poetry critical

online poetry workshop



i think i'm going crazy
caustic

It’s one of those days
 1
when time is measured by
 2
how many songs
 3
I didn’t hear,
 4
and the plants die but
 5
the glass shards multiply,
 6
and my brain looks like a
 7
Lego set:
 8
it could be something interesting but
 9
they got bored halfway through.
 10
 
 
Sideways glances are today’s
 11
method of communication,
 12
because no one wants
 13
to look at me
 14
full on.
 15
 
 
You open your eyes enough
 16
to realize I’m slipping through
 17
your fingers,
 18
and my head clears enough
 19
to ask you
 20
not to rescue me.
 21

28 Aug 06

Rated 8 (8.4) by 1 users.
Active (1): 8, 10
Inactive (18): 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(77 more poems by this author)

(18 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

Heartbreaking ending, describing a feeling many of us can identify with. Something nice about this. A good poem to read late at night when this kind of strange contact with someone, an insight into their mind, becomes all the more significant.

I like your observations of a day. I hope every day you have finds you as productive.

Best,

x
 — musicwords

It is so nice to no that others see the negatvie space around them as a piece of their day. It seems the unifinished words, unsaid words and half spilled  milk of life is so often ignored, and here you have made a memento of all those emotions.
What a great ending as well, sometimes we need to fall into those spaces, I cant say for you so much, but for me it is a way to appreciate the parts that I have finished.

Wondferfully done.
 — Misnomer

a favourite. 10. it's perfect.
 — chloee

I read this poem and three words come immediately to mind:  classy, elegant and adult.  I really enjoyed this.  It's one of those poems I like reading over and over, so, in to 'favourites' it goes.
 — CervusWright

thanks so much, everyone. i'm glad you enjoyed this
 — caustic

Excellent similie with the Lego, and the rest of the poem is superb as well.
 — jcameron

nice...
 — livedeeply

does anyone have any suggestions for changes? any way i can make this better?
 — caustic

Well, you're halfway to full punctuation. If you arranged it with commas, periods, semicolons, etc., it would complement the capitalization well; as is, it has kind of a half-finished look to it.

Other than that, I got nothing.
 — jcameron

Same as abouve punctuate.
Im pretty shit at it my self but i didnt go to school so its my own fault.
Very good poem though!
 — philoanon

i added some punctuation, but i'm not quite sure about it. what do you think?
 — caustic

The punctuation is a subtle but good touch to it; I'd say keep it.
 — jcameron

I really like the images and the assonance is superb!

Even the Russian judge (though grudgingly) gives it a 9.

            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;           With love,
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;          & nbsp;            The Harlequin
 — TheHarlequin

By the by, the assonance I enjoyed most was in lines 13 and 15, 16 and 17 (also I like the use of words with the same endings but different sounds in those two lines), and 20 and 21. I also like the repeating of the word "enough" in the final stanza.  Brilliant, I have talked the Russian into giving you a 10 and adding you to my A-list of favorites, feel honored.

            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;          & nbsp;     With love,
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;          & nbsp;               The Harlequin
 — TheHarlequin

I have no idea why thos wierd letters and numbers appear on my posts.
 — TheHarlequin

i do feel honored, actually. i really appreciate your feedback
 — caustic

I loved this!
 — unknown

Like this a lot except for the last verse, it's not like the rest and takes away the mood created. If that wasn't there I'd give this an 8.
 — bleach

fabulously written. wouldnt change a thing.
 — modern_nomad

Eep. I get it, and that's scary. Well done.
 — mikhyel

Ah, wonderful.  lines 11-15 are so dead on.  Love it.
 — colormehappy

love the final stanza
 — tragicbubble

thats good stuff
 — bloodstained

I love line 7 & 8!  Great!
 — valleygirl

wow
 — unknown

l5 and l6 unnecessary, l7 too abstract, you cant see your brain, and it should be feel as that is the only way you can connect yourself with your own brain. l15 too exsessive, youve made your point. cut it. possible suggestion for last stanza: replace 'enough' with 'just'.
 — unknown

|5 and |6 are actually necessary- they help to express the feeling of insanity (living things dying and inanimate objects growing, it's an inverse of nature).

|7: i know i can't see my own brain. it's figurative. expressing the feeling of chaos by likening my mind to something children were haphazardly putting together and then abandoned for something more entertaining.

there's also a point to |15. see, people want to look at me but more because i'm a sideshow-type curiosity than anything else. actually staring would be rude, or they can't meet my eyes, or they think crazy is contagious, etc.

and in the last stanza, i actually like the sound of 'enough'.

and no, i'm not just blowing off your critique. i appreciate the comment, and i tried putting all your suggestions into the poem, but i didn't like the way it turned out. so i'm gonna keep it as-is. but thanks.
 — caustic

L5-6:  I'm confused as to how these two images link.  They should not be disconnected - thats too confusing.
L15's "full on" is awkward wording.
Nice ending.
Overall a good write - fully enjoyed.  Some revisions needed here and there, but a solid work.  
Oh! But the title:  A good poem should have a good title.  'Nuff said.
 — WordsAndMe

any suggestions for the title would be welcome, i can't think of anything...
 — caustic

"lego set," genius, really. It's so unexpected yet so perfectly descriptive.
Wish I'd written this! Nice work.
 — Catbox

thx, cat :]
 — caustic

Heeeeeeeey, this is good!
 — unknown

I have nothing else to say except that I really really like this.
 — nilo

Join the bonkers club mate. I've been a fully payed up member since last ephiphany and it hasn't done me any harm.

Larry nutter Lark
 — larrylark

0.356s