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and when i should have been sleeping.

dark night but there's
no breeze instead
cement arms hang onto postboxes
lovely anchored cautiousness
as feet wander cement motionless
and children clatter through
chalk and garbage
stone stomachs
digest rocks
devour tawdry asphalt as
teeth collect dust and streetlights
turn inward on themselves
with heavy eyes
i leave my handprints
in sandboxes and push playground swings
further from everything
no better gently rocking
no longer.

24 Jun 06

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ooooooh very creepy i like i like i like
 — unknown

    This is very good, and chilling.  I can't presume to know the exact inspiration for the poem but the evocation of childhood through neglected nights and sandboxes reminds me of those vague fears of those years: the wordless contemplation of mortality and human frailty, the fear of violence and broken bones that as adults we have only found words for.  Good stuff.
   The only element problematic for me is "careless stone stomachs" of line 8.  Nothing in my experience allowed me to grab hold of it, so I'm not sure what I would recommend.
   Good stuff, thanks for posting.
 — mikkirat

thank you, both of you!

and mikki
someone else had already noticed careless.
that makes two of you.

i moved it a little bit.
not sure what to do with it.

 — midare


tTis is wonderful, starting from the title and drawing me in till the very last line.  I join mikki's content comment completely, there is also something spatially frightening about the lack of punctuation and the way this relates to the subject matter.  I was wondering whether "hang" in line 3, if you made it "hung" would communicate more a sense of being acted upon, forced, in the sense of passive voice.  "lovely anchored consciousness" is chilling and maybe because I have been reading too much Celan, I was almost going to suggest you have it as "love-anchored" but I am not sure that would work for you.  There is a sense in which, when faced with lack or the impossibility of communication, one begins to make words up, work-combinations that are most wondrous and incomprehensible for the rest of the world.  And that you have always done very well.  

good choise with "careless" in line 8 - the two dashes add a prolonged pause to this line, a breath in and maybe a breath out, well done here on more than one level.

Anything that has to do with "stone" for me these days always finds me face to face with the incomprehensible, inaccessible silence of words.  Once you have stone, I am not sure I want "rock" in the next line, a stone stomach would almost naturally digest rocks.  Might you perhaps surprise the reader here? What if the stone stomach digests ash (that is, ash does not have to be digested but dust is also gotten from the rubbing together of stones)?  Think about it and ignore me if I am not making sense.

line 12 - here comes the dust.  I think you can still have "ash" in line 10 but again, I do not mean to force you into any (unnecessary) revisions.  

this second stanza leaves me still, very still, it is frightening
line 13 - turn perhaps in past tense?  But in the present, it does preserve more agency for itself.  Just a thought

in the last strophe - language fastened, lost and found in the dynamic of memory
Excellent work, my friend, as always
Thank you,

when is graduation?
 — slancho