poetry critical

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a poem to the girl whose boyfriend I kissed once

He was my first kiss,
   barefoot, tasted like firework ash.
It was the fourth of july.
He kissed me, kissed me different than I thought
he would kiss me.
And I remember, lips parted,
there was air between our tongues.
I loved him, loved him barefoot in the grass
and he did not tell me about you except
for when I asked him,
so I figured you couldn't be too important.
And once, once, I think he told me he liked me better,
liked me better because I was smarter
and because he just did.
And we laughed and read cosmo and rationalized
that this was a parallel universe for july love.
I will never see him again.
I don't know why, but I found you online
once I was home and all I had was the taste of it,
sweat and firework ash, burning my tongue.
and he was right-
I am smarter.
but you are thinner and five foot eleven,
which makes you one inch taller than Cindy Crawford,
and I was one summer indiscretion he did not tell
his friends about
because it was wrong and
I am not sexy or gorgeous
or anything that excuses breaking the rules.

30 Jul 06

Rated 5 (8) by 3 users.
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The empathy I feel for you.... cannot be matched with words.
 — unknown

very sweet and well written... in order to move it along and make it more readable, try slicing it up into stanzas.  It'll keep the reader more focused.  I like it a lot. 9.  Oh and capitalize Cosmo.  Also, I like how you indented line 2 a little.  I'd just encourage you to vary it a little with indentations, stanzas and line breaks.  good.
 — OwlGirl

    Nice.  The final idea, "I am not... anything that excuses breaking the rules" is priceless in its own right.  The whole poem is very good, but do look at the grammar in lines 9 & 10, "except/for when I asked him."  While I've heard that "except for" construction often enough, a simple "except" would suffice, and "except for" is a sure sign the speaker is under twenty-five.  :)
 — mikkirat

It sounds so pure and innocent. Like the first time your heart was truly broken. I loved it. I really did. You seem like a nice girl and sweet. I guess I see myself as that girl once...two years ago.

One day there will be a guy that will love you for you and think you are the most beautiful creature. Wait for him, because he will be the only one that matters.

I agree with Owlgirl. Think about breaking it up into stanzas.
 — nightengale

i like this. and i like your name. ;]
 — unknown

Painful for a young girl, isn't it? Beautifully written. The repetition works well here. It emphasises youth, excitement and eventually...disbelief? I like...
 — Nostalgia

Love this, its not the pathetic drool I was expecting. Its just the right kind of tone. And very true to real life, love it.
 — callingcard

beautifully naked and honest yet fun.
 — Anachocolata

this is really beautiful. the last line is subtle yet really powerful at the same time.
 — iAMb

Keep the first "kiss" in Ln 1 and cut all th rest.  Get rid of every "love", because the word is too generalized, abstract, and sentimental.  It is too easy.  Don't tell us that it is love, show us how it is and love will be implicated through the images.  Try to stay away from too many mouth references like "lips" and "tongues", they are getting redundant in poetry.  
You have some very vivid, concrete language here, and I like it a lot.  Just get rid of those over-used romance words.
 — SodaKid

Very well done. I don't say that often; this truly is a great poem. By the way this is coming from a heterosexual male who can't even begin to fathom the female psyche, and this got to me. Well done.
 — hanniganau