|Your Turn Next Time
If we do live again, recycled souls
trying to find our way to perfection,
shall we plan to meet next life,
try it out with me as the man?
You don’t seem to know how
to use the power you’ve been given,
not in a useful way, that is -
women don’t need only penetration;
the tenderness is as vital as the thrust
and when you use your height and width
for us to lay upon, you tend to use your anger
as a weapon, lewd humor at our expense,
cutting deeply through uncharted
places in our souls, leaving virgin hearts
bleeding upon your bed.
You echo my "I love you" blandly,
like a piece of gum that has no taste
or a language you have just begun to learn
but it’s too late for me to take mine back,
too late to regain the balance that made me
fall for you, my frozen friend, while your eyes
still scoured the edges of low cut blouses.
You be the woman next time,
see if you can do better.
21 Jun 06
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isa, woman, keep the poems on for longer than two minutes so I can actually comment
you do not mean to communicate that you are writing all this as you go ...
I actually am writing this as I go. I have only two minutes of lunch hour left. I'm done! Sorry! hahaha
If we do live again, next life, I a man
will see you: without the thrust, I'll be
tender with height and width. We'll both
lie on your anger -- your humor that now cuts
deep -- and leaves a once-virgin heart
on your bed. In my next life, I'll forget
your eyes that scour low-cut blouses,
and you can be the woman
trying to do better.
Not really capturing the feeling I'm trying to convey, Diana. But thanks for it.
like the message in this poem as I wonder about the same things.
Hahhaha...I'm not laughing at the poem, I promise! I'm laughing because I think I have a tendency to play the role of a girl emotionaly in my BIG relationships. I can talk about my feelings, be pretty open about stuff...stuff like that. AND I used to wonder about this kind of stuff ALL THE TIME. I love yous...your eyes scouring their hard abs....leaving my heart bleeding a number of times. You captured a number of MY own emotions in this.
Poem-As usal, it's amazingly writen. You capture emotion in everyline, and end it with the perfect words. Elequent and excellent. Favorite for me
Saleendriver, comments like that make me want to say, "But I didn't write it, it wrote itself!" I'm glad it touched a few people in a relating kind of way. Imc
I love authors secure enough in their own skin and sexuality to play around with sex reversals. The technique not only adds up to a creatively stunning poem but a killer pair of last lines that I'm sure will come up next throw down with the boyfriend. :D Nice write, author.
That's so sweet, thanks. Personally, I would not want to be a man, would you? It looks really tough to do well.
I'm just imagining all the deuschebag guys I know as women in the next life. It's quite fun, and far too easy in some cases.
Oh, I lurve the pome, too (:
Truthfully, I would never want to be the man, ever. Women have so much more fun and we can get away with so much more. Seriously, how many men can wear their woman's shirt to bed as pj's and look sexy?
I agree - it must be tough to be a good man. Look how many men have difficulty with it as it is!
Young lady, I thought you were off on holiday!
This really is a fine poem which forced me to put whats left of my brain in gear
Holiday starts tomorrow at 6:30 in the am :D!!!
oh. blabbermouth is still here. lucky PC. WordsRme. That should be your handle.
this is nice.
You ought to write a poem now about the devious scheming female, there are plenty of those around.
some one said she just has
It seems a strange poem by failed womanhood blaming men for their failure
It would explain its popularity.
Failed womanhood? No, only a young man who will grow into himself eventually. I will guess this comment is from another man who cannot see beyond his own short hairs to the bigger picture. This isn't the sandbox, though, I believe you missed your exit.
It seems you guessed wrong
Prove it, make some knowledgable comments about the improvement of this poem.
wow i really really like this. it has an amazing message.
This comment is for the unknown who thinks this is about failed womanhood and bitching at men. If you slow down and read it, I believe you'll see that it isn't a complaint, it's teaching a young man how he can be better, where his weakness was this time. I like men, I generally do not smear them across a page - you should have read that I believe we are all here to learn and that I would be willing to take a turn as a man.
Would it not be better to be more successful as a woman.
That's into the personal side of things, not the poem, I am personally quite successful as a woman. When this relationship ended, it was necessary to work out the details not only for myself but for this man. There is nothing 'unsuccessful' about the end of a relationship when it's time. The only unsuccess is when you either are too scared to begin, too scared to end or just too stupid to change.
The man and I were neither of those things, I still respect him.
It would I suspect, be interesting to hear their side of the story too
Don't hold your breath waiting, he isn't a member, though he used to come to read.
if it is who I think you mean, you probally would get a different story
Not sure how you think you know. I think he'd say the same thing, we are pretty clear about what happened. That was several years ago, we've both moved on.
I was not getting that impression from your poem, you appear not to have moved along very far, the way I read it.
Note the date! This was written almost 3 years ago.
So what has changed to make you a better woman
Look, if you want to talk personally, write me at my e-mail, otherwise, I don't want to continue this here, okay? TIME makes us all better, if we continue to grow and learn.
If this is J, send me a snail.
Just when we thought we were going to get an insight into your faults, you move on to email
L15- I love you's. Put in an apostrophe there, otherwise it looks like a bad French word. :-) Great poem btw. I need not get into WHY it's so great. It should be apparent to any man with 1/2 a brain. :-)
Thanks, Starr. Instead of ', I deleted the s. It would not make sense with an ' but makes total sense without the s.
I appreciate you pointing that out.
You're welcome, Isabelle. Great poem. I'm stuggling now with the syntax/flow of L's 15 & 16; something in the mix just isn't working and I don't know what it is. It could be the capital letters across the "I love you." You could afford to remove te comma after "words." It puts a breath where no breath is needed. It could also be the say/spit combo. (Pick one of the two perhaps?) Then in L17, I'd drop "only." "Just" makes the point very clear without making it any more comparative. MY thoughts, of course. - Starr
p.s. I'll be right back after I sign in and give this my signature. I'm apparently not signed in right now and it's gonna post as unknown. Oops. :-)
Check back in 5 minutes, I'll fix it. Thanks again for the candor and clarity of your suggestions. That's how I learn!
Okay...NOW I'ma come over there and smack you. Leave L15 the way you had it! It was fine. It was just a little too wordy/clunky but necessary to the overall message of the poem. :-O
Grrrrr!!!! Didn't L18 originally speak of a "language you were just starting to learn" or something like that? THAT'S where the magic TRULY was- in that one line. Can you bring that back into the poem, Isabelle? :-O
Not really, this is more closely what I need to say. This man didn't care about the woman, he likes his own way, he could say things but he could not mean them, he didn't want to.
But I'll think about it. It won't be exactly the same.
It's all good. I still LOVE it. I'll just take your carrot cake for that (wink.)
this is chilling
but the imagery is a little confusing.
Gorilla climbs tree
Breaks many branches
Sloths never reach the top
But seem to understand
There is truth in so many of your poems, I'd like to see more shapes, forms, rhythm, sounds, to create expression and they'd be brilliant. You tend to trail off in dialogue and redundancy occasionally as well, like in 19-21.
17-18 are brilliant, though. 9/10, you know I'm a grinch