poetry critical

online poetry workshop



5-7-5 Pieces
gnormal

added another 2/05.  also posted separately.  dont care.

i stopped at the wrists
 1
when i shaved my hands today
 2
now i wear long sleeves
 3
 
 
Just do what you love
 4
and then you will benefit
 5
from built-in 'sistence.
 6
 
 
Photograph live shrimp
 7
and goldfish in fresh water
 8
oddly together.
 9
 
 
A paper sandwich
 10
a side of wooden matches
 11
is there on your plate.
 12
 
 
Offer compliments
 13
in exchange for some advice.
 14
Everybody wins.
 15
 
 
Make a sandwich board
 16
from a used vinyl banner.
 17
One hole for the head.
 18
 
 
You two can’t come out
 19
until you slide her panties
 20
out under the door.
 21
 
 
Cheap transistor radio.
 22
Rip out radio.
 23
Retro mp3 player.
 24
 
 
Electricity and cars
 25
book teaches women
 26
knowledge that impresses men
 27
 
 
Think about it.  You're a dog.
 28
Now what will you do
 29
to get God to play with you?
 30
 
 
speak into the mic
 31
a typeset card is dispensed
 32
your words are concrete
 33
 
 
Book of 100 haikus
 34
that briefly describe
 35
the ideas i didnt do.
 36

10 Oct 03

Rated 9 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (6): 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 10, 10

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(181 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

the last three lines are part of "egg on my face," and i haven't read the rest of your works but i'm assuming that somehow the rest tie together. i don't have the energy to dig into this right now, but i'm sure its going to generate some interesting discussion.
 — unknown

Good simple writing. (That's a good thing!)
 — Isabelle5

I should really let this sink in more before commenting, but I figure "whatever". Good in general, and I agree about that simple writing thing...
(Big But) BUT I think that there really is a special Japanese haiku technique that us Americans often blow up into little pieces of dust, and so I don't want to discourage-
Anyways, stanza 3 makes for a relatively strong haiku. Maybe I can give a rating when I get it but for now I'll say like 6 or 7, but I'm not sure....
-the zepps
 — zepplin42

This is really cool stuff. Well done.
 — unknown

I didn't realize it was haiku's at first (where is my mind?)

Without fully understanding it, I am pretty convinced that this poem is an excellent puzzle.
There is a lot more going on here than meets the eye-- I don't mean to "call you out,"
if that isn't your thing, but I would love to hear what your ideas were in writing this.

I'm a fan.
 — root

conceptual or imagistic I can't decide which. But i like it.
I think 25-27 should be pulled out to stand alone. It's my favorite, you know.
 — clodclod

Ha... 16-18 is the gem.
 — OldShoe

16-18 is the one that is from a different poem on this site. "the egg on my face" you should read it. its a good poem. and some of them were 7-5-7, not 5-7-5.

but good work
 — AEOS

i just realized... "the egg on my face" is by the same author... wow how stupid i feel now. haha. still great poetry tho.
 — AEOS

I've read it, it still stands as the gem.
 — OldShoe

holy haiku whore.
 — beatbitch

You were all over with this.  Focus a little more...for the reader.
 — themolly

WHATEVER LOSER
 — unknown

what ?
 — unknown

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