poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Sometimes
Aziel

Sometimes I'm dreaming of you.
 1
 
 
I dream of us standing in front of that mirror
 2
in my grandfather's room
 3
admiring the way we look together,
 4
but never having to pull away,
 5
just to seem innocent and pure.
 6
 
 
I dream of us eating, sitting on my mother's kitchen floor,
 7
pretending that we were married,
 8
that my brother was our son,
 9
and that we could be, just be,
 10
without fear.
 11
 
 
I dream of playing chess with you on a
 12
December night,
 13
waiting for your ride home, and you let me
 14
win the game, (so I didn't get discouraged)
 15
but this time you didn't have to go home.
 16
 
 
But I always wake up, never to you.
 17

If I wake up at all tomorrow, I want it to be with you.

19 Aug 06

Rated 9.3 (9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10
Inactive (1): 7, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(50 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

"I dream of us eating on my mother's kitchen floor,"

I guess she really kept a clean house.

But for that incomprehensible line, good write!
 — Storytime

Nice sentiment. I've been there, I get it and I like it. As for "eating, sitting on my mother's kitchen floor" I get that too. If the current game or activity required more space than the table allowed, I was always on the floor (often with a friend and a plate of snacks).
 — nakedowl

This is very soft, simple, and touching. I like! In a way it reminds me of the book "flowers in the attic". but i don't think this poem is much about incest!!! so i guess the connection is probably wrong haha.. anyhow, i'm going to stop talking now
 — mr_e

i like this immensely; its very much where i am right now so it ached that much more, haha. a couple things, though. maybe consider changing the but in line 5 to an 'and?' and in your last line i think that if you took advantage of line breaks and maybe add a, 'and it's' in front of your never it might add a bit more punch. i feel like by delaying the ending like that might increase its impact. good stuff, man.  
 — wemsntdspair

ugh...
so good.
 — jenakajoffer

wemsntdspair-

Well, I avoided using certain words, because it becomes too wordy and doesn't flow right.  I'm all about aesthetics and expression mixed, never holding one over the other.  grammatical consistency is important too, but sometimes you need to be human. :3
 — Aziel

oh no, i totally get that, haha. i believe the same thing.
did you change the ending? add a footer? because on a second read i love it, haha. im terribly glad you didnt listen to me. i need to give this to my girlfriend to read. she's going to cry, haha. good stuff, gets better everytime i read it.
 — wemsntdspair

D'aww. :3

You need to write more, wemsntdspair.  I really enjoy your work.
 — Aziel

Oh, and yes, I added a footer, lol.
 — Aziel

0.326s