poetry critical

online poetry workshop

5-7-5 Pieces

added another 2/05.  also posted separately.  dont care.

i stopped at the wrists
when i shaved my hands today
now i wear long sleeves
Just do what you love
and then you will benefit
from built-in 'sistence.
Photograph live shrimp
and goldfish in fresh water
oddly together.
A paper sandwich
a side of wooden matches
is there on your plate.
Offer compliments
in exchange for some advice.
Everybody wins.
Make a sandwich board
from a used vinyl banner.
One hole for the head.
You two can’t come out
until you slide her panties
out under the door.
Cheap transistor radio.
Rip out radio.
Retro mp3 player.
Electricity and cars
book teaches women
knowledge that impresses men
Think about it.  You're a dog.
Now what will you do
to get God to play with you?
speak into the mic
a typeset card is dispensed
your words are concrete
Book of 100 haikus
that briefly describe
the ideas i didnt do.

10 Oct 03

Rated 9 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 10
Inactive (6): 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(181 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)

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the last three lines are part of "egg on my face," and i haven't read the rest of your works but i'm assuming that somehow the rest tie together. i don't have the energy to dig into this right now, but i'm sure its going to generate some interesting discussion.
 — unknown

Good simple writing. (That's a good thing!)
 — Isabelle5

I should really let this sink in more before commenting, but I figure "whatever". Good in general, and I agree about that simple writing thing...
(Big But) BUT I think that there really is a special Japanese haiku technique that us Americans often blow up into little pieces of dust, and so I don't want to discourage-
Anyways, stanza 3 makes for a relatively strong haiku. Maybe I can give a rating when I get it but for now I'll say like 6 or 7, but I'm not sure....
-the zepps
 — zepplin42

This is really cool stuff. Well done.
 — unknown

I didn't realize it was haiku's at first (where is my mind?)

Without fully understanding it, I am pretty convinced that this poem is an excellent puzzle.
There is a lot more going on here than meets the eye-- I don't mean to "call you out,"
if that isn't your thing, but I would love to hear what your ideas were in writing this.

I'm a fan.
 — root

conceptual or imagistic I can't decide which. But i like it.
I think 25-27 should be pulled out to stand alone. It's my favorite, you know.
 — clodclod

Ha... 16-18 is the gem.
 — OldShoe

16-18 is the one that is from a different poem on this site. "the egg on my face" you should read it. its a good poem. and some of them were 7-5-7, not 5-7-5.

but good work

i just realized... "the egg on my face" is by the same author... wow how stupid i feel now. haha. still great poetry tho.

I've read it, it still stands as the gem.
 — OldShoe

holy haiku whore.
 — beatbitch

You were all over with this.  Focus a little more...for the reader.
 — themolly

 — unknown

what ?
 — unknown