal side of things, not the poem, I am personally quite successful as a woman.  When this relationship ended, it was necessary to work out the details not only for myself but for this man.  There is nothing 'unsuccessful' about the end of a relationship when it's time.  The only unsuccess is when you either are too scared to begin, too scared to end or just too stupid to change.

The man and I were neither of those things, I still respect him.  
 — Isabelle5

It would I suspect, be interesting to hear their side of the story too
 — unknown

Don't hold your breath waiting, he isn't a member, though he used to come to read.
 — Isabelle5

if it is  who I think you mean, you probally would get a different story
 — unknown

Not sure how you think you know.  I think he'd say the same thing, we are pretty clear about what happened.  That was several years ago, we've both moved on.
 — Isabelle5

I was not getting that impression from your poem, you appear not to have  moved along very far, the way I read it.
 — unknown

Note the date!  This was written almost 3 years ago.
 — Isabelle5

So what has changed to make you a better woman
 — unknown

Look, if you want to talk personally, write me at my e-mail, otherwise, I don't want to continue this here, okay?  TIME makes us all better, if we continue to grow and learn.  
 — Isabelle5

If this is J, send me a snail.
 — Isabelle5

Just when we thought we were going to get an insight into your faults, you move on to email
 — unknown

L15- I love you's.  Put in an apostrophe there, otherwise it looks like a bad French word.  :-)  Great poem btw.  I need not get into WHY it's so great.  It should be apparent to any man with 1/2 a brain.  :-)
 — starr

Thanks, Starr.  Instead of ', I deleted the s.  It would not make sense with an ' but makes total sense without the s.

I appreciate you pointing that out.  
 — Isabelle5

You're welcome, Isabelle.  Great poem.   I'm stuggling now with the syntax/flow of L's 15 & 16; something in the mix just isn't working and I don't know what it is.  It could be the capital letters across the "I love you."  You could afford to remove te comma after "words."  It puts a breath where no breath is needed.  It could also be the say/spit combo.  (Pick one of the two perhaps?)  Then in L17, I'd drop "only."  "Just" makes the point very clear without making it any more comparative.  MY thoughts, of course. - Starr
p.s. I'll be right back after I sign in and give this my signature.  I'm apparently not signed in right now and it's gonna post as unknown.  Oops.  :-)
 — unknown

Signature.  :-)
 — starr

Check back in 5 minutes, I'll fix it.  Thanks again for the candor and clarity of your suggestions.  That's how I learn!
 — Isabelle5

Okay...NOW I'ma come over there and smack you.  Leave L15 the way you had it!  It was fine.  It was just a little too wordy/clunky but necessary to the overall message of the poem.  :-O
 — starr

It is!  
 — Isabelle5

Grrrrr!!!!  Didn't L18 originally speak of a "language you were just starting to learn" or something like that?  THAT'S where the magic TRULY was- in that one line.  Can you bring that back into the poem, Isabelle?  :-O
 — starr

Not really, this is more closely what I need to say.  This man didn't care about the woman, he likes his own way, he could say things but he could not mean them, he didn't want to.

But I'll think about it.  It won't be exactly the same.  
 — Isabelle5

It's all good.  I still LOVE it.  I'll just take your carrot cake for that (wink.)
 — starr

10
 — unknown

this is chilling
but the imagery is a little confusing.
 — SweetPain

Gorilla climbs tree
Breaks many branches
Sloths never reach the top
But seem to understand


There is truth in so many of your poems, I'd like to see more shapes, forms, rhythm, sounds, to create expression and they'd be brilliant.  You tend to trail off in dialogue and redundancy occasionally as well, like in 19-21.

17-18 are brilliant, though. 9/10, you know I'm a grinch
 — technomancer

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