| The Unredeemed
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trochee
| This world was made by You for You. | 1 |
Where do we all belong? | 2 |
We have no right to choose our fate, | 3 |
No grasp of right or wrong. | 4 |
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It’s strange that we are fed by You | 5 |
An omnivorous piece of power | 6 |
and all You want is reverence, | 7 |
and that we bow and cower. | 8 |
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You sent your Men to prove the world | 9 |
Your word they would extol | 10 |
where are You, Your men, Your grace, | 11 |
when war exacts it's toll? | 12 |
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As life is now all dirt and dust | 13 |
surprising that it's lasted | 14 |
and when I'm gone my epitaph reads, | 15 |
'In talks with the Holy Bastard'. | 16 |
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24 Sep 06 |
Rated 8.5 (7.9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 5, 10, 10
Inactive (5): 5, 7, 7, 8, 8, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(68 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
God created man in his own image, and man's been returning the favour ever since.
A good poem but imo it's a little overwritten, i'm a fan of rhyme, not here though, would have prefered to see this written as free verse.
— unknown
"Life is now all dirt and dust
surprising that it's lasted
and when I'm gone my tomb will read,
'In talks with the Holy Bastard'.
— unknown
thx. a million "unknown".. the last stanza took me over an hour. thx again.
— trochee
You may hate this. I do apologise if you do, and I'll never do it again, but I just messed around a bit with it, for fun. I enjoyed your poem alot! :)
This world was made by You for You.
Where do we all belong?
We have no right to choose our fate,
No grasp of right or wrong.
It's strange that we are sired by You,
an omninvorous force of power
and all you want is reverence,
and that we bow and cower.
You sent your men to mark the world
Your word they would extol
where are You, your men, your grace,
when war exacts it's toll?
As Life is now all dirt and dust
surprising that it's lasted
and when I'm gone my tomb will read,
'In talks with the Holy Bastard'.
— unknown
hmm. Impressive.. may be i should have given it more time.. learnt my lesson. thx i appreciate this one the most.
— trochee
Rhyme makes it read a bit trite in the first stanza. L6's "omnivorous" is incorrect.
Perhaps reread and rewrite w/o the rhyme scheme
— WordsAndMe
om·niv·o·rous (ŏm-nĭv'ər-əs)
adj.
Eating both animal and vegetable foods.
Taking in everything available, as with the mind: an omnivorous reader.
— trochee
still reads incorrectly
— WordsAndMe
kudos to trochee.. the first poet here who could make BOLOGNA speechless , for a change.
— trochee
hey why the change in the title.
— unknown
harrumph...
why th' arhythmic start?
L4 just not doin' it f'r me...
i'd suggest-L4 "our choices would be wrong."
this promotes the rhymin' of th' rest of th' poem
and also fits nicely not only with
L3-"right", but also with yer bastard moteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeef
heehee
— chuckles
It's an interesting piece of work, and I do get it. It's just a little too arrogant for my liking. But I do like the thought behind it.
— unknown
thx chuckles... i've made the changes u sugessted... it does look better now.
— trochee
I like this... I think some people consider god to be omniscient and omnipotent so arethrown by omnivorous. Why is God omnivorous... I'm missing that... otherwise I think its a good statement... shows some thought.
— unknown
omnivorous is someone feeding on plants and animals(humans in my case ).
i appreciate you reading and commenting on my poem...but i am saddened by the fact that most of you have posted it under the veil of 'unknowns'. if you like it please be very overt about it.
— trochee
I din't get y did u need to call Omnivorous He is a power a spirit but not a human who could eat vegetables & animal He is no human
; -Destiny
— unknown
But definitely a nice poem writtten by you appreciation:perfect guy as a poet y dont u publish it
ratings:8/10
\"Destiny\"
— unknown
there is no god - the first line in your poem is the only truth here
the rest is subjective speculation at best :rolleyes:
— Mongrol
I refer to yhe 'you' being you yourself - the human individual - not a non-existant external entity
— Mongrol
Thx for your attention Mongrol.
— trochee
I relate to this so much right now. Though L16 is probably stronger than what I would say. Well written, it's good to know I am not the only one to feel like this. Thank you.
— angrychick
Hmm...I'm sure some will love this because of its simple rhyme. It was okay. I'll give you that. 5/10
— Henry
thnx angry chick..
i agree angrychick.. both our poems begin with similar ideas ...but your poems ends up on an inquisitive note and mine is more of a blasphemy.
and dear pal Henry. ..sometmes i feel poems that rhyme have always been under-rated. though its ok. i m not in the rat-race here.
— trochee
L1&3 end these lines with punctuation, i suggest a period or dash and a comma respectively.
L5&6 end with commas
L8 has too many syllables. i don't know what you could change it to, but you could try "this poves your faked hooded tower" or "this poroves the falsity of your tower". i think both are still too long then, but yeah.
L9 "to prove the world"? is there a word missing? should it be "to prove to the world"?
L10 end with period.
L11&12 the question mark should be on line 12, not 11.
L14 maybe say "it's surprising that it lasted"?
also, you only capitalised "you" and "your" in some places, shouldn't that be consistant?
and, i don't think i understand the last line. i think the wording is funny?
— inutile
why is there so much space before the last stanza?
— inutile
thnx lot inutile.
yea i didnt realize the "you"s and "your"s..thnx..
and theres a gap between befre the last stanza to show a time-gap / pause.
and yea i know .. i m concerned abt line 8 too..
— trochee
This is a nice rewriting of Charge of the Light Brigade, but this time for trolls -- and in middle earth, or at least under a bridge, they are chanting this doggy verse over and over. Praise to your eternal tongue. Praise to he that rubs it when he kisses your soul into inspiration!!
Interesting how you waver between prose and verse in this. Sort of like you were drunk, and I suppose that, being the consumate poet you are, that your intention was to show us how the drunken fool walks while he's spouting the content of this? Awesome -- and I like, too, how it has to really be rhymed "dust-lastud, bastud". Sublime.
— joey
Thnx for taking your time out to read this joey.
peace.
— trochee
ah, the Creator isn't just dust, is He?
i like the tone for this, a little sharp, but the flow doesn't jag like i thought it would; the beginning opened up a tad average, and even trite.
but this is still good. by the end, i'm all ears
and slightly stung, deaf, even. but it works. it does.
the only suggestion is rewriting the beginning, if you want to. it might match the better second half.
— listen
Thanks listen.
I ll definitely rework on this one. the revision phase for me is on the cards next season.
thanks for reading. glad to know it works.
— trochee
trochee you try too hard sometimes hahah.
but for that ill add you as myspace friend.
Haha, actually no.
You have to find me first . =p
— Jillian
Hey jilian. thnks for reading. i take that as a compliment.
And i gave up myspace long time back.
— trochee
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