poetry critical

online poetry workshop



soul withdrawals
unknown

what do souls taste of?
 1
 
 
if its anything like;
 2
  chicken
 3
   rain
 4
    autumn
 5
or  your smell
 6
 
 
then don't let me find yours
 7
don't
 8
 
 
all that will be left
 9
a burp
 10
 
 
and i'll smile
 11
in an apologetic sort of way
 12
and change the subject
 13

19 Sep 06

Rated 9 (8.7) by 3 users.
Active (3): 7, 8, 9, 10
Inactive (5): 7, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

pretty funny! Original too. The title nearly put me off, but I read it because I had time. Change the title, people will think the poem is going to be wishy-washy drivel. I'm glad i didn'tt miss it.
 — bleach

hmm…but what to? you left me all alone with only my own feeble intelligence to think of a title. damn…
 — unknown

i like this! and i like [insert your own goddamn title] as a title, it drew me in. although it is a little agressive for the poem. how about 'if your soul tastes of chicken'... or 'unintentional gluttony'
 — unknown

i reallllllly like this and i realllly hate the title. its too pretentious although i feel with you (i want to say that sometimes too) especially on this site where not many will click on "untitled" with all the other fun words on that list. but moving on to the poem. its faboloos. dont change a thing.
 — modern_nomad

this is wonderful. i don't have any suggestsions.
 — HandsomeHerb

thank you unknown, although 'if your soul tastes like chicken' would just be recapping the poem, and i don't want to ruin the surprise (or whatever). I wanted something fun as the title, so people won't think that this will be, to quote bleach, 'wishy-washy drivel.'

modern_nomad, you confuse me, i am concerned now that second person wasn't the right way to approach this poem, calling it 'pretentious' and yet you also say 'don't change a thing'. what a dilemma you have put me in! i think i'll leave it. as for the title, i don't like this one either, it is a little aggressive, but until i find one that suits, i'd like to leave this one here, so that you can all find your way back here if you so choose.

and also, thank you to HandsomeHerb, a positive comment (though some may say it is pointless) is always appreciated, keeps me motivated. :)
 — unknown

oooh, you cheeky sod! remind me never let you ever near me!

and how do you know that people even have such things as souls, eh?

-kl
 — unknown

cute >.<
 — unknown

how 'bout "a vampire apology".. just a thought.  *burp*
 — oracle

oracle-hmm...i usually connect a vampire with the sucking of blood, and they are fairly sinister charcters. this is too light hearted i think, for such a dark title. maybe i am too picky, maybe i'll end up with no title. i always seem to have this problem :( and hey! you ate my soul. what did it taste like?
 — unknown

mmm, tastes like chicken.  and a touch of rain-soaked leaves..
 — oracle

hmm, i'm stubborn too.  what about a title with digestion.  "digesting you".  or for that matter, "a title with digestion" sounds kind of quirky and oddly appropriate.

*apologetic smile*

ps i really do like this poem :)
 — oracle

why thank ye kind sir/madam, though i'm not sure your generous thoughts and title suggestions make up for my lack of soul…it feels funny without one, like when a movie is out of sync, theres something not quite right, and its hard to pinpoint.
 — unknown

how to regain your soul:

under the full moon
dance thee naked
granting me this boon:
a poem be compos'd
 — oracle

oh dear! the poem bit i think i can handle. i can pull them out of nowhere (like this one), but for the naked bit, i'm afraid you're going to have to turn around, for i am mortally shy. name a date and away i shall twirl. not quite a pretty sight, but pretty funny i'd say.

;) thank you oracle, you are truly wise.
 — unknown

delicious poem!
 — unknown

well my dear, the next full moon is october 7.  i promise both not to look and to look, at the dancing and the poem.  if you post as unkown again, you'll have to email me the link  so i can find you.  of course, if i happen to see any random naked dancing on the night of the 7th, i'll know you have found me and that your soul came at a price :-p
 — oracle

a price? what am i getting out of this deal apart from total and utter humiliation? (oh, and apart from you glorious presence). and i shall remain unknown, i don't want to have to face up to the consequences of writing this poem, t'would be a black mark indeed :)

see you there
 — unknown

genius
 — unknown

man your battle stations
 — unknown

I've always wondered what souls smell like but i guess i'll never know. Unusual poem and original premise
 — larrylark

Thanks lazza! ;) I've always thought that this poem reflects your quirk.
 — unknown

