poetry critical

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Broken Signal Light
redsky

I can’t speak of gestures two people make
 1
on sidewalks, in book stores, in living rooms -
 2
a hand at rest against the lower back,
 3
a stroke that travels from temple to cheek,
 4
a sway of an arm as it meets shoulders -
 5
they’re all innate actions like finding your balance
 6
on a springboard or closing your eyes to sneeze.
 7
 
 
Nor can I describe the subtleties involved
 8
in exchanged glances and nods, how the grasp
 9
of a wrist can prompt a mutual departure -
 10
such details are structured by a foreign code.
 11
 
 
I can only speak of the highway after two a.m.,
 12
a vacant passenger seat, the breaks of dusk
 13
between every lamp post - shading my eyes shorter  
 14
than I hope for - and the pulse of a single engine,
 15
waning as I veer left onto the exit ramp.
 16
 
 
------------------------------------------------------------------
 17

15 Aug 06

Rated 9.3 (8.1) by 5 users.
Active (5): 10, 10
Inactive (12): 1, 1, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(10 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

    Stunning, very focused.  The tone of the voice is engaging, confidential even, and creates an intimacy between the poetic voice and the reader.  Wistful, solitary, and resigned without pathos or didacticism.  Excellent work.
   There are a few points which I might suggest for revision, though.  I don't think it is serious, but I felt a little sketchy with the transition from gestures, plural (1), to hand, singular (3).  It took me a while to see it -- because as written it is grammatically correct, there are two more gestures in lines 4 & 5 -- but my discomfort was caused by my getting a bit lost on sidewalks, bookstores, and living rooms, and I think you might blue-pencil the word "of" in line 3, because I keep getting "gestures two people make of"  (sorry for the huge explanation of the little thing... too much coffee today).
    Do also look at a few words or phrases that seem more formal or clinical than the confidential, intimate tone suggests.  "Lower back" in line 3 seems more distant than a "thigh" might, and "innate actions" could well be "instinctive" or just "instinct."  "Mutual departure" works well, though.
     Besides my idiosyncratic dislike of numerics (and acronyms) in poetry (I'd prefer "two a.m." instead of "2 AM" in line 12) the only other thing I'd recommend -- and despite the avalanche of words in this comment, really the only flaw I can see in the poem -- is do consider whether or not lights (13) shade eyes (14).
    I do hope the sheer amount of points I've brought up here doesn't make it sound like I don't like the poem: quite the opposite, I love it, and I spend much more time with poems I think are nearly perfect than otherwise.  
    Thanks,
 — mikkirat

of or related to prose. but the cadence is good, seems to wane. though normally i wouldn't suggest the mold, by that i just mean the avoiding of stanzas, they can help to space out a poem. anyway, good poem. mutual, down to intermittent lights, favorite bit in here.
 — listen

Its brilliant - my favourite of all your poems rs.
 — opal

Truly fantastic
 — larrylark

mikki, thanx as always, I made some the amendments you suggested.  
listen and lark, thanks for reading and your sincere comments.
opal, thank you, I'm flattered you added it to ur favorites  ;-)
 — redsky

Is there any particular purpose for saying "single engine" on line 15?
most if not all car engines are single- Twin engines are used in aeroplanes.
could you have  "and the pulse of an engine, waning" instead?
 — Tentative

thank you for sharing this.  a fav..
 — oracle

Tentative, thanx for reading. the use of 'single' engine isn't meant to be taken in the literal sense, nonetheless, it's something that I'm still working on, so I appreciate your observation. ;-)
oracle, thank you!
  