[insert your own goddamn comment]
 — unknown

oh so witty, little one. i like spunk!
 — unknown

Why does the poetic protagonist want to eat souls? I can't answer but the idea of it somehow makes perfect sense, especially if they do taste good - I like the way you use the tastes of rain and autumn which are tasty but unusually sensory. I like the satisfied burp and the changing of the subject at the end - very effective - a little gem poem.
 — opal

it took awhile for me to get back but i just wanted to let you know that my earlier comments about the pretentious part was only in regards to the title. the poem itself is A+... so no more dilemma ok? :)
 — modern_nomad

awww, opal liked it (well, at least, it seemed that way…). my life is complete.

modern_nomad: ahhhhhhhh! (realisation dawns). i am indeed an idiot, but the problem has not been solved as i STILL have a crap title :)
 — unknown

if only stealing a soul was this easy!
 — unknown

soul tastes like sam tastes like ham tastes like spam
 — unknown

ok.  you need a title.  now.  before the dancing starts.  and i have no more suggestions.  except maybe: 'a midnight feast'.  and that's it.  

nice to see this on the recent best.  makes things so much more convenient.
 — oracle

is this title a complete failure? i don't want to keep changing the title, or people will get confused, i know how easy that is to do ;)
 — unknown

i like the title it goes very well if the concept of the poem that we must look inside other than the outside to find true character
 — Sephiroth

hey i sure like this poem, good job!
 — dax

I think I know what you mean, Sephiroth, but I had really not taken that into consideration when writing this.

Thank you dax ;)

and no, i didn't post the link in that thread, though it helped to know that the brackets were annoying
 — unknown

Awwww, that was so cute! i wanna take it home.
 — unknown

i dont know
 — unknown

Why do you have a ; after like in line 2?  Line 8 just hangs out there and needs to connect to something.  It appears to be "then don't let me find yours don't."  Surely, that isn't what you mean?

Did you leave a word out between lines 9-10 - or two words "is a?"

It's definitely an original thought, the taste of a soul.  
 — Isabelle5

I think that you are being overly picky, my dear :) and rightly so.
Here is my line of reasoning: a semi-colon denotes a list of items, and though i have chosen to eliminate the commas, it does not change the role of a semi-colon. the new line, i thought, added a space. so instead of being 'don't let me find yours, don't' or 'don't let me find yours...don't', the space replaced this. i know that this is not proper punctuation, but it is how it is read that matters to me. do you not pause at the end of a line? i should put in a comma between l9 and l10, but i like the abruptness of the elision of those two words. It just struck me. I think I am abusing my poetic license...

Thank you Isabelle, I appreciate you reading this and helping, but I think I am stupid enough to leave it as is.
 — unknown

ahhh, i go away for full moon frivolities and come back to find a title.  a good one too, just as well you didn't take any of my suggestions.

i missed your dance though..
 — oracle

ahhh, my dear oracle, but there will always be another full moon. i will gather inspiration from the dancing 80's video clips. Truly horrific, but I'm sure that you are tough. i was thinking, does sweat bands count as naked? because it wouldn't be the same without them, but i must dance naked, what a conundrum. i'll leave it to your discretion...
<3
 — unknown

HAHA! too many mental pictures.. just add some leg warmers so you don't get too cold..

-o
 — unknown

i am a stalker indeed. i read this poem sveral times (the darn title kept changing, it was like deja vu), never knew it was yours.

-lemmie
 — unknown

this is awesome.
 — aholm

aww, crap. I didn't want you to know. It's embarrasing, and bad. but it is something i would do :) Can i eat yours? if i ask permission from it's keeper? why did you not comment? is it not worthy of your critique? dont answer that, i already know the answer.
love, me
(or love me, if you must)
 — unknown

why would i comment? i don't have anything to suggest. i love the idea that a soul could taste like rain or autumn, though.
 — unknown

why thank ye, kind sir. and leg warmers will probably get me shot, so fare the well, dear oracle, it's been nice dancing for you.
 — unknown

it ok
 — unknown

why thank you, ye of little wording. 'preciate it.
 — unknown

i can't believe no one has twisted your ears for the misspelt word in your title.

just goes to show how people are really reading on this site...
 — varun

wow.

very nice piece.
: )
 — fractalcore

this is great.
 — mandolyn

SPAM MACHINE! Pullin up the gems! You go girl!
 — Known

G 20 summit? LOL.
i hate sifting thru spam. luckily the blue helps tip off.
 — funes

gosh i keep seeing WCW. chicken rain . . . . the title is kinda lame ???? maybe wheelbarrows? i love wheelbarrows and barns and covered bridges and  . . . brie (???) squeal.
 — unknown

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