 — redsky

this is delicious, i love the cadence
 — Ananke

Ooooh...doesn't THIS paint a pretty after midnight picture in my mind!  I LOVE IT!!!  I would make "side walks" one word in L2 though and maybe make some better use of white space throughout???  Kinda break it up a little bit so it's like those white dashes on a highway???  Throw in a little "curve," perhaps???  Lay it out as if it were a road or an exit ramp???  Just some thoughts.  Excellent piece of writing!  Thankyou!  I felt as if I was ridin' shotgun WITHya.  Well done!  "10."
 — starr

a change in format would help the eyes, and the emphasis. i feel like with more breaks the meaning will be less... lost?
 — unknown

I do admit I have never felt so involved and justified in a group of words before.
Gorgeous.
 — LittleGreen

I wasn't too crazy about this poem, too much use of the letter "a". I'm pretty sure the repition wasn't intentional
 — Maximilian

Repetition, too
 — Maximilian

There were way too many A's. I agree. And there were a lot of E's as well. Please reduce the number of these two letters for a better score. 7/10
 — Henry

hey starr, you're a sweetheart, thanks for visiting and for your kind words. You know I've never been too keen with shaping out a poem but I do agree that some white space is needed. I'm thinking possibly breaking it up into tercets.
thanks unknown, ur right, the white space suggestion is duly noted. I appreciate your input.

Ananke & LittleGreen, thank you and your gracious comments.

Thanks Max for your input.

Henry, thanks for reading and commenting. Please know my revisions are not guided by the ratings system of this site but by the constructive criticism kindly offered by my fellow peers. If you could be more detailed with your suggestion and show exactly how i could eliminate all the A's and E's from my piece without compromising its semantics, grammar and coherency, I'll definitely take note and consider your alternatives when I do my revisions.
 — redsky

Oh, by the way Max, the long a and e sounds are called assonance and were used to aid the internal rhyme of the poem. Also, the repetition in lines 3-5 was intentional for rhythm purposes. thanks.
 — redsky

Impressive enough.
 — MEB

very realized.  top stuff.
 — mmoneypenny

sidewalks is one word, isn't it?  I'd put a a - at the end of line 2, not a comma, to show the listing of actions, then another at the end of line 5 instead of ..

I'd also put a space between line 7 and 8, to separate it slightly to show a new thought that begins with Nor.  

Line 9 - of exchanged or in exchanged.  Of sounds wrong somehow.  
I'd put another space between lines 11-12.  

shade my eyes shorter?  That can't be right!  Can you define it, like a shorter rest than I hope for?  It sounds like you're shortening your eyes the way you have it currently.

I'm wondering if this is from out of the US, as most of our exit ramps veer right.

Imc
 — Isabelle5

Hi,

I have read through most the comments, and believe you are probably covered in the area's of revision. I did not, however, want to pass by without telling you why I like this poem.

The title, particularly the bold and simple use of 'broken', it is vague and allowing and because of this, the highway for the path of a relationship metaphor really comes through.

Overall the poem would seem to have a somewhat sad feel to it, but, rightly or wrongly I see hope and possibility. This is thanks to the last line, which oddly enough converted this poem from a read once and move on, to one I shall re-visit on evenings when the inability to make a decision hangs too close.

Thks for posting
Rgds
Hobby
 — hobby

MEB & mmoneypenny, thanks for for your kind words

Isa, as per your suggestion (star had also mentioned it as well), i added spacing in between the lines you pointed out, and also amended the dashes. regarding line 14, do you have any ideas on how i can word it to make clearer? i appreciate any help. as for the ramp, i live in a city that does have ramps that exit to the left, however, when I wrote it that way, I wasn't thinking of it in the literal sense. thanks so much for all you help, you've made some great observations. ;-)

hobby, coming from such an exceptional poet like yourself, i'm deeply flattered on your comments, i'm glad you were able to take away something from this piece. thank you.    
 — redsky

Maybe you can change line 14 to something more like resting your eyes.  The lights don't shade your eyes, but I get the sense that you can close your eyes at red lights, right?  Is that what you meant?  
 — Isabelle5

you know how the highway lights are spaced out and as you drive under them at night, there's a moment of light and then it darkens once you've passed by, that's why I wrote intermittence, as you drive faster, that shade shortens . . .
 — redsky

Oh, I had no idea that's what you meant at all.  

'the intermittance of the lights as I pass under them, through brightness and then short shade, wishing it were longer."

I have no idea!  But that did not come through so you might need to rethink it.
 — Isabelle5

ok, thanks Isa.
 — redsky

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 — poetbill

